The Wife Does Not Give The Child After The Divorce

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The wife does not give up the child after the divorce. As the title suggests, this article is aimed primarily at men. I hope it will be useful for distinguished women as well.

As you know, according to statistics, over a period of 15 years from the date of marriage, about 70% of married couples break up and divorce. Most of them have children, most often minors. And there is nothing surprising in the fact that many men and women who could not get along together, then also cannot build relationships around a common child in a correct and positive way. This is understandable: if they knew how, then their marriage would not have broken up.

Hence a new misfortune follows: parents who have already inflicted enormous psychological pain on their own child with their divorce, now continue to inflict moral suffering on him with their scandals on the topic of where and with whom the child will live and who, where and how much will see him. Often, the child is present directly in the epicenter of such skirmishes, accompanied by obscenities, violence, the intervention of third parties (someone's relatives, roommates, acquaintances, stepfathers and stepmothers). As a result, as a psychologist, I am regularly approached by parents whose children affected by all this quarrel are afraid of being alone in the apartment, afraid to fall asleep, suffer from urinary incontinence (enuresis), suffer from skin diseases, have eating disorders and problems with communication with peers and adults., run away from home, have learning difficulties. Trust me: these are far from trifles. Especially situations when children driven to despair by the stupidity or obstinacy of their parents try to somehow influence the situation with threats or even attempts at suicide.

According to my observations, taking property and financial issues outside the brackets, there are seven most common reasons for conflicts:

Typical causes of conflicts over a child after a divorce:

1. Out of resentment against his wife or “out of principle” (wanting to show their “coolness”), ex-husbands begin to scare their wives that they supposedly or actually have a plan to take the child for themselves, that is, to make the child live with his father (wives frankly afraid that the child will be kidnapped or sued). After that, the wife herself does not communicate with her ex-husband and does not give the child;

2. Wives begin to interfere with the child's communication with the ex-husband, as he does not properly provide financial assistance (does not pay alimony);

3. Wives begin to interfere with the child's communication with the ex-husband, since he has a much higher level of income and life and the woman is afraid that the father will "outbid" the child, overwhelm him with gifts, spoil his character, turn him away from his mother and create problems for him. learning and behavior;

4. Wives begin to interfere with the child's communication with the ex-husband from female resentment, because they do not like the fact that the child can communicate with the woman who was previously her husband's mistress and thereby destroyed the family (they are especially afraid that that woman will "love" the child, will rub into confidence, will become closer to him than his own mother);

5. Wives begin to hinder the child's communication with the ex-husband because of the conflict with his parents, who, in her opinion, played a negative role in the destruction of the family;

6. Wives begin to interfere with the child's communication with the ex-husband, as he behaves in an antisocial manner: he drinks heavily, uses drugs, constantly changes women, has gambling addiction, leads a criminal or extremely conflict lifestyle (when he meets, he insults or beats his ex-wife, aggressively and drives a car at a risk if there is a child in it, conflicts with neighbors, etc.);

7. Wives begin to interfere with the child's communication with the ex-husband, as he behaves carelessly and does not provide attention to the child properly: he may forget to feed or do it in the wrong way, leave him alone for a long time, fail to perform the necessary hygiene procedures, and fail to provide the necessary medical care. does not engage in the necessary speech, psychological or intellectual correction, etc.

Or, in practice, there is a mix of several reasons at once. This is the most common option. But let's be on the point. Personally, I am convinced:

Regardless of what caused it, the very fact that

that a mother cares for her own child and strives

keeping control over it is perfectly normal

and is definitely not the fault of any adequate woman.

Rather, on the contrary: if a woman-mother does not give a damn about her own child and she is ready to give it to a man after work, personally, it will cause at least surprise to me and such a woman will definitely not grow up in my eyes. From here I ask all men to read me:

A woman's desire for her own child to live

with her after a divorce is the norm and is not subject to condemnation.

