Serious Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The phrase, or rather the concept, " Serious relationship", In relation to the relationship between a man and a woman, sounds around us hundreds and thousands of times every day. At the same time, many people who use this concept put completely different meanings into it. Regularly at the reception of a family psychologist, I am convinced of this in my work, when at consultations I see deep discrepancies in couples on this matter.

💡 Example 1: The girl says: “I thought that we serious relationship with a man and meant that we will create a family. " Her man immediately says: “I am also for serious relationship! But I don't mean wedding! For me, a serious relationship is that we do not cheat on each other with other sexual partners, we do not give reasons for jealousy, we communicate regularly, we are always ready to help each other! Isn't this a serious relationship?"

💡 Example 2. The girl says: “I thought that we serious relationship with this man and meant that for a start we will at least begin to live together, we will create a single budget … ". Her man replies: “For the sake of this girl, I have reduced my drinking, have practically stopped seeing friends, am I not flirting with anyone? I tell her that I love her, that someday we will get married. Is not it serious relationship?! What more does she want from me? To gnaw at me in everyday life and put your hand not only in my fly, but also in my pocket? Sorry, but I didn't sign up for such a serious relationship …"

💡 Example 3. “The girl says:“I knew that my man was married, but I thought that we had a serious relationship and he would soon get divorced. I understood a serious relationship as the fact that he would divorce and marry me … "Her partner replies:" For me, a serious relationship consists in the fact that she became to me like a second wife: I support her financially; I help in solving all her problems; we spend a lot of time together; We have regular intimate relationships and I no longer have other partners, I have not slept with my wife for six months! What else does she want? I promised her a quick divorce and did not make her any wedding proposals! What am I wrong ?!"

💡 Example 4. “The girl says:“I thought that as soon as we started living together, we would plan to have a baby, then get pregnant and get married, and my man does not want children and marriage.” Her man replies: “We live together, all my money is with her, my parents and friends know her. I don't want any children or marriage yet. But we still have a serious relationship !!! We live together, we have the same money, we don’t change, all the time together! What do these women want ?! Feeling with her, as in the proverb: “Give me a finger - it will bite off to the elbow! It is not right!"

💡 Example 5. The girl says: “We met for two years, now we live together for six months. We have a wedding in two months. I believe that we have a very serious relationship. But at the same time, I do not consider it necessary to limit myself in communicating with friends and spending my free time. Is there a problem that I sometimes go to a nightclub with my friends or spend the night with them? I think my partner is intimidated by a serious relationship with slavery! Is it possible because of such trifles to threaten me with the fact that there will be no wedding ?! " Her man says: “For me, a serious relationship is not only that we will create a family, but that we will live in unison, will always be together. And it seems to me that it is possible and necessary to spend free time only in a way that will not cause jealousy and resentment in the other half! Because, otherwise, it is disrespect for me! And the creation of a family and the birth of children when I am not respected, excuse me - this is no longer a serious relationship. I'm not getting married for show! Such "seriousness" for me is just "not a serious relationship."

💡 Example 6 … Girl: “I believe that a serious relationship is when a man and a woman live together! I am 28 years old and I want to have my own corner. But my friend at the age of thirty-two lives with his parents, although he has his own apartment, donated by them long ago. He rents it out, we sometimes spend the night with me when my mom leaves, we have sex in his car, he doesn't want to live together yet. I do not understand this!" Her friend says: “We have nowhere to rush! We are already doing well. As we are going to have a child - we will start living together. And to lead an intimate life, go to the cinema and restaurants, go on vacation together, you can even without living together in a common area. Our relationship is serious even without it!"

💡 Example 7. The girl complains: “Our relationship has been going on for five years, we already live together, and my man keeps silent about all the talks about the wedding. Is this a serious relationship ?! " The man replies: “I have already told her many times that I love her and she is the woman of my whole life! Well, what else does she want from me ?! I’ve already told her too much.”

I hear about similar discrepancies in the understanding of "serious relationship" every day. The key to the contradiction is usually five points:

- Some men do not understand that 90% of girls are convinced that serious relationship - these are relations that, firstly, are developing all the time, have dynamics; secondly, they develop in the direction of creating a family.

- Many men and women too "narrowly" understand by a serious relationship only that their partners have intimate relationships only with them and with no one else.

- Some men and women, demanding a lot from their "halves", insisting on the cardinal attitude of their behavior, themselves are in no hurry to do the same, allowing themselves to live according to other, more preferential, as it is now customary to say "light" rules.

- A huge number of men and women are naively convinced that in the head of their partner there is exactly the same idea of life and of love and family relationships as they do.

- Men and women are either shy and afraid to talk openly with their relationship partner about what kind of relationship they are creating and what they want to lead them to, or they are openly cunning, fearing to "scare away" their partner, deliberately delaying serious conversations, waiting for that the orchestra will become more attached and will not go anywhere.

There are other sources of contradiction in pairs, but in the case of a question about the essence Serious relationships, these are the most important, basic ones.

