Love! Or Maybe Fear ?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

According to the results of listening to the radio of the fantasy theater Danilina A. G. "12 steps to love."

The solution to the question of parting / not parting, getting divorced / not getting divorced, always comes down to solving the question "do we love our partner or are we trying to own him ?!" Because if we love, we must let go. A mother, if she loves her child, must one day let him go on a free and independent voyage, otherwise he will never grow up, will not become an adult, and he will not be able to pass on anything to his own children. The only form of behavior of a woman who has been cheated on by her husband, if she loves him, is to let go. The only way to keep your partner with you is to trust him, to give him freedom. Because if partners are not given freedom, then we do not love them, we do not want them to become adults and have their own being, life.

True love, oddly enough, is devoid of interest in each other. True love allows you to support your partner so that he remains a different person: neither like me, nor completely sharing my opinion, nor a part of me, but something completely different that we can comprehend in our own way throughout our life. Karl Barth, the Swiss philosopher and theologian, accurately noted: "God is completely different."

And all this seems well, very obvious, if not for the fear in us. For the recognition and veneration of the Other in the Other is always opposed by our fear.

"A coward cannot show love. This is the prerogative of the brave." (Mahatma Gandhi)

And indeed it is. The fact is that projecting, dissolving in another, returning home, into the womb are all simple ways to overcome fear. But the recognition that your partner is another person, and neither your function, nor a means or tool that helps you overcome your fear is the main task in our relationship.

"To love is to wish life for another. "(Blessed Augustine)

We always want to return to the primary object, home, in the womb, because our whole life is full of trauma, suffering, injustice.

The feeling of something vague that could take care of us, protect, support, in moments of illness, feelings of our loneliness, grief, misfortune, the feeling of being deprived of some hard-to-define good is called in psychoanalysis the desire for the primary object. Not one particular word in the language does not correspond exactly to this lost primary object. When we say that we need someone who can understand us, we mean something that will feel us, support us, show us the way, correspond to our desires, give us the required amount of pleasure, something that save us from personal, individual, and almost intolerable responsibility for life. Of course, psychoanalysis even considers the mother to be such a primary object or primary Thing. And even not so much a parent as a specific person, but rather the very feeling of this mother in us, who will save us and eliminate all kinds of displeasure. The baby cries - the mother gives the breast, satisfying his desires as if automatically, according to his will, according to his cry. In an even simpler way, all our needs were met within the uterus when we were embryos. We were part of a single whole that satisfied our every need, our every desire, and we ourselves did not have to exert any efforts for this.

Throughout our lives, we are traumatized by the same parents, kindergartens, schools, teachers. Can a person who loves us be for his beloved a cure for fear, insecurity, his support and support? Or is it the job of a loved one to say "but you would not go from here, you are free."?

For the practical side, it is important to understand that a person is always fundamentally dual, and we will never be able to completely get rid of fear, we always need the support of our loved ones, we can always be a cure for each other's fear. And we can always let each other go free. It is very important to pay attention to the word " Can", but not " must “The only thing we have to do is to feel that the beloved, partner, is not me. He has his own path, his own vocation, his own intentions.

"The privilege of life is to become who you really are." In other words, from birth to death, we must get as close as possible to who we are capable of becoming.

Not at the expense of the other, but independently approaching who they are capable of being. And support and care for each other is: who my beloved is capable of becoming, how can I help him in this, how to find his abilities in him. This is why you need to feel the beloved as completely Other.

The most important thing in the structure of relations is the possibility of dialogue. Everyone is independent and everyone has their own being, their own life experience. Dialogue is love, it is a turn to another person with all your being, with all your feelings. Because if a lively confidential dialogue is not established, if we continue to fear the intimacy of another, then this easily leads to madness. Well, for example, if after another quarrel, one of the partners decides to go to the mountains and meditate for the rest of his life, then in the end he will simply start talking with spirits, energies, he will start to go crazy. He will revive fragments of his own psyche.

In order not to start talking to himself, so that such a revival does not happen, a person needs another person, living people with whom one can conduct a dialogue. Dialogue between me and another is a source of growing up, personality development: I try to become more than me, because you make me rise above myself above my egocentrism in order to recognize in you another person, a free being. And at the same time, a specific I, a lonely man, really want affection, care, sex, absolute conditioning and dependence of my life on you, dear.

This is because in me there is someone who is able to rise and grow above himself, write poetry and paint pictures, comprehend and comprehend the world. And there is a small child who needs your care and attention. And the problem is that these two parts of one me are absolutely equal. There is nothing more significant or less significant - they are equal! On the one hand, I really want to forget and fall asleep, as Lermontov dreamed, to snuggle up to your chest, quietly cry and fall asleep like a child. On the other hand, I want independence, separation from you, and this is necessary in order to feel the significance in your eyes. And if I have fallen heavily into dependence on you, and I define my life through You, then you remind me of this, and I remind you of your independence. That for your life to be full and interesting, you need education, work experience. Otherwise, you will start to annoy me as a husband. And at the same time, I need you to look at me with admiring eyes, as a leader, a man, a handsome man. You just need to remember that I always have two sides. They, in some kind of their own rhythm, change places individually for each, but still remain two sides of the same coin.

What does it take to get rid of fear? - courage!

And first of all, it is needed in order to ask yourself the fundamental question of the relationship: "From what I want from my partner, what should I do for myself?"

For example, if I want another to continually admire me, take care of my self-esteem, then my expectations are clearly directed to the wrong address and my question clearly needs to be reformed into another: what will I do from today to start respecting myself in order to take care of your self-esteem?

If I expect other care, parental care, deliverance from fears and anxieties, then this means that I am not a very adult person, I am trying to remain a child and I don’t really want to think about the meaning of what I want myself.

As soon as one of the partners begins to think about these questions, he begins to wash his own socks and shirts, prepare food, engage in and take an interest in those things and things that he expected from the other - any, sometimes the most hopeless, relationships begin to recover.

If I start to take steps that increase my respect for myself, if I do not wait for another to take care of me, but start to take care of him, I do not expect that he will relieve me of my fears, but I try to look at him as someone else and understand why he is afraid and I help him get rid of these fears, the gap between the two begins to overgrow by itself.