The Teenager Talks About Suicide. How To Be?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The shock is inevitable if you open the statistics on the number of suicides. Every 40 seconds, one in the world dies voluntarily. Most of them are teenagers or young people.

This cannot be taken for granted. This cannot be underestimated either.

I think every parent wants his child to be happy, provided with everything and enjoy his existence.

But, in our life there are different cases.

Child's statement: “What is the meaning in this life? Why is it needed at all? " Thoughts about the most terrible thing appear: "What if he's up to something?"

It is good if the thought arises: “What is happening to my child at all? Why did he suddenly begin to think that life is meaningless? Or even declares that he does not want to live.

These questions can help prevent what is irreversible. They will be the beginning. Over time, you will find ways to help your child. I hope this article will be useful in this.

In it we will analyze the concept of suicide and self-harm. We will understand how to recognize the first signs of suicidal intentions in a teenager, where and why suicidal thoughts come from. Find out what to do to prevent suicidal actions.

Start over.

What are suicidal intentions and where are the roots?

By definition, suicide is the deliberate taking of one's life on purpose.

The fundamental basis of this intention is auto-aggression. This is a form of aggression when its object is the person from whom it comes. A person with auto-aggression has a negative attitude towards himself.

There are two forms of manifestation of autoaggression: suicide itself (suicidal behavior) and self-harm (parasuicidal behavior).

They are different in purpose. The goal of suicide is death. What is the reason for such a frightening goal in a teenager?

A complex of psychological and social factors at its core.

In particular:

- feeling of helplessness;

- despair;

- inadequate self-esteem;

- negative attitude towards yourself;

- increased anxiety;

- feeling of loneliness;

- life difficulties and problems in relationships;

- misunderstanding in the family;

- lack of close trusting relationships;

- high demands and expectations for a teenager.

The goals of self-harm can also be different. My teenage clients talk about the following:

1. Self-harm as a way to deal with strong feelings

One of my clients for 15 years told how she sometimes felt bad. She simply is not able to withstand strong feelings in such moments. They, like an avalanche, cover it.

She can neither speak about them, nor express them in other ways.

She herself does not understand them. This is the reason. Then she chooses to hurt herself. This gives her the opportunity to feel physical pain, and drown out emotional pain.

2. Self-harm as a way to fill the inner void

Another client, 16 years old, talked about periods when she feels indifferent to everything. This is when everything is all the same. And when you are in this state, it begins to seem that you no longer feel anything. Self-harm in this case makes it possible to feel alive.

As a rule, self-harm does not lead to the death of oneself. But, there is always a risk of death due to negligence, or some other circumstance.

Let's take a look at what phrases or behavioral features can be alarm bells for us as parents and professionals. By the signals that the child can use to communicate: “I feel bad. I don't know how to deal with this. I am looking for a way out."

In the speech of a teenager, you may notice the following messages:

1. "Probably, if I got sick with something incurable, I would only be glad!"

In this case, the child does not speak of a direct desire to undead or to kill himself. But, such phrases indicate that such an idea may be present in his head and perhaps he was already thinking about how he would not be in this world.

And this should already be alarming. Such a phrase may indicate that the child is dissatisfied with something in his life. And he needs outside help to figure out what kind of changes he would like and what he lacks.

2. “What is the point of living at all? If things get too bad, I always know which way out. Stop everything!"

This phrase almost sounds like a hard decision. As an option at the most critical moment. In transactional analysis, this is called the escape hatch. The decision that the person made, in case everything goes really bad in his life. They are of 3 types: kill yourself, kill another, or go crazy.

Each of us has escape hatches and can manifest in different ways. The same escape hatch to kill yourself can manifest itself in bad habits: smoking, overeating, alcohol abuse. Or when we are addicted to extreme sports or activities, we underestimate the insecurity of some behavior. For example, we walk late at night in an unfavorable area.

Suicide is an extreme form of this escape hatch. And if such a message sounds in a speech, it is important to pay attention to the fact that it was actualized for a teenager. And it is important to understand what provoked it and find alternative solutions in case it gets really bad."

3. "If you could fall asleep and never wake up"

This phrase does not always indicate the intention to die. But, it can be evidence that something is aggravating the condition and life of the child. There are some things that he is worried about. It is important to understand this.