Personally, in my practice, I always advocate that a child up to 10-12 years old after a divorce remains with his mother. Of course, in the event that the woman took place as a mother. In this case, I stand on the position of the law and the law enforcement practice that has developed in Russia. And I want to immediately tell those men that they scare their wives with the threat of taking the child away through the courts. Article 69 “Deprivation of parental rights” of the Family Code of the Russian Federation clearly states that “Parents (one of them) may be deprived of parental rights if they:

- avoid fulfilling the duties of a parent, including in the case of malicious evasion from the payment of alimony;

- cruel treatment of children, including encroachment on their sexual integrity;

- are sick with chronic alcoholism or drug addiction;

- have committed a deliberate crime against the life or health of their children, the other parent of the children, the spouse, including those who are not the parents of the children, or against the life and health of another family member.

Accordingly, if your ex-wife does not commit crimes, is not an alcoholic or a drug addict, does not torture or rape children, has some living space and a source of income with them, and most importantly, loves the child, takes care of him and the child himself loves his mother, firstly, you will never deprive her of her parental rights through court, and secondly, why do you need to do this, because it is not at all in the interests of your own child (children). Moreover, in the overwhelming majority of those thousands of trials that I know personally, children under 12 years old at the trial (with all their love for dad) spoke of their desire to live with their mom, and the court recorded this in its decision on determining the place residence of the child. And the story itself, when a dad is suing a completely adequate mother (ex-wife), leads his child to psychologists (to obtain an expert opinion) and court hearings, puts him in conditions of the hardest moral choice "who do you love more - mom or dad?" from my point of view is absurd. And many times it led to the opposite effect: when their own children were so offended by their father that they themselves refused to communicate with him and did not really communicate with him for many years. Which confirms the popular wisdom: "Sow the wind - reap the storm!"

Hence, when male fathers who are angry in the process of divorce and division of property and children come to me, the first thing I say to them is: “Dear men! You have to be a very naive person to think that after the divorce, your ex-spouse will communicate with you in the same way as it was in your marriage! You have become different, she also became different! Moreover, if you yourself left the family for another woman, or forced your wife to leave you because of your alcoholism, parasitism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, crime, rudeness and beatings. Therefore, the most important thing that you should do now is to coordinate three things with your ex-wife:

- sign an amicable agreement on the division of jointly acquired property in marriage that suits both partners;

- determine the amount of alimony and sign an agreement on the monthly payment of the amount established by you and the law;

- develop and sign an agreement on the procedure for the exercise of parental rights by a parent living separately from the child.

I have separate articles on the first two points, so I am skipping this topic now. As for the third point, it is important to know the content of Article 66 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation. It is called: "The exercise of parental rights by a parent living separately from the child." It clearly states: “A parent living separately from a child has the right to communicate with the child, participate in his upbringing and resolve issues of the child's education. The parent with whom the child lives must not interfere with the child's communication with other parents, unless such communication harms the child's physical or psychological health, his moral development. Parents have the right to conclude in writing

the form of an agreement on the procedure for the exercise of parental rights by a parent living separately from the child. A parent living separately from a child has the right to receive information about his child from educational organizations, medical organizations, social service organizations and similar organizations."

Hence, if your wife is not an alcoholic, not a drug addict, not mentally ill (etc.), then the most correct thing that you can do as a father is either to indicate directly in the application for divorce that the place of the child's basic residence after the divorce is an apartment mom (and subscribe), or write a separate document (in free form). In the practice of my work, with my mediation, the following agreement is usually signed (as I say - “a dozen of parental peace of mind”), which states the following:

Agreement on the procedure for the exercise of parental rights

parents … (name of the child) after divorce.

“We, full name (passport data) …, having made a decision to dissolve our marriage (concluded then, No. of the Marriage Certificate) voluntarily accept and undertake to fulfill the following joint decisions regarding the common child (children):

1. Our joint child (full name and number of the birth certificate) lives after divorce with his mother, citizen … full name.

2. Both parents undertake not to interfere with the child's communication with the other parent and his (her) relatives, unless such communication harms the child's physical or psychological health, his moral development.

3. Both parents guarantee that their communication with a common child will not harm the physical or psychological health of the child, his moral development, thereby completely excluding the use of drugs (sometimes we write - smoking), the use of large doses of alcohol, the development of gambling addiction in the child, and interest in criminal life, communication of the child with people setting a dangerous example.

