Divorce - Before And After - Part 1. The Familiar World Is Crumbling

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

- Hello … (a pleasant female voice on the phone), I read about you on the Internet. I divorce. Usually, after that I just open the diary and we make the first appointment.

And I am sad that another relationship has fallen apart and, at the same time, joyful - I know that I will witness an amazing path to a new stage in life.

People get divorced when a certain point or even several points of an unspoken (and sometimes open) agreement between them change. For example: He married a tender, fragile princess, was always ready to protect and protect her, but she learned, began to earn good money and he felt unnecessary in his previous role. The previous agreement: you will be afraid of life, and I will protect you - changes. Or there was a wonderful couple: She took care of him, supported, took care of him, and then a child was born (the first child is often a crisis in the couple's relationship). And suddenly she became not His mother, but the mother of the child….

Or they were always in everything together, and suddenly someone decided to become more "separate" (this is a topic for a separate article). The symbiotic agreement was broken. Or they often quarreled, yelled at each other and after that there was always violent sex. And gradually for one of them (or both of them), quarrels become too difficult and painful and the relationship begins to change … or fall apart.

The agreement on violence and love has changed. The contract can be different, as well as combinations of human relationships, but initially it is subconscious. We unconsciously choose for ourselves a partner who is ready to conclude a contract with us that is suitable (on a subconscious level, and according to the level of personal development and experience at that time).

Further, there are different options for the development of events:

A. They know how to talk about relationships, they grew and developed, gradually their agreement changes and this is done consciously.

B. Some of them decide to break off the relationship because they feel unhappy

C. They continue to live together, but they are more and more distant from each other D. They go to therapy and this helps them to realize and change the situation.

D. They go to therapy and still decide to leave, but they do it consciously and everyone takes responsibility for what is happening.

E. They live together, they feel bad, but they believe that it cannot be otherwise (A good deed will not be called a marriage).

In this case, I am considering only the option when the decision to break up has already been made by at least one of the parties. Usually, this decision is made even before the couple actually divorces. (Cases when a couple is on the verge of divorce, but is going through this crisis in the relationship is another story, such crises occur in almost all families). So you get divorced. And the world is crumbling. Seriously. A familiar, understandable, beloved or not, but a familiar world. Now everything will be different, and there is no turning back. It's scary, really. Sometimes it seems that you can die from this. And even those couples who break up, having come to a mutual understanding that they no longer want to live together, it is also difficult for them.

So how do you get over it?

1. First of all, find points of support and help. (Minors do not count, it is too early to rely on them, but love for them can be your resource of strength. Children should not be on anyone's side in divorce and in no case (unless, of course, you care about their spiritual health) should not become a "partner" of any of the parents. The child should know that the parents divorce not because of him, but because their relationship with each other did not work out. whole books have been written)). Relatives and friends, psychotherapy, psychological support groups, etc. can be points of support and help. Also, use all the resources you are familiar with - hobbies, studies, work, creativity, travel.

2. Do not expect everything to be quickly overshadowed and forgotten. Divorce will be a bleeding wound for a long time, even if you tried to quickly forget everything. And this is normal, because an unlabeled, unspoken, unfeeling divorce can cost your mental and physical (yes, body and soul are connected) health dearly. Pain is necessary because it is the pain of parting and change, often a painful blow to self-esteem. And this pain is accompanied by many feelings - hatred, resentment, anger, relief, jealousy, envy, emptiness, fear, anxiety … you can’t list everything.

3. Try to be alone and take a closer look at yourself - what happens to you when you are alone. Only the one who knows how to be alone will be able to be together (this is also for a separate article).

4. Remember - this will pass. One day it will end. Everything has its time. This is your opportunity for growth and change, for realizing what happened, what is your share of responsibility and what you want from the next stage in your life,

5. Do not be afraid to feel and suffer, be afraid to learn nothing from the painful experience of divorce. And not because you or a former partner are to blame for everything, but then because divorce is an opportunity for personal growth and big changes for the better, even if at the beginning it doesn't seem to you. It is important not to miss this opportunity and be able to see your own share of adult responsibility in what is happening.