AFTER DIVORCE: COMMUNICATION ABOUT CHILDREN

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

After divorce: communication about children. Divorce in the family -30% there is a big shock, and in about 70% - a real catastrophe of life. Of course, time heals. Years later, even in the vents of fire-breathing volcanoes, beautiful mountain lakes then appear, and craters from falling meteorites are overgrown with flowers. Divorced men and women adapt, learn to live on without each other, find new relationship partners and even create other marriages. Because they are adults. Because they are men and women. But their children, still boys and girls, find it more difficult many, many times. Hundreds and thousands of times. Because their adult mom and dad are already used to living without their parents, but they are not yet. And it is also very difficult for them to comprehend the fact that their mom and dad are now not only not one whole, but often also fierce enemies to each other, ready to insult, curse and beat each other. And also - to rob each other in property matters, drag each other around the magistrates, federal and arbitration courts, police and prosecutor's offices, guardianship authorities, etc.

What do I want to say in this short article? Simple thing:

Divorce should not be a declaration of war on former spouses

Rather, it is, on the contrary, precisely the legal formalization of the end of that latent or explicit hot or cold war that led to this divorce. But, unfortunately, it is the militant model of behavior that I too often meet in my work. When, after the divorce, or even already in its process, a man and a woman say to each other: “Oh, how are you ?! Well, then, get it in full, Gad / ina !!! Now you will not see the children or I will forever ruin your reputation in their eyes! And I'll take everything away from you! And I'll break your whole life! And a lot of other things !!!"

After that, the battle begins, according to the scheme:

- A woman does not allow her ex-husband to communicate with children.

- The mother or father (based on who the child was left with after the divorce) does not allow the child to communicate with the grandparents on the other side.

- The husband threatens to sue the child from the obstinate ex-wife.

- Long-term courts are underway for the right to communicate with children. Including with a certain number of interviews in the guardianship authorities, consultations with psychologists, appeals to bailiffs. And all this undermines the stability of the child's psyche and extinguishes the smile in their eyes.

- Numerous complaints are filed with the police about threats of physical violence, beatings and damage to property.

- Mother and father compete in who can best bribe the child with expensive gifts. Grandparents from both sides are actively involved in this race.

- The mother / father is trying hard to tell their children what a bad person their father / mother is.

What do we get as a result? We get terrible blows on the child's psyche. Many of which can ruin the life of a child when he becomes an adult. I will give you as an example only fresh personal stories of 2019 from my work experience:

- A 6-year-old girl with a pencil stroke pierced the hand of a boy from her own kindergarten group because he confessed his childhood love to her and forcibly wanted to take her hand (the teacher put them in a pair when the children went for a walk). Reason: After the divorce, the girl's mother regularly told her daughter that all men are scoundrels and scoundrels; they just want to mock girls. Hence the result …

- Another girl, 6 years old, brought herself to anorexia, dying of longing for her father, whom her ex-wife allowed to see the child no more than once a month, and her daughter loved her dad very much. Reason: even during the marriage, the alcoholic father fell asleep drunk when his wife was at work, which is why the two-year-old daughter poured boiling water from a kettle and scalded her arm, chest and shoulder. The man had been encoded for two years and had not drunk alcohol, but the woman continued to take revenge on him.

- An 11-year-old boy was seriously injured after being run over by a car when he ran away from his mother (walking home from school). He ran across the road in the wrong place, trying to reach his own father, to whom his mother would not let him after the divorce.

- A group of girls 13-14 years old created in their class the community "DSM - daughters of free mothers" and openly mocked girls from full families. The reason: their divorced mothers knew each other, communicated and constantly spoke insulting and demeaning about both their fathers and other women who "endure the domestic slavery of male dogs."

- A 64-year-old woman committed suicide, leaving a suicide note stating that she can no longer watch her adult son (about 40 years old), after a divorce, have not been able to see her son for more than a year (the courts dragged on); the grandmother herself also did not have such an opportunity; a 14-year-old boy, protesting against his mother, has already committed a number of offenses, was registered with the police, and actually dropped out of school.

- A daughter, 16 years old, stole more than 200,000 rubles from her mother and gave them to her own father when she found out that his mother (furious at the news that he had remarried) had collected alimony from him for four years (since the divorce), although he regularly paid them in cash on a monthly basis (it just was not formalized in any way and was unprovable). Daughter's motive: restoring trampled justice.