4. The mother … (full name) does not interfere with the child's communication with the father … (full name) and his relatives, does not impose any additional requirements on the child's father in this regard.

5. Personal communication between the child and the father … (full name) is carried out at the request of the father or preliminary agreements at least twice a week (for example), and the father has the right to take the child with an overnight stay to his home or to his paternal grandmother once a week. (This is a conditional example).

6. The communication of the child with the father by phone or via the Internet is not regulated, as well as the communication of the child by phone or via the Internet with the mother, while being with the father, there is no obstacle in this. If desired, the father himself can pay for communication services for his child and purchase a mobile phone for him.

7. The mother and father do not interfere with the communication of their child with the stepmother or stepfather. At the same time, the mother and father undertake the obligation to show

legibility and selectivity in their communication with the opposite sex and personally acquaint the child with a potential stepfather or stepmother only after making sure of the seriousness of the relationship with these people and their high personality traits.

8. The amount of the monthly alimony paid by the father … (full name) is … (a certain amount if the former spouses decided everything on the basis of a compromise and do not want to receive a special court decision). Alimony is transferred monthly no later than a certain date from the card of the name of the ex-husband to the card of the full name of the ex-wife, the receipt is recorded by the signature of the spouse in a special record of the payment of alimony.

9. Parents also undertake to jointly and in half pay for the child's treatment, his summer vacation and sanatorium-resort rehabilitation, not create obstacles for the child to go on vacation or study abroad with any of the parents or their relatives, providing the necessary documents in a timely manner (notarial consent, etc.) etc.).

10. These agreements on the procedure for exercising parental rights by the parents … (name of the child) after a divorce are binding on both parties, even if conflicts arise between the former spouses on some other issues, and are subject to adjustment only upon mutual consent and in writing of these agreements. The parties also undertake to always answer phone calls and messages, timely and promptly discuss technical issues related to the organization of communication with a joint child.

The party that does not fulfill these agreements bears legal responsibility before the court and moral responsibility to its own child, the child will be informed about his (her) behavior after reaching the age of majority.

The document is drawn up in two copies of equal legal force.

Names of both parents, their signatures, date (possible signatures of witnesses).

As you can see, the signing of this document is a compromise and is equally beneficial for both parents and for the child himself. The child will not see scandals and fights of his parents. Any woman mother will breathe a sigh of relief when she sees that the child remains with her and the dad agrees with this. Any male father will be pleased to see that he has a document that reflects his rights and the opportunity to take personal part in the upbringing of his own child. Those who sign such a paper between themselves save serious money, since the need to work with lawyers and courts is noticeably reduced, and most importantly, this has a positive effect on their nerves, psyche and general health.

Now let's move on. If there are some men who are not convinced by everything I said above that it is right not to fight with his wife for the right to live with a child, but to leave a child under the age of 12 with an ex-wife, I will tell them the following. If your wife copes well with her

mothering functions, brings up, teaches, feeds and raises your child, then one definitely does it better than you! Because if you live with your child and do it all on your own, then you simply won't be able to do anything in this life !!! And if you shift the upbringing of your child to your parents or a hired nanny, then, excuse me, it will still not be as effective as your wife herself would do.

To those who are very offended by my ex-wife or jealous men, I also always say that living with your ex-wife with a child greatly reduces her chances of organizing her personal life, since not all men will be satisfied with this. And, on the contrary: your excessive activity about the child, especially living together with him, will seriously worsen your own prospects for organizing your personal life.

But, most importantly, I try to convey something more important to men who are very concerned about raising their children: I tell them something like this:

“Dear men! Let's be realistic, because your child's childhood is only 16-18 years old. Of which the first five or six years, your child will not remember at all, no matter how hard you try to take him to foreign resorts and fill him up with toys. As a result, there are only 10 years left! But then you have to communicate until the end of your days (and this is at least 30-40 years, God bless you) with an adult who will decide for himself which of the parents he (she) will communicate with and in what it will be occur format. And for this adult, from the age of 14, it will be of fundamental importance not at all why the parents' marriage broke up, but what exactly these mothers and fathers can be useful to him (her) in life: what they can teach; what example to set; what kind of education to give; where to get a job; what apartment or car to buy; what projects to finance; what useful connections can help to solve certain difficulties in life; how they can help in raising and providing for grandchildren, etc.

