I Say Thank You. And What Is The Answer?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

This article is based on my observations over several years and small experimental interventions on how a person accepts gratitude. And now we are not talking about communicative etiquette. But rather about a deeper component of the communicative process - about meanings, attitudes and values

Several years ago, I began to notice how people in my close (and not so) environment react to when they are thanked for something. And to my surprise I discovered that to such a simple and kind "Thank you" or "I am grateful to you" the answer follows - "Not at all." Or even better: "Not worth gratitude", "Yes, it's not difficult for me", "Come on, this is nothing." Or even altogether: "Uh-huh." Seemingly on-duty answers, familiar and familiar to everyone. But, if you think about the meaning of such answers, then it turns out quite differently. Literally in the answer "Not at all" it reads - "I did nothing."

Is it true? Of course not! He did something for sure, even if “Thank you” is said for some small action. And at the same time, he definitely made an effort, spent time on performing this action, thought something about it, somehow related to it, and as a result received a certain product of his mental and / or physical activity. Which he "handed" to another person. And I received gratitude for this. So it turns out that for some reason a person devalues his activity and the product of his activity with such answers.

At the same time, in various answers, he either denies at all that he did it (as in the option "Not at all"), or greatly deprives the result of his work (as in the options "This is not worth gratitude", etc.). On the other hand, for example, the answer “You don’t need to thank”, maybe we devalue another person and literally read like “I don’t need YOUR gratitude”.

In both cases, it is very unlikely that the person will get real pleasure from what he has done. And it is absolutely certain that one can only guess how such an answer will be "read" to those who thanked - there is simply a huge scope for imagination.

But now the conversation is not about cause and effect, but about the usual pattern of behavior that manifests itself when a person responds to gratitude. And so familiar that he does not even think about the content, answering automatically. For me, such answers to "Thank you" are definitely markers, some symptomatology, if you like. And they help me build therapeutic hypotheses in my work with clients. And in this case, you definitely need to check how the client is doing with the attitude towards himself, with the value of himself, etc.

Simultaneously with this observation, a client came to my therapy with a request that everyone "drives" at work (the case is published with the client's permission). And this situation does not suit him at all. At the same time, I noticed that in the pattern of this client, it is just firmly fixed to answer "Not for anything" in response to gratitude. I don’t know about you, dear colleagues, but it’s much easier for me to work on a deeper level when some of the client’s symptoms are removed (well, for example, the same anxiety). And since I consider such a response to gratitude to be a symptom, I decided to remove this symptom for more effective work with the client.

In psychodrama (and this is the method in which I work), sometimes it is enough to change one of the shells of the role (for example, bodily), or in the pattern of behavior, to change the attitude or meaning. Therefore, as a remedy for relieving symptoms, I got the idea of an experiment, which I immediately proposed to the client.

We agreed with him that he would specifically, deliberately respond to “Thank you” in a different way. And right there, in the therapeutic space, we practiced how he could do it. And then he received the task: to do this for a month in everyday life all the time. And at the end of the month we will together evaluate the result - what it led to. I will not describe our future work with this client now.

But in the end, the feedback from him at the end of the month was that at work they began to "hang" less on other people's affairs and to listen more to his opinion. Naturally, all this is according to his inner feelings. And, naturally, this month, with the frequency of meetings once a week, was only the beginning of our work with him. But for him at the end of this month it became a little different. And it definitely suited him more than before. And work with this client went much faster and more efficiently.

I became extremely curious whether this was the result, including of therapy, or whether such an intervention allowed, by changing the behavioral pattern, to slightly change a person's attitude and, as a result, the quality of his interaction with others. Then I decided to test it empirically. I began to offer to conduct such an experiment simply to my acquaintances, colleagues, in whom I saw such symptoms and who, at that moment in time, were not undergoing therapy.

The results were very similar to the results of my client: it became easier and more pleasant for people to live and interact in various social groups: in the family, in work collectives, in friendly companies, etc. Albeit a little, but more pleasant and easier. And the responses from the people who took part in the experiment were about the same: they began to appreciate me more, they began to “burden” me less, they began to be interested in my opinion, and at work, and in general, together with gratitude, they began to drag sweets and chocolates.

Thus, by changing behavior, a person also changes attitudes, both internal and external. Yes, this is not therapy. Yes - this is not a deep work. But this is the little building block from which the construction of change can begin. But big changes always start with small ones.

Since then, in my work, I always offer clients, if I notice such a pattern, and if, of course, they agree, this experiment is to deliberately and deliberately change my behavior, my response to gratitude. Yes, yes, regardless of the client's request, I still offer it. So it becomes a little easier for a person, and our work with him progresses a little faster.

What is the best way to respond to gratitude? For myself, I have identified several answers that seem to me the most appropriate

1. So simple and familiar " Please". It seems to be neutral, but for me it is not so. Once I read somewhere that this word came from “perhaps” and “one hundred” - that is, come to the table. And it’s not quite correct to answer “Thank you” like that. But, look, even if you go through this interpretation. An invitation to the table means that I am ready to be with you at the same table, to break bread with you, to share food with you, to treat you with something and much more - but with you. And I specifically invite you for this. In my opinion, in this context, "Please" ceases to be neutral and is filled with deep meaning.

2. The second option is to express your attitude in some form.

For example, for me, if I undertake to do something for someone, it is definitely either in my joy, or I am pleased to help this particular person, or I am very interested in the process / result of my help. Therefore, I often answer "I was glad to do it for you." Or "I was glad to help you with this." Or "Glad you liked it." Or something else like that, depending on the context of the situation and my attitude to it. However, if it was difficult for me, I also do not hide it. And for me it is quite normal to answer that yes, it was difficult, not everything worked out, but I am very glad that everything worked out in the end and I accept your gratitude with pleasure. Because it really wasn't easy. And I am pleased that you thank me.

These are the ways I have identified for myself. And I recommend them to clients as an example. Naturally, everyone can find their own suitable way and their own words - the main thing is that they suit this particular person and bring him only positive emotions.

So try to remember - how do you respond to "thank you"? Perhaps, if you noticed in yourself what I am describing in this text, you will also want to participate in my experiment and try to change something, do it differently. Putting this little brick into the construction of the building " a life of pleasure ».

I hope that this material and my small observations and notes will be useful to you. And to everyone who will say "Thank you" for this article - I answer in advance that it was easy and interesting for me to write it for you. And I really wanted to share this with you. Big "Please".