- A 14-year-old daughter brutally beat a 9-year-old girl - the daughter of the woman with whom her dad lived after her divorce from her mother. Motive: the girl loved her dad, and her mother vehemently turned her against her father's mistress, to whom he left after the divorce. An innocent girl who ended up in the hospital was injured. The 14-year-old daughter herself became worse, as her father after the incident refused to communicate with her at all. (I had to work with him to get him to change his mind).

- A 16-year-old boy stabbed his mother's cohabitant for the fact that the mother (although 3 years have passed since the divorce) did not pay the ex-husband money for his share in the jointly acquired apartment, and he urgently needed funds for the treatment of cancer. Reason: the roommate morally supported the woman, urging her "not to give her ex-husband a dime!"

- A 17-year-old girl (lived with her mother after the divorce) contracted several sexually transmitted diseases at once, as she decided to become a "goddess of sex" after several messages from her father (confirmed by her mother) that he divorced because "my mother was a full log in bed." Motive: the girl wanted to become successful in this matter and thereby avoid divorce in her future family life.

And all this is a tragedy of children, simply because their mothers and fathers could not behave like an adult after a divorce! Tragedies are undeserved and therefore especially egregious! No matter how much I work with these stories, even I am a professor and practitioner of psychology, I cannot get used to them. But, unfortunately, the men and women involved in these post divorce conflicts do not see and do not realize the terrible and long-term consequences of their civil strife. They don't understand that:

Conflicts between parents after divorce

often harms their children even more than the divorce itself

Hence, in my work with divorced or already divorced spouses, I am guided by the main rule: "Do not harm your child!" And he developed the following set of simple rules, which I offer you, if for some reason you could not save your family from divorce. As I say in my work:

Couldn't save the family from divorce -

save at least children from its negative consequences

First of all - from the continuation of the conflict between their parents

So:

25 rules of communication between parents during and after a divorce:

Whatever hostile relationship there is between spouses, in order to reduce the psychological trauma of children, parents are obliged:

1. Develop a general concept and inform the child / children of a single, common version of divorce, without that detail that can compromise the spouses or expose them in a light that is not beautiful for children. Cheating, sexual or psychological incompatibility, alcoholism, rudeness, parasitism, general passivity, dependence on parents, etc. - these and many other reasons can later be eliminated by a person. What's more: former spouses can re-pair. But children may not forget this, it will affect their attitude towards mom and dad, their own future life and relationships with the opposite sex. Therefore, the version is more correct: “Mom and Dad love you children, but it is very difficult for us to live together, we have quarrels, so we decided to divorce. We will continue to find the opportunity to communicate together, but for now we should part ways. But your communication with mom and dad is still preserved”.

2. Eliminate any conflicting conversations (including on the topic of the division of property) with children. Moreover, threats, insults, rudeness, violence, forcible expulsion of each other from the apartment are excluded.

3. Eliminate conflicts when exporting personal belongings: do this by mutual consent and without the presence of children.

4. Eliminate the intimidation of each other with speculations on the topic "I will take / sue your child!" … It is important to remember that although according to the Family Code of the Russian Federation, the rights of the mother and father to the child are equal, there is a superior document recognized by Russia - the Declaration of the Rights of the Child (1989), according to which a young child cannot be separated from matter except in exceptional cases (!) … Therefore, according to the practice of the courts of Russia, children under ten years old live with their mother, except for those cases when the mothers are confirmed alcohol or drug addicts, are in places of detention (in custody), have psychiatric diseases, do not have a fixed place of residence and work., commit violence against children. Therefore, if the mother does not fall under these definitions, one should calmly treat the child's living with the mother. But after the child reaches 10 years of age, the child has the right (through the court) to determine his place of residence with one of the parents.

5. Exclude personal or correspondence (telephone, social networks, etc.) communication at the time of exposure to alcohol or drugs to prevent psychological breakdowns. (This rule also works when the spouses meet to communicate with the child).

6. Don't let your family, boyfriends / girlfriends, and new relationship partners make negative comments specifically addressed to the "former halves" with children.

