The Experience Of Loss By Children. Psychosomatic Symptoms Of Getting Stuck

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Video: The Experience Of Loss By Children. Psychosomatic Symptoms Of Getting Stuck

Video: The Experience Of Loss By Children. Psychosomatic Symptoms Of Getting Stuck
Video: Psychosomatic Illness Part 1 2024, March
The Experience Of Loss By Children. Psychosomatic Symptoms Of Getting Stuck
The Experience Of Loss By Children. Psychosomatic Symptoms Of Getting Stuck
Anonim

This note went through a little more stages of correction and editing than others, because in such a quivering business, you often want to try to state everything in the most detailed, accessible and practical way. And at the same time, it is important to understand that each specific case may differ from any described, and something will need to be removed from the general list, and something will need to be added.

When discussing children's feelings of loss, it should be noted that no matter how we try to brighten up the feelings and interpret what is happening, the first experience of mourning will leave an imprint in the memory for the rest of their lives. And the more naturally we allow these processes to proceed, the higher the likelihood that in adulthood a person, faced with loss, will follow the path of experiencing natural grief, not pathological.

Speaking about "natural grieving" for children, I first of all focus on the truth. Since any information that we convey to them distorted or concealed is reflected in psychosomatic diseases and disorders. This is due to the fact that children are more sensitive than adults to the perception of non-verbal information (facial expressions, gestures, behavior, etc.). The discrepancy between what they see and what they hear leads to a misinterpretation of their own feelings and experiences, and as a result - the inability to express them in a natural way. This leads the subconscious to self-expression through the "default settings" - natural physiological connections.

However, when discovering the truth, one should always assess the degree of readiness to understand and adequately interpret our words. Therefore, as in other difficult questions (eg, as in questions about “where do children come from”), we say “so” and “as much” as a child can learn at a particular age.

At the same time, the first question is always - who should inform the child about the death of a loved one? And usually the answer is another significant loved one, and if there is none, the guardian is an educator / teacher or a psychologist. But there is an important nuance - if such a “significant loved one” is in a state of shock, denial, etc., it is better when this news is communicated to the child by any other close adult who is in a more balanced psychological state.

Returning to the question about the child's perception of death, one can conditionally highlight such age periods:

children under 2 years old have no idea of death at all

At this age, they are most sensitive to changes in the mood of adults, and if there is an atmosphere of nervousness and despair in the house, the child will react to this with his behavior (tantrums, regression - returning to earlier forms of behavior, night awakenings) or psychosomatic disorders (more often allergic reactions, problems gastrointestinal tract and respiratory system).

between 2 and 6 years of age, children develop the idea that they do not die forever (death as departure, sleep, a temporary phenomenon).

At this age, fabulous metaphors are suitable for discussion, for example, about the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly, about a city of angels (as in the story of H. C. Andersen "Angel"), etc. As in any other age period, there can also be manifestations of regression, but more often, out of fear of losing the remaining significant loved one, children may, on the contrary, begin to behave "very well", which is also a symptom of experiences - the need to discuss that you are near, that you (or grandmother) will continue to take care of him (feed, drive to kindergarten, walk, read fairy tales, etc.). If, discussing the deceased, the child does not start a conversation for a long time, but switches to games, entertainment, this does not mean that he is not grieving (did not love the deceased). This suggests that he has received and understood exactly as much information as his brain is able to process and apply at a given moment in time.

in the early school years (5-7 years), children treat death as something external

They can be explained that death is when the body does not function (does not eat, does not talk, does not run, there is no pain, there are no thoughts, etc.). Children personify her either with a specific person (for example, a ghost), or identify with the deceased. Often they at this age consider their own death unlikely, this thought comes to them later, by about 8 years. And yet they are confident that they can cheat death, find cures for all diseases, never grow old, etc.

Actually highly developed "magical thinking" (belief in one's omnipotence, in the fact that all events in the world happen for him, around him and because of being connected with him) can also provoke feelings of guilt in relation to the deceased that I didn't behave well enough, hurt him and he left me). In this case, it is important to explain that there is no word or deed by which the child could influence the outcome, because death is not subject to us, we can only accept it and go through the path of grief (the acute period of which in children lasts much shorter than in adults).

Any questions must be answered as many times as the child asks. This helps him to assimilate and accept the necessary information, sort everything out on the shelves, and double-check for consistency and compatibility with any other information received.

