RELATED HANDS

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Very often in life we feel that we cannot act and do not understand why? It's like having your hands tied. As if we are not able, we do not have the opportunity or we do not know what and how to do.

Does that feel familiar?

It's like helplessness. No exit. Dead end

I quite often had to analyze such situations, and it turned out that there are always options for action, sometimes not so complicated, often lying on the surface.

So why don't we see them, why does it seem to us that we can't change anything?

One client used this metaphor: "It's like your hands are tied." This begs the legitimate question, by whom are they connected, when, for what?

This is where the fun begins. It turns out that these are our own limitations, attitudes, rules, fears, etc.

In fact, we ourselves swaddle ourselves, do not give ourselves permission to act.

How does this happen?

There are many options. For some, a promise is a confusion; responsibility for someone (for spouses, wife, children, parents, friends, acquaintances); for someone setting, as possible and as impossible; for someone a sense of guilt; for someone, fear of their own aggression and other demons, any rational restrictions based on past experience.

It happens something like this, if in the simplest version: For example, you got lost in the forest, and you did not have water with you. You've been wandering all day and it seemed like you're ready to drink a whole bucket when you get home. You have experienced many unpleasant sensations. Upon returning home, mindful of all the unpleasant moments, they decided that you would never again suffer from thirst. Years go by, and you always carry a bottle of water with you, even when moving around the big city, where there are shops at every step. This is just a metaphor.

Decisions in the emotional sphere are made according to the same principle. I was offended when I didn’t look the best, and now I’m always "with a needle", regardless of whether there is time, strength, or opportunity. I was shut up when I expressed my opinion, and now I keep everything to myself.

Now imagine for a minute how many such decisions could have been made in a lifetime, and how much "unnecessary trash" we carry with us.

A parable written by Nassrat Pezeshkian very clearly illustrates my examples. It is called History is a parting word. Let me introduce you to this wonderful story

One Persian story tells of a traveler who, with great difficulty, wandered along a seemingly endless road. He was all hung with all sorts of objects. A heavy bag of sand hung behind him, a thick wineskin of water wrapped around his body, and in his hands he carried a stone. An old millstone dangled around his neck on an old, frayed rope. Rusty chains, for which he dragged heavy weights along the dusty road, twisted around his legs. On his head, balancing, he held a half-rotten pumpkin. With groans, he moved step by step forward, clinking chains, mourning his bitter fate and complaining of excruciating fatigue.

In the scorching heat of the afternoon, he met a peasant. "Oh, weary traveler, why did you load yourself with these fragments of rocks?" - he asked. “Indeed, it’s stupid,” the traveler replied, “but I haven’t noticed them until now.” Having said this, he threw the stones far away and immediately felt relief. Soon he met another peasant: "Tell me, tired traveler, why are you suffering with a rotten pumpkin on your head and dragging such heavy iron weights on a chain?" he asked. “I am very glad that you brought this to my attention. I didn’t know I was bothering myself with this.” Kicking off his chains, he threw the pumpkin into a roadside ditch so that it fell apart. And again I felt relief. But the further he went, the more he suffered. The peasant returning from the field looked at the traveler with surprise: “Oh, tired traveler, why are you carrying sand in a sack behind your back, when, look, there is so much sand in the distance. And why do you need such a large wineskin with water - you might think that you are planning to go through the entire Kavir desert. But a clear river flows next to you, which will continue to accompany you on the way! " - "Thank you, kind man, only now I noticed that I am carrying with me on the way." With these words, the traveler opened the wineskin, and the rotten water poured out onto the sand. Lost in thought, he stood and looked at the setting sun. The last rays of the sun sent him enlightenment: he suddenly saw a heavy millstone on his neck and realized that because of it he was walking hunched over. The traveler untied the millstone and threw it into the river as far as he could. Free from the burdens that burdened him, he continued on his way in the cool evening, hoping to find an inn.

How is it? Isn't it very clear?

All people are given equal opportunities, so why are some willing to act and others not? And why should we drag along with us all our lives the emotional garbage that has already become obsolete and has long fulfilled its tasks?

This is fear

We remember how insulting, painful, insulting, disgusting we felt at that very unfortunate moment when we allowed ourselves something and were immediately "Descended from heaven to earth." At first we were once "cut off the wings", then again and again, until we decided to sit quietly in our "cage" and not stick out. What are the dreams of distant countries, the main thing is that no one touches.

The metaphors for such states are different: a cage, a shell, broken wings, tied hands, and for the most part it's all about one thing - fear. Fear of being misunderstood, funny, rejected, etc.

Let's see how this happens in life.

The easiest way to see where our inner, rational limitations come from is the example of parent-child relationships. The soil is extremely fertile for the cultivation of various kinds of restrictions. Here the spectrum of possible options is rich and varied.

Since a child is completely dependent on his parents and is focused on their opinion absolutely, as “the ultimate truth,” the foundation of our fears is formed here. And then, all the buildings of our life experience are already successfully built on it.

But the foundation is the foundation, and it clearly presupposes a building of a certain weight, shape, structure. It is clear that you cannot build Notre Dame on the foundation of a panel house, right? So it turns out, some have a foundation for the Eiffel Tower, and some for a shed, and it happens that for a street toilet.

And here there is only one option, to stock up on materials and tools and strengthen the foundation. We have everything for this: our intellect, our emotions, life experience, access to information. But you can get the tools, or get them from a specialist.

I do not agree with those who say that internal problems can be resolved only in the office of a specialist. I believe in the resources and capabilities of the individual. Sages existed before the advent of psychology. I often saw how it was enough for a person to stumble upon the necessary information, and gradually, knot by knot, internal problems began to unwind. This, of course, is the lot of the strong, but it is possible.

In the office of a specialist it turns out a little faster, but only if the person is "ripe" for this. All the same, success depends on internal readiness. It is not for nothing that they say: “When the student is ready, the teacher will come”, in my opinion this is Lao Tzu, although I'm not 100% sure.

Literature, films, and, of course, communication can be a teacher. One of my clients noticed, and it is very true, that when you start to get involved in something, the circle of acquaintances changes, new contacts of interest arise. A circle of like-minded people appears with whom you can discuss the topic of interest. And in a dispute, as you remember, truth is born. If there is no inner readiness, then failure can befall in the psychologist's office.

So, practically to strengthen the foundation, you can try to perform the following mental operations:

• To begin with, to doubt the impossibility of doing anything and try to explain to yourself that there are no unsolvable situations, in one way or another, the solution is always found: "I really don't see a way out now, but that doesn't mean there isn't one."
• Then to gather information on how others solve similar issues, this is hardly the first time in history. Try to consider options for action, try to identify what can be feared: “If I start to act, it’s dangerous ……. How???".
• Next, try to imagine the most terrible pictures of the consequences of your actions, and test them for connection with reality. Is it really dangerous? Do other people who take similar actions really fail? Or am I the only one who perceives this possibility of collapse?
• If in the process you remember “where your legs grow from”, who intimidated or “hacked at the root” your impulses, then it’s generally wonderful. You can tell yourself internally that you are already strong enough and can take action and are ready to take into account the consequences.

The same scheme can be used to assess the qualities necessary for a particular action: “Is this quality poorly developed in me, or is there a feeling that it is absent at all? Why? Was it before? Have I ever used it? What was the experience like? Why did I decide to give up this quality in myself? Do I need it now? Am I ready to accept it as something good, necessary, important? Etc."

If you want to establish contact with yourself and discover new talents and opportunities, then everything will work out. Of course, not immediately, of course, it will not be easy. But you are worth it to live a full life, without inner limitations.