2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Relationship fatigue, which most people consider to be almost the very first sign of a deteriorating relationship, based on my approach to love conflicts, in fact, indicates that the process of mutual cooling has already gone quite far … seemed strange to you, in fact, it is not at all the result of constant conflicts between lovers, but their root cause.
Relationship fatigue is a consequence of conflict
unfulfilled expectations, the result of inclusion
"Self-liquidator of love" - "critical program"
General characteristics of the situation:
The appearance of a moral and psychological state of "relationship fatigue" is possible both in love and family relationships (especially often in a civil marriage). The very fact of its appearance is a sure sign that there is a conflict of unjustified expectations in this pair.
The unrealized expectations of lovers are very different from the unjustified expectations of married couples. Since in this book we are analyzing just love relationships, one should immediately indicate those reasons for the appearance of "relationship fatigue" that are characteristic of lovers.
The most common causes of relationship fatigue are:
If we take the state of "relationship fatigue" as 100%, then, according to my estimates:
- in 30% a feeling of "relationship fatigue" indicates that it is precisely the expectation of creating a family that is unsatisfied;
- in 25% the moral climate of relations is ruined by the eternal betrayals of the other side;
- in 20% responsibility for the emergence of this "love pessimism" arises as a result of irritation from the financial insolvency of a loved one who cannot provide life diversity;
- another 20% falls on the irritation of one of the partners because lovers rarely, little and extremely irregular meet, and the meetings take place "on the run" and are very "cool" in nature;
- another 5% falls on the dissatisfaction of various other love expectations.
"Relationship fatigue" usually appears in those couples who have clearly "made friends", have passed the Peak of Relationships mediocrely and have not been able to create a full-fledged official family. If by this time a civil marriage has taken place, then, in the opinion of one of the partners, it has been going on for too long and it's time to either submit an application to the registry office, or terminate this "dead-end" relationship and look for someone else …
In any of these cases, the feeling of "tiredness of these relationships" clearly indicates that people have accumulated such serious claims to each other's behavior, which in the very near future may lead to the inclusion of a "self-liquidator of love" and a deep crisis in relations …
Relationship fatigue can be diagnosed by a number of signs.
Signs of a "relationship fatigue" state:
First. Your meetings no longer cause emotional uplift
You think that this relationship has reached its logical end, "faded", "boring", turned into a routine. You know your partner so well that you can predict his (her) behavior for a month in advance. You have a good idea of what you will begin to do at each meeting: on Monday you will go about your business, on Tuesday you will walk along the embankment, on Wednesday you will just call, on Thursday you will go to the cinema or theater, on Friday you will go to a disco, in night from Saturday to Sunday you will spend the night together, drink beer and have sex, from Monday - everything is new …
For these reasons, your meetings no longer cause a special uplift and mood, they are emotionally "poor", colorless. And without having time to start a family, you are already performing only "marital duties". Moreover, not only in sex, but absolutely in everything … There is no novelty in a relationship.
Second. You think you made a mistake in choosing a partner
Step by step, you gradually become convinced that you once made a serious mistake in choosing your partner. He (a) clearly does not suit you …
You are sincerely surprised at how much you dislike about him (her) and are amazed at how “how could I have failed to see all this before…”.
It is not surprising that recently you began to consider these relationships as unpromising in terms of development. You suddenly realize that the Peak of Relationship has already been passed. Since you are deeply convinced that it is impossible to change your partner, you yourself do not understand why you are still together …
Third. You started to think that you were “wasting your time”
You feel a clear internal irritation that you “wasted so much time”, and you do not hide it in a conversation with friends-girlfriends or a psychologist. You still pay tribute to your partner, admit that “you learned a lot from him (her),” but you are already beginning to frankly regret that it took so long to be together for this …
Sometimes you feel like you've been tricked or "used". You think to yourself: “I was hoping for one scenario, but it turned out completely different … So why did he not immediately say that such and such (here each couple has their own options) we will NEVER have it !? Then I would not have counted in vain, I would not have thrown away so many years of my life …”.