7. Do not allow yourself and do not allow anyone from your inner circle to make negative generalizations in general about the opposite sex, like: "All men / women are deliberately bad people who would use and betray someone." This can not only worsen the child's relationship to dad / mom, but can also form a negative attitude towards his own sex in the child: if mom scolds dad in front of her son or dad scolds mom in front of daughter, etc. Parents often underestimate the danger of these consequences, then they wonder why their grown children either cannot arrange their personal life or acquire a homosexual orientation.

8. Don't turn your kids against your ex's new relationship partner The "family half", as well as against the children and relatives of this new partner. Do not interfere with their presence at the wedding of a former marriage partner with another person.

9. Do not turn your children against those children that appeared with the ex-husband / wife after a divorce (or from an extramarital affair that arose even before the divorce). Also, we ourselves are tolerant and friendly towards them.

10. Show responsibility and not rush to introduce your child to a new relationship partner (or cohabitants), until it becomes clear that this relationship is serious and has a perspective in the form of marriage.

11. If possible, establish a tolerant or supportive relationship with that new partner of your ex-husband. / ex-wife, to whom your child will be in constant contact.

12. If the child is under ten years old (and, if possible, even further), spend some time at least once or twice a month with the full composition of the broken up family - i.e. mom + dad + child / children. So that in the child's mind the fact of the presence of friendly relations between mom and dad is confirmed and the correct understanding of the concept of "complete family" is formed.

13. If the child is under ten years old (and, if possible, even further), at least once or twice a month spend some time with the full composition of the broken up family - i.e. mom + dad + child / children. So that in the child's mind the fact of the presence of friendly relations between mom and dad is confirmed and the correct understanding of the concept of "complete family" is formed.

14. Take into account (in accordance with the Family Code of the Russian Federation) the wishes of the child (over the age of 10), when determining the place of their residence after a divorce - with whom of the parents.

15. Do not hinder the child in his / her desire to communicate with that dad / mom, who no longer lives with the child, as well as with his / her relatives (grandparents, uncles / aunts, etc.). Do not try to be a censor and mediator in this communication. Including - not to prohibit the child to use the phone or the Internet for such communication with the absent parent. Including - not to prohibit the child to spend the night with the parent with whom the child does not live.

16. Demand legal and adequate alimony, not to use the child for selfish purposes, seeking to get the second partner to finance his comfortable or unworked life.

17. Good faith to fulfill your alimony obligations. Including - if possible, continue to co-finance a child who is not living with you, who is already 18 years old, but he / she does not yet have the opportunity to earn an independent income.

18. Do not try to give child support directly to a minor child, listing them all the same to an adult - his former family half or other relatives (grandmother / grandfather, etc.).

19. Do not interfere with additional financing of the child with money or gifts (in excess of alimony) by the absent parent. Unless it is clearly harmful to a child who has problems with behavior, academic performance, or mental or physical health.

20. Do not try to bribe the child with excessive expenses on his things, food and leisure, seeking to alienate him and alienate him from the other parent. As the practice of the work of psychologists shows, only the child himself becomes the worst of all.

21. Do not interfere with the rest and treatment of the child together with the parent with whom the child does not live together … Of course, if this parent does not have harmful addictions, has not degraded and is not dangerous for the child himself.

22. Do not shy away from co-financing the child's recreation or treatment (or the acquisition of something financially costly for him), if the proposal is deeply justified, and is not manipulation.

23. Eliminate or minimize risks for the child when communicating not only with the absent parent, but also with the one with whom the child lives.(For example: fast or risky driving, extreme activities, drinking alcohol, drugs, gambling, criminal activity, violence against a child, etc.).

24. Do not interfere with the child (over 14 years old) in the search for a long-time absent mother / father or other relatives.

25. Do not prevent the child from determining himself in questions religion, choice of profession or education, including - relying on communication with the parent with whom the child does not live.

These are far from all the nuances and rules of behavior of reasonable and loving parents in the process and after divorce. But even they will be enough to reduce the psychological trauma of divorce for children and ensure long-term normal communication between former spouses. This includes creating and maintaining conditions for a possible future reconciliation and reunification.

Finally, it is important to remember:

Marriages can be dissolved, children are forever

And no matter how unpleasant the divorce is, it will not negate the fact that the former spouses, in the future, will have to meet at the “last call” of their common children at school and university, their wedding, meet grandchildren from the hospital and help raise them. And for this to be positive and peaceful in the future, it is important to ensure this already today - in the present. This is my philosophy of working as a family psychologist. Hopefully, in the best interest of your children, you share it.