From here, as a practitioner of psychology, including family psychology, I will express my personal and professional opinion of a family psychologist:

Serious relationship between a man and a woman is a communication that has a combination of the following ten distinguishing features:

1. A man and a woman are not just sober and out loud declared to each other that they love each other, want to always be together and seriously consider their partner as a couple to create a family(husband / wife), for the birth of joint children, but they also name (at least approximately), specific dates when a marriage can be concluded, they plan pregnancy (albeit in years). 2. Man and woman either already live together, or seek to create conditions for this, or eliminate what legally or physically hinders this (if there is no money for rent or purchase of housing, they save up together, seek to increase the amount of income, exchange or sell parental housing, etc.). 3. A man and a woman have regular intimate relationships. And they not only exclude other sexual partners (even online, via the Internet or by correspondence), but also eliminate all the reasons for the jealousy of a relationship partner, including flirting with strangers and spending leisure time apart, show self-restraint on free contacts and communication with representatives of the opposite sex. 4. A man and a woman do not hide the presence of each other from their relatives and friends, introduce them into this circle, clearly denoting the status of your partner at a high level, such as "beloved / beloved -" my other half "-" my fiance / my bride ", etc. 5. A man and a woman create for each other a regime of complete transparency of their lives: provide reliable information about themselves; honestly inform about the schedule of their life, work and leisure; the level of income and expenses, social circle, are in touch all the time, etc. 6. Man and woman strive to create psychologically comfortable conditions for their relationship partner, take into account his / her opinion and wishes, show tolerance for well-deserved criticism; eliminate the conditions for the emergence of conflicts, restrain themselves in quarrels, show the initiative for reconciliation; try to improve their behavior and character, give up bad inclinations and addictions. 7. A man and a woman mutually strive to take care of each other., are ready for the sake of a partner for significant spending of their time and money (gifts, investments in treatment, career, business, etc.). 8. Man and woman create goals that are common to both of them, begin to strive to achieve them. 9. Man and woman strive to create a common budget, food, leisure, joint financial, career, educational, household (etc.) planning. 10. Even without a formalized marriage, a man and a woman are ready to acquire joint property, that is, legally registered on both partners or another partner; are ready to recognize their paternity-motherhood at birth or adoption of children.

As you can see, for the description Serious relationships and the list of requirements and criterion is also serious. That is, there is no need to think that words of love, statements that "we will get married and have children" and living together are clear signs of a serious relationship for me. How many couples have collapsed in the world at this, as it seemed to many men and women, "serious stage"? Hope you understand - millions! Therefore, I will emphasize once again: the seriousness of the relationship is estimated only by the totality of all these ten signs! All ten! Only the combination of all these ten signs is for me a sign of the existence of a serious relationship. If there are only three, five or seven or even nine of these signs in a couple, for me it will not be a serious relationship, but only a sign of a deliberate movement of partners towards a serious relationship, or a sign of deceiving one partner to another. When, in the presence of many signs, someone considers himself entitled to change, flirt, conceal income and expenses, not want to live together or children together, etc.

For me, as a family psychologist, serious relationship - this is not just a movement of a man and a woman to create a family, marriage and childbirth, but also a movement that creates for all this precisely solid, fundamental foundations. In the form I have listed above "dozens" of signs. Because, you must agree: to say “I love”, to start living together, to register a marriage, to give birth to a common child is not so difficult! It is much more difficult to honestly and clearly work out all the other points from the listed ten for years. In fact, from my point of view, there are so many divorces from here:

A huge number of modern men and women create families

and register the marriage without creating a serious relationship, jumping over their "head", jumping over an important stage of communication

It may seem like a paradox, but if you think it over properly, you will most likely agree with me. Hence, just as the cart cannot move in front of the horse, so such marriages, which arose in the conditions of the frivolity of the relations of their participants both to each other and to the very essence of the relationship between a man and a woman, are doomed to crises and destruction.

Therefore, I speak as a practitioner and family psychologist: A man and a woman reaches the stage Serious relationshipseven before marriage - 70% of the guarantee of their future family happiness. Another 30% to ensure that the spouses do not lose everything they have achieved over the years of marriage.

If a man and a woman created a marriage, bypassing the stage really Serious relationships, their strength is only 30%. If they are already in the process of marriage can collect all ten of the points I have listed, their chances of a long happy family history increase. If they do not recruit them, let alone begin to lose, they themselves (and most importantly, their children) will face tragic ordeals.

In general, you understand me: serious relationshipmen and women are a process of their joint work not just to create a family in the near foreseeable future, but to ensure that this family is comfortable and strong, has a huge margin of strength and longevity. And in conclusion, I will emphasize once again: this work should not be secret, quietly from each other, you can and should speak out loud about it three times, discuss and argue, rub in and adapt.

Serious relationships are hard to create without serious conversations

about what exactly is created in this pair

It is also important to remember the time constraints. And in general for our human life and for creating a family with a specific person. Know:

If having a loving relationship with a representative

of the opposite sex, you are not moving towards creating a family,

do not hesitate: you are definitely moving towards separation