Fourth. It seems to you that you have "outgrown" this relationship
It often seems to you that you could “achieve in life” much more if it were not for the presence of this person next to him, who “stuck like a bath leaf”, “hangs on his feet with ballast,” “with all his might restrains my life initiative”, “himself I have not seen real life and does not give me,”and so on.
Women usually claim to have "outgrown" their men in development. Men believe that women are preventing them from "jerking up".
Fifth. You are frankly too lazy to fight for this relationship
You are actually too lazy to do this. When there are fights, you think to yourself something like this: “Why should I put up with and apologize? Itself (a) began (a), - let him (a) and finishes! After all, who needs it more: him (her) or me? That's right, to him (her)! So let him think with his own head … And for now, thank God, I have a choice in life … If I want to - from tomorrow I'll start dating someone … I just have to whistle!"
This is an essential feature. The fact is that when people want to continue a relationship and are ready to fight for it to the end, they say in a completely different way: “He (a) has recently become some other … I don’t recognize him (her). I suffer a lot from this and want to return him (her) to its former state. I am ready to change, go to a meeting, just to return everything as it was ….
Now you do not want to return "everything as it was". And this is the tragedy …
Sixth. You are extremely tired of these eternal quarrels and resentments
You are tired of the fact that almost every meeting of yours leads to minor conflicts, and once a month, you must quarrel in a big way and do not talk for a couple of days. You are tired of the fact that all efforts to prevent quarrels and conflicts go to waste, and you still quarrel over the same reasons and situations. Do you think doomedly: “Probably, all this is already inevitable … So is it still worth tormenting yourself (oh) and torturing this person? Maybe it’s better to stay friends and end the relationship in an amicable way?”.
Seventh. You feel very sorry for yourself and sometimes your partner …
When all of the above bothers you very much, you begin to feel sorry for yourself. You are sad that you are “so unlucky in life” and you “always come across some strange (married) men (or unpredictable women)” …
Sometimes you switch from your persona to your partner's persona. You feel sorry for him (her) … You start to think: “Well, obviously, I have bored him (her) for a long time … He (a) meets with me solely out of a sense of decency and obligation … We are like some hostages of each other … Suitcases without a handle: it's hard to drag and throw away… How sad, hard and offensive it all is!”.
This is the average "gentlemen's set of relationship fatigue." Surely, you recognized something of your own in this list … Now we move on.
Why "relationship fatigue" manifests itself this way:
Let's start by looking at the conventional wisdom. It looks something like this: “something strange” suddenly happens to yesterday's lovers, they seem to become “Others”, they start to constantly conflict, in the end they get tired of sorting out the relationship and disperse in different directions …
"Fatigue" is usually associated with the guilt of another person, who recently began to behave "not so", "before that pretended to be good (her) and only now showed (a) his true nature."
Based on the theoretical and practical experience that I have, I consider it necessary to disagree with this popular belief, which, in my opinion, is deeply mistaken.
Based on my analysis, the moral and psychological feeling of "fatigue from these relationships" is caused by an artificial method, it is created by the included "self-liquidator of love", the very "critical program" that creates the preconditions for the termination of those relationships that could not meet the mutual expectations of partners for the time they gave each other
"Fatigue" is initially virtual. This is an artificially induced, provoked bias between partners
Let me remind you: After the time for fulfilling expectations is over, someone from your couple will become "hopeless (oh)". The second partner will first reorient his life goals, decides that he (a) has outgrown the framework of these relationships, he (she) needs to radically change his life, get rid of the “ballast of personal attachments to the person who clearly does not suit me … ".
