2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Many people understand that relationships are work, moreover, teamwork. Some try to play with words and say that they pay for the work, and if the same expectations in a relationship, then this is manipulation, venality and dishonesty. But here, you see, it depends on who strives for what, where, how and for what purpose.
At work, you can feel like in hard labor, you can evade it in every possible way and wait for the end of the working day, or you can get tired, but do what you love and get pleasure and satisfaction from the results of your own activities.
Also in relationships:
- some endure and serve their "punishment", because … Because it is so with everyone. Because for others it happens even worse. Because it's customary, and it's scary to change. Because they can condemn.
- for others, it may be a strict distribution of functionality. Who to whom, what SHOULD and the expectation that the other person is obliged to count as well, because it cannot be otherwise. And a step to the left or to the right, in the context of the fact that the other has the right to a different opinion, is equated to “you don’t appreciate me”, “they offend me”, “all traitors” and so on.
- and there is also a "golden mean" - the acceptance of the fact that people are different, but the more points of contact between them, the easier it becomes to accept such a difference.
How difficult it is to come to such a middle! Why are there so many obstacles on the way to it?
- He does not put me in anything, devalues everything I do for him, all my efforts. And he himself does nothing for me!
- Why are you doing for him, he asks? Do you think he could do all this for himself?
- He rarely asks, I think he could, well, but I do it because I'm used to it, it has always been that way, and in general, why am I needed then if I don’t do it?
From the outside, it’s like it’s obvious why HE doesn’t appreciate HER. It is clear that this is due to her low self-esteem. Only now it is much more difficult to convey the idea that no one appreciates air, although it is necessary for life, and its need and importance is felt either under water, or during an asthmatic attack, for example, is much more difficult.
Or another situation, when there are strong beliefs that everyone should be around and under certain conditions, and nothing else, even if these others have different needs:
- I lack a loved one, warmth, trust and understanding, no one needs me …
- And how do you yourself determine that you begin to trust another, that he becomes closer to you?
- I didn't have that. Why the hell am I supposed to trust a stranger? Let him first show what I mean to him!
Really, what the hell? Although it could be assumed that by “declaring” your need for intimacy, in the form of a manifestation of attention and interest in another, you can get it and, at the same time, satisfy the other’s need, for example, in the desire to spend time with an interesting person for yourself. The needs seem to be different, but not at all contradicting each other.
Each person's path to a relationship that brings pleasure is special and unique, but the general one, nevertheless, is worth highlighting:
- awareness of their own needs and interests. Knowing who you are and why - so much helps to avoid the substitution of feelings;
- interest in the needs and interests of the other, in order to understand how acceptable the difference of each other is;
- the ability not to neglect one's own and to respect the needs and interests of another is so important for a successful tandem;
- love of life, because life is diverse and interesting. And not to live for another or demand that someone live for you. Because in such variants of relationships there is always a place for a very realistic game of the victim and the tyrant or the rescuer.
And despite the fact that we all, consciously or not, sometimes become participants in such games, all the same, we strive for sincerity and the present. So it's important to remember that games end where authentic intimacy begins.
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