HOW TO EXPERIENCE A SUDDEN RELEASE WITH THE LOWEST LOSS

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Part 1. Hosting

In this article, I want to talk about a rather specific, but, unfortunately, common in our time way of ending a relationship - a sudden breakup without explanation and even without indicating the very fact of the breakup.

It so happens that the romance is just beginning, both are in anticipation and excitement, perhaps there have already been meetings and even sex, or maybe all this is only in the plans for the near future (this happens if the romance begins via the Internet, and people are divided geographically). Both participants are very charged with emotions, strive for each other, are very happy that they have found each other and say that they are very lucky. Or one of the parties expresses special delight, it makes far-reaching plans and falls asleep on the other side with compliments. According to statistics, it is more often a man, although there is also a woman. And suddenly - he disappears. It just disappears from contact at once. No explanation, no apparent reason. Out of the blue. When nothing portends trouble. Have you encountered this in your life? If not, you are very lucky.

Because this phenomenon has become very common in our age of information technology, and this term has even long been called in the English-speaking environment. They call it "ghosting". But not at all from the word "guest", but from the word "ghost" - a ghost. Because one of the partners in a relationship dissolves without a trace, like a ghost. Ghosting happens not only at the beginning of a novel, it also happens in existing relationships, the more painful it is and the more terrible the emotional (and not only) losses of his victim. The main sign of ghosting is that both sides of the relationship seem to be symmetrically emotionally involved and in love, and then one completely suddenly disappears, stops responding to messages, calls, deletes from social networks, ignores in instant messengers.

The other side experiences a whole complex of feelings - she is alarmed, discouraged, confused. After all, there is nothing worse than the unknown. At first he tries to get an answer, then he starts to worry about whether something terrible has happened to his partner. Maybe he got hit by a car? Or, for example, he got into a fight and was taken to the police station for 15 days? Or went into a binge? Or in a hospital? Or, God forbid, in the morgue? This anxiety is greatly exacerbated when all you know about a partner is his social media and messenger accounts, and there is also silence. Then, gradually, it turns out that he has not disappeared anywhere - he is alive and well, he may even behave as if nothing had happened. With everyone but you. Just like that, out of the blue: yesterday you were still significant to the person, he made plans with you, assured you of his sympathy (at least) and tried to communicate with you. And today you are no longer in his life, you are simply excluded.

And then you already feel like a ghost. A ghost in myths and legends is most often deprived of its voice, it wants to communicate something, but no one hears it.

Research suggests that social rejection uses the same areas of the brain as when experiencing physical pain. So the expression “it hurts me to be rejected” is not really a metaphor. It is especially painful when you turned out to be for a person for whom you had the most tender feelings, not just an unsuitable partner for a relationship, but a person who does not deserve respect for your feelings or at least notification of what is happening. It was as if you were completely erased from life, canceled, as if you never existed. This is a very painful experience, consisting of many unpleasant feelings and sometimes lasting a very long time.

Among other things, in this way the notorious "unfinished gestalt" is formed, that is, an unfinished situation constantly striving for completion. The victim of ghosting feels "in a state of subjection", she is in despair and powerlessness from the impossibility of somehow influencing the situation. This can cause the appearance of obsessive thoughts and actions - for example, constantly scrolling through the head of dialogues that have not occurred with the "untimely deceased", that is, a guest, and / or compulsively checking his accounts in social networks and messengers. Thus, the psyche is trying to somehow regain control over the situation. Because the situation of uncertainty is the most traumatic for the brain, neuroscientists argue that the level of stress from uncertainty is even higher than from pain.

In general, both the situation itself and the process of experiencing and living it is very similar to what people face when someone close to them suddenly dies or another traumatic situation occurs. It is important to understand that even though nothing super-horrible in appearance has happened, no one has died, there are no obvious traces of violence, destruction, natural disaster, war, but the psyche of ghosting is experienced precisely as a psychological trauma, or, even worse, retraumatization, if something like that happened earlier (someone from significant relatives disappeared / disappeared from contact / unexpectedly or unfairly rejected). Trauma is especially hard because of its inevitability. We are faced with circumstances that must be resigned to. This is destiny, a destroying force over which we have control. Therefore, it is important to take what is happening with the utmost seriousness, without trying to dismiss and discount what is happening. And to myself and my rehabilitation especially.