HOW TO EXPERIENCE AN SUDDEN RELEASE WITH THE LOWEST LOSS. Part 3

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18

See the first and second part of the material in my profile and on the links in the comments.

PART 3. HOW TO HANDLE IT

The victim of a ghosting inevitably experiences a whole range of unpleasant feelings, the intensity of which depends on many factors, such as the general level of sensitivity and emotionality, the strength of attachment to the guest, and whether there have been such situations in the past from significant people (including early childhood psychological disorders of attachment, about which a person may not remember, but in a ghosting situation, retraumatization occurs). Such situations are especially difficult for people who would never have done this themselves - open, sincere, honest with themselves and others, with developed empathy.

It is important to understand that all the feelings and experiences that you experience are normal and justified. Shock, resentment, anger, disappointment, shame, guilt, anxiety, confusion, powerlessness, longing, despair, etc. These are all normal reactions to an abnormal situation. There is nothing wrong with trusting other people and expecting them to behave, at least, like adults and adequate people. Do not underestimate this incident and try to pretend that everything is fine, if in fact it is not. Let your feelings be.

Next, I will list a few points to rely on in the post-ghosting recovery process.

1. Remember that the more connected you are with the person, the longer the mourning process will take. Give yourself time, do not try to "quickly" forget the person or pretend that nothing special has happened. Do not try to forcefully distract yourself - it either won't work, or it will work, but this way you simply suppress the experience of grief from rejection - which then emerges in the form of outbursts of rage, or depression for no apparent reason, or psychosomatic illnesses.

2. Try not to blame or judge yourself. Ghosting victims often turn the anger intended for the abuser back onto themselves (due to the inability to express it directly) and experience irrational guilt and shame for being treated this way. Don't be ashamed of yourself that you supposedly could and should have foreseen this behavior. They could not: what after the fact may seem to you as obvious omens of such behavior, in a different development of events it could turn out to be just cute oddities or character traits. And you shouldn't: you can be responsible for your own behavior, but you cannot be responsible for the behavior of another.

   The only thing that could alert you is if a person from the very beginning of acquaintance is too passionate about (much more and faster than you) and clearly idealizes you, completely closing your eyes to shortcomings and brushing off if you pay attention to it. Such people are also inclined to quickly cool down and become disappointed if they suddenly realize that they are dealing with a living person, and not with an image drawn by him. Any uncritical mismatch between your idealized image in his head and reality can become a trigger for complete rejection and devaluation. But this is also a bell, but not an unambiguous sign. Because the idealization of each other at the beginning of the novel is common to everyone, otherwise there would be no novel.

3. Remember the stages of grief-loss living. Shock, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The three middle phases can be swapped and repeated many times in a circle. Read about these phases in detail and take them seriously. Notice what phase you are in now. It can be difficult without the skills to listen to yourself and trust yourself, so such a situation (like the situation of living any grief) is an excellent reason to turn to a psychotherapist.

4. It is very important to take care of yourself during this period using all available methods. The state of a person with whom a significant relationship was cut off abruptly and without explanation is similar to the state of an infant who was in a happy merger with a nursing mother, and then the mother abruptly disappeared, and it became cold, uncomfortable, hungry and very scary. Therefore, treat your inner child with love and care. Let him be naughty, pamper him. A minimum of violence against oneself. Do not force yourself to do the usual, albeit "right" things if you do not want to. Listen to the smallest body needs that arise. If you have no appetite, don't force yourself to eat. Instead, try to imagine what kind of food (even the strangest) you might want. Don't rush yourself. If you want to take a walk, take a walk. If you don't feel like it, don't leave the house, even if the weather is good and it seems like you need to walk. And so on for all the needs of the body. Allow yourself to be useless, apathetic, irrational, whiny, and moody in times of acute stress.
5. It is important that this period of complete regression does not last longer than 7-10 days, if after this the state does not reach at least the phase of active anger, when there is a lot of protest energy and a desire to live, then it is worth contacting a psychiatrist or psychotherapist who can, if necessary, refer to a psychiatrist for medication support. Because such a difficult event in life, like any loss, can provoke psychogenic depression.
6. Take care not only of your body, but also of your soul and feelings. Let the feelings be. You may want to write a lot about what you are experiencing - write. If you want to cry - cry, do not stop yourself. If there is an opportunity to talk with friends - speak (write) as much as you need. Do not be afraid to be intrusive - explain to your friends that this is such a period and you really need their support in order to recover as soon as possible. If you visit a psychotherapist - it may be necessary to take additional sessions during this period - treat everything that happens as a sudden illness and do not spare money, as you would not regret urgent medications. By the way, in this way you can save a lot of money, which, with an unlived trauma of this kind, would then be needed to treat psychosomatic illnesses and / or depression. If you don't have a psychotherapist, it's a good reason to finally turn to him. This will definitely facilitate and speed up the mourning and recovery process.
7. At some point, you will find a lot of anger and rage in you. Don't try to calm her down. Anger is a very socially disapproved feeling, so it can be difficult to accept its presence. But this is a very, very important stage. It signals the beginning of separation, separation from the person who hurt you. Anger is a good sign, it is about healthy aggressiveness and the desire to live without clinging to the past.
8. You may want to write a letter to this particular person. Don't hold yourself back. Don't try to “keep your dignity,” “be above that,” and that kind of nonsense. Now you are concerned about your survival because they never tried to take care of you and your feelings. If it is possible to make the hero of the occasion read the letter, write and send it to any of the communication channels. Do not be afraid to go too far - it will not be worse, the person ALREADY betrayed you. This letter will give you opportunities to express your rage and at least partially feel relief. And also, possibly, it will return some of the responsibility to the guest. Often people just put up with ghosting and are ashamed to impose and seem uncomfortable and hysterical. Therefore, guests disappear again and again - it's so convenient and with impunity! It is within your power to at least not support such behavior with your tacit agreement with this state of affairs.
9. Realize your ability to love. You are not to blame for what happened. On the contrary, your value is that you know how to love, be in a relationship, deal with fear of intimacy, take risks and open up to another person. The other could not appreciate it, he is not worthy of you, you are head and shoulders above him. It is not you who are "too" (gullible, open, believe in love, romantic), it is he who is "underdog" (immature, under-empathic, unresponsible). Are you okay. You are capable of forming healthy and safe attachments and maintaining relationships despite inevitable problems and fears. But the other turned out to be weaker in this sense.
10. Think that everything worked out in the best way, because a relationship with a person capable of such an act would hardly end in something good, and, perhaps, the losses on your part would be much greater and not only emotional. You are out of the way with such an immature and irresponsible person anyway.