2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One way or another, the feeling of resentment is familiar to all of us - in this life we all took offense and offended someone. But how can you deal with this simple emotion in practice?
A practical situation from the life of one of the clients (I quote as agreed with her, replacing some details). The young couple decided to relax together. Some time passed after the start of a joint vacation (3-4 days of active communication - living in one room, constant joint pastime, etc.), and the guy suddenly began to isolate himself. The girl, suspecting that the reason for this behavior is hidden in a joint event, made an attempt to communicate, but at some point was refused: "Sorry, but now I do not want to communicate with you!" As a result, she was offended and began to get angry, but after carefully analyzing the situation, the girl asked the question: “What did I do to make this situation arise?”.
In fact, the question is correct - in this way, during an offense, a person takes a share of responsibility in a relationship and on himself, experiencing at the same time a burning feeling of grief and annoyance for an unfair attitude towards himself and powerless anger. At least, such a line of behavior is an indicator of a stable level of psyche, a high degree of awareness and deep introspection and testifies to the psychological maturation of the personality (the opposite example is the perception of the situation by a small child: “My mother did not do what she had to do! Bad mother!”), that is, the person understands his desires and realizes that the partner may not want the same and has every right to do so. In addition, there is another point here - too deep a need to merge and communicate with this partner.
People who have undergone therapy can assess the situation from the outside and exclude falling into the trauma funnel ("That's it, I want to! Be always with me, talk to me!"), Stopping themselves in time.
The other side of this situation is that the girl could be excessive during the joint rest (relatively speaking, there was a lot of her in the man's world, and this is to some extent her "fault"). The concept of guilt here is very subtle and is directly related to the awareness of the reasons why the partner does not want to communicate. As a result, the girl experiences the situation not as a rejection that can be offended, but as a partner's need to be alone now. Thus, both partners are equally responsible for any conflict (not 50% each, but 100%! - both are always guilty). If everyone can take on their 100% responsibility, resentments will not linger in the soul for a long time, anger will disappear, everyone will understand that others have a right to their desires, and as a result, they will be able to exchange desires with each other (“Okay, I can to do this for you. And you do this in return ").
So, at the moment of offense, you should definitely ask yourself: “How did I influence the situation to offend me? And in general, what was the contribution on my part so that the insult splashed out? By regaining some of your responsibility, it will become much easier for you.
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