Since it is psychologically very difficult to "call a spade a spade", and few people dare to honestly confess to a loved one that he is frankly thrown away as unnecessary (since he cannot help make a career, become a millionaire, acquire a high social status, buy an apartment, create "your own business", provide fresh impressions of a cruise on the Mediterranean), a scapegoat, that is, "extreme", it is desirable to make him himself. Alas, all this is exactly so …
The decision that it is necessary to leave with head held high, blaming all the blame for unjustified expectations on a partner, can be taken by someone coldly and prudently, that is, quite consciously, and by someone unconsciously. In any case, former lovers are helped by a special behavioral program, which I call the "critical program."
Our consciousness takes care of our loved ones with all its might! It does not leave us in trouble and always comes to the rescue. It is it that provokes you into conflicts with your loved one! At the same time, it convinces you that it is he (a) who is to blame for this, but not you yourself … (Remember how it happens: you quarrel and sometimes you yourself do not understand why and for what all this is needed … Exactly). As part of the work of the "critical program" your consciousness artificially "overheats" your emotions, brings you "to the boiling point", does its best to alleviate moral suffering and pangs of conscience. Driving a wedge between loving people, she wants them by their actions and deeds to begin to cause each other only an extreme degree of irritation and almost disgust … This is understandable: this is the only way she can "interrupt" the memory of what you did for each other, how many wonderful moments were between you, how many times have you shown your tenderness and love in caring for someone who you always needed so badly … Only in this way will she relieve partners of that psychological dependence, which is the most important component of true Love.
The pattern of "relationship fatigue" is as follows:
"To stop loving and quit, you first need to blame and be disappointed."At the same time, the better you are, the more difficult it is for your partner to make you a "loser (si)" and "hopeless (oh)"
Feeling "relationship fatigue" is actually not the true reason for the breakup between people. This is only an external cover for the conflict of unrealized expectations. "Relationship fatigue" is of a purely auxiliary, service nature, – she is only a "tranquilizer of separation", a means of facilitating this tragic process.
"Fatigue from love relationships" like muscle spasms and cramps during abortion is artificially caused by the consciousness of your loved one. The very consciousness that is not ready to honestly and openly admit its guilt and initiative in ending those relations that turned out to be or seemed hopeless …
In fact, one person leaves the other not at all because he (a) is "tired (a)", but because he has already made (a) life reorientation, decided (a) that "we need to start looking for more promising relationships." … In order to put this into practice, he now needs to provide the necessary psychological and emotional state - just the very state of "fatigue" … That is why he (a) gladly gets involved in all kinds of conflicts, heats up old ones and provokes new ones.
From my point of view, the sequence of events looks like this: Not "fatigue", and then making a decision about the hopelessness of the relationship, but on the contrary - first making an internal decision about the hopelessness, and only then artificially provoking "fatigue", which should calm the conscience and arrange itself the separation process is as beneficial as possible for the outgoing person. For the one who has been internally reborn and has already become the "Other" …
As a result, "the cart is placed in front of the horse", the feeling of conscience of the leaving person is injected with anesthetic psychotropic drugs produced by his own brain, the tragedy of parting is interrupted by pleasant expectations from future new relationships …
Your partner, who has just descended from one Peak of Relationships, immediately finds a new partner and immediately returns to the mountain trail. This is quite logical: life is insultingly short, and there is so much to be done in it …
Conclusions:
“Relationship fatigue” is a direct consequence of the fact that the “love program” created by Mother Nature exclusively as a short-term “program of love” stubbornly refuses to “stretch” for those long years that in our time separate the moment of your acquaintance from the wedding ceremony. The lack of quick confirmation of love expectations includes the mechanism of "self-liquidation of the relationship" and the "critical program".
“Relationship fatigue” is the “occupational disease” of modern long-term love relationships
“Relationship fatigue” is nothing more than an artificial deterioration in your love relationship caused by the “critical program”, which was the result of a conflict of unjustified love expectations.
The task of "relationship fatigue" is to provoke many of those very quarrels and conflicts, which ultimately become for everyone a quite tangible "official" reason for the complete cessation of these love relationships. “Relationship fatigue” may well be called such “punishment even before the crime is committed”, which itself provokes and directly leads to the implementation of the given crime.
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