Now it is important for you to understand: from the moment of your divorce, the invisible competition of divorced parents begins for how their communication will be built not with the child who is from one to ten years old, but with the one who will be 14, 18, 25, 30, 40 etc. years old. The character, warmth and frequency of your communication and your satisfaction as a parent depend on what position you will take, what social authority you will gain, how much money, apartments and connections you will have after your child becomes an adult. As one of my clients rightly said: "Whoever buys an apartment for a child is a dad!" Therefore, if you want to take place in your fatherhood, say a hundred times "Thank you!" your ex-wife, that she takes on all the hard work of raising your child and thus creates the ideal technical conditions for you to be successful, rich and famous. And thus they could have the closest and most comfortable communication with your child, when your son or daughter will be interested in communicating with you and in your support even more than you yourself. And be so kind, do not waste your time, do not waste it on clarifying the relationship and scandals, on the courts about the child, on alcohol, drugs, parasitism and erotic

adventures, do not spend money on mistresses, spend it only on your child! And if you seriously invest in your child both financially and morally, then your ex-wife, no matter how offended she is with you, will definitely appreciate it and will only support your communication with the child in every possible way. And you will have peace and order on this matter! Is not it? Of course it is!

Therefore, do not fight for complete control over your child between the ages of one and sixteen, because in this case you will not shift the responsibility for any problems in raising a child to your wife! Create a reserve of your strength for the future, for your long life and for future grandchildren. And do not quarrel with your ex-wife, because you still have to stand together at the wedding of your children and together babysit your common grandchildren!"

This is a short version of what I am talking about in consultation with men who do not have a clear, reasonable plan for communicating with their ex-wife about living and raising a common child. But I hope that even in a short summary you heard me and agreed with me at least a little.

Trust me as a practical family psychologist with twenty-seven years of experience! During this time, before my eyes, thousands of those children have successfully grown and succeeded, whose parents, after the divorce, followed exactly the correct approaches that I described in the article. But I also saw a lot of grief for both parents and their children, when divorced mothers and fathers spent years mediocrely in scandals and courts over children, lost control of their children, lost credibility in their eyes, and their children, as a result, became alcoholics. drug addicts, gambling addicts, criminals and parasites, or committed suicide, or a hundred adults themselves refused to communicate with their parents. I strongly advise you: do not repeat this tragic path, either for yourself or for your children.

Understand finally:

To make children grow up happily

and successfully entered adulthood, their parents have to grow up on their own

and learn to behave with dignity in relation to each other and children.

In the end, the divorce that happened for many men and women who behave like selfish in marriage and therefore have lost it is the last opportunity to finally grow up and turn on their heads at full capacity. If growing up happens, then the scheme of communication about children after a divorce will be beautiful, adequate and mutually beneficial. If not, then the result will be sad for everyone. And growing up will not happen all the more. And grown-up children will disdainfully discard or, on the contrary, will squeeze all the juices out of such would-be parents, and in fact, children who have not matured, to the maximum.

However, I hope for the best and that everyone will understand me correctly. After all, this is in the interests not only of you, but also of your children and your grandchildren. After all, let's be honest with each other to the end:

If divorced parents fail to build properly

your communication with each other and the child, their chances of comfortable communication with future grandchildren

will be greatly reduced.

Because the future son-in-law or daughter-in-law, having learned from their family "halves" (that is, your children) how dirty you behaved during their childhood, will not be very happy that you now communicate with their own children. And there are a lot of such examples of a boomerang from the future in the practice of my work. Think about that too.

If you need help in negotiating with your ex-wife (or ex-husband) about communicating with a common child, or establishing rules for communication between all parties after a divorce, you can sign up to me for a personal (in Moscow) or online consultation. The conditions and methods of consulting are described on my website.

And also, in order to exclude conflicts and divorce in your family, I advise you to read my useful books "Stories of a Family Psychologist", "How to Assess the Strength of Your Marriage", "Seven Quakes", "Quarrels around Sex", you want to bring him back to your family”,“How to Strengthen Your Marriage”. How to purchase them is also described on my website.