Often, phobias, panic attacks and other psychosomatic disorders provoke seemingly harmless "auxiliary" metaphors about the deceased, eg: he went to a better world; God takes the best; fell asleep forever; went on a business trip; it is in our heart (head); left us or gone forever; rested, etc. Therefore, it is better to use turns that bring the child closer to reality and do not create dual images in his imagination, because children tend to take these expressions literally. If a loved one died of an illness, it must be explained that not all diseases are fatal, etc.

From this age, the child can be included in near-funeral rituals, attracted to help around the house on the day of the commemoration, etc. For farewell, you can offer to write a letter to the deceased or draw a picture. The question becomes an edge as to whether it makes sense to take the child to the cemetery. Various authors write that it depends on the degree of kinship and on the behavior / condition of the relatives themselves. As for me, having experience with trauma and borderline disorders, I believe that the later the child gets into the burial process itself, the higher the likelihood that he will be able to accept and experience it in a natural way, with minimal traumatic memories. Especially, you should not force the child to perform any rituals against his will (for example, kissing the deceased, throwing earth into the grave, etc.)

for children between 6 and 10 years of age, death becomes more real and definitive.

And if at the beginning of this age stage they think that reason, skill and dexterity will allow them to avoid it (since it can be personified), then by the age of 10 they understand that death is part of the general interests and principles that govern the world.

Speaking about death, one can discuss philosophical and religious concepts "about life after life" close to family values. With older children, we can also talk about the fact that in different cultures death is perceived differently. Later, remembering the deceased, it is important to note that sadness and melancholy are normal. If a child is crying, do not rush to comfort him, but give him the opportunity to express with tears what cannot be expressed in words, so that he does not have to express it through the body (psychosomatic disorders). To maintain fond memories, you can discuss funny experiences that happened to the child and the deceased, remember what useful the deceased taught, what the warmest and dearest memories remained, or just hold hands in silence.

You can also discuss the question of what the child regrets, what he did in relation to the deceased, and try to look at the situation objectively, it is possible to write a farewell letter in which the child can apologize if he considers it necessary, etc. But using the image of the deceased to control, intimidate and regulate behavior is not worth it (for example, dad sees that you are not studying well and is angry).

by adolescence, children already share the adult concept of death, and their own mortality becomes obvious to them, however, they are more inclined than adults to believe in the immortality of the soul.

At this age, they are more likely than anyone else to run away from home, to get into destructive companies with the risk of entering gambling, network, alcohol or drug addiction. And also, depending on the degree of closeness of the relationship with the deceased, at this age children may succumb to the idea of "reunification" with the deceased (suicide).

Regardless of age, adults have two main tasks to help a child walk the path of grief. 1 - to discuss, explain, etc., since the unknown generates fears and makes room for unnecessary unnecessary fantasies, incl. pseudo-hallucinations. 2 - return the child as soon as possible to the usual routine for him, which was before the death of a loved one: go to school, to circles; communicate with other children; eat your usual food; play familiar games; to visit the former places, etc. - everything, that he did before.

Children may cry, get angry, behave aggressively or regress, perform differently in school, etc., all of which are natural reactions to loss. During the first 6 months, they may say that they heard the voice of the deceased, or it seemed that he was coming - this is also normal. However, if the child is talking with the deceased and hears him, it is necessary to seek advice from a specialist. The same applies to cases when the child avoids talking about the deceased - prohibits or refuses to talk about him, touch / move his things or photographs, avoids the places where he has been with the deceased and deprives himself of various pleasures and joys.

Children's psychosomatic manifestations of "getting stuck" and complications of grief can be distinguished

- enuresis, stuttering, drowsiness or insomnia, nail biting / cuticle tearing, anorexia / bulimia and other eating disorders, nightmares.

- conversion blindness and deafness (when he sees or hears poorly, but the examination does not reveal pathology).

- psvedogallucinations ("kind" hallucinations that are not frightening, eg, imaginary friends).

- prolonged uncontrollable behavior, acute sensitivity to separation.

- complete absence of any manifestations of feelings (alexithymia).

- a delayed experience of grief (when everything seemed to be normal, and then there was a conflict at school or another psychotrauma and this actualized the experience of grief).

- depression (in adolescents, this is anger driven inward).

It is easier for children to endure the sadness and grief of family members than silence or lies, so it is important to include the child in the experiences of the whole family, where his emotions should in no case be ignored. This is the most basic rule, since the child also needs to burn off his loss.

During mourning, especially acute grief, the child needs to feel "that he is still loved and that he will not be rejected." At this time, he needs support and care from adults (parent or psychologist), their understanding, trust, as well as the availability of contact, so that at any time the child can talk about what worries him or just sit next to him and be silent.

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