4. “I wonder, but if I died, at least someone would be upset? Or would everyone care?"

This phrase is more manipulative. And most likely, it is aimed at attracting attention. And it can also say that the child may not feel his worth during this period. Perhaps he, however, lacks love and warmth, acceptance, support.

But, you need to be careful here, because if you give this attention and love in response to such a message, there is a risk that it could take hold as a model of receiving warmth and acceptance.

It is important to let your child know that you heard him. And that you would give him what he needs. And he can ask for it directly.

But, sometimes the child may not say anything at all, but in his behavior, there may be the following features:

- practically does not take off wide bracelets from his hands, wears clothes with long sleeves;

- spends most of the time in his room;

- communicates little with peers and you;

- sensitive to criticism: begins to swear or take offense;

- is in a depressed mood most of the time;

- have problems with nutrition (most often refuses to eat);

- spends a lot of time on social networks or the Internet.

What to do and what not to do if you notice that the child has suicidal tendencies?

1. Never, under any circumstances, scold a child for this.

Threats of the type "I'll flog if I hear this again", "don't even dare to think about it, otherwise I'll hand over to an orphanage" will make the distance between you even greater. And the child is unlikely to want to share his problems or talk about what worries him. After all, he will already have the experience of devaluation and rejection.

2. Don't be dramatic or faint

I understand that it is difficult. And you shouldn't underestimate the situation. Too much is at stake - a child's life. But, and making a special drama out of this is also not an option. If you find it difficult to hear or see what is happening with the child, it is better to hug him, and then take a break.

Make an appointment with a psychologist to give vent to feelings and to find support in yourself, to become a support for the child when he needs your help. There is no way to make an appointment with a psychologist, take at least a demo consultation. Now there are many resources on the Internet where experts advise for free. For example, I work in this mode on my Facebook page.

3. Take your time with frank conversations.

You may feel that you have paid little attention to the child and you will want to fill in all the gaps. And you will immediately begin to initiate "soulful conversations" with him. Do not hurry. If, in fact, it was so that contact with the child was lost or interrupted, start small.

Begin gradually building the bridge of trust. Talk more about yourself, ask questions. Try to do this non-intrusively, considering the child's desire to talk now.

I had a case of working with a teenager who was very afraid to tell her parents that she was hurting herself (cuts her hands). But, if the child is in danger and it became known to the specialist, it is necessary to inform the parents about it. We agreed to organize a joint meeting with her and her parents, where she could, with my support, inform them about it. She asked that only mother be present. It was difficult for everyone in this session. But, the client said that after her there was a significant shift in their relationship with their mother. After consulting, they decided not to go home. And we went for a walk. During the walk, my mother shared her life stories with her. She told a little about her childhood and youth. She did not bring up the topic of the girl's actions. But, this allowed them to get closer and consolidate the established contact after consultation.

4. Do not frighten him by psychologists, and even more so by psychiatrists

For a teenager, his condition is already a heavy burden. He is ashamed to be weak, so he may not seek help. And if you present specialists to him as those to whom it is shameful to turn, because … "only abnormal people do this," "who is not all right with their heads" and further in the text, then the shame to seek help will be greatly doubled.

Better tell him that a psychologist or psychiatrist is not the one who will look at you as abnormal and will treat you.

And that these are the specialists who will help to understand the difficulties, look at the problem comprehensively and together with you will find those ways of help that are most suitable.

Seeking help is not a weakness, but on the contrary - the privilege of the strong!

Offer to look at the options together, to whom to contact and let the child make the choice for himself.

5. Do not talk to other people about your child, and even more so in his presence

Many parents, frightened, begin to discuss an urgent problem with every acquaintance, relative, colleague. There is a good need behind this - the search for support.

But, think for yourself what your child will experience in this case. He trusted you, perhaps not directly, but indirectly showed how difficult it is for him.

And you made his pain common property. If you are in unbearable pain, it is better to contact and work it out with a psychologist or psychotherapist.

And now, summing up, let's formulate, as postulates, as a crisis map: what to do and what to do when a teenager talks about suicide?

one). Keep calm and remember: your child is normal, it is simply difficult for him and he needs help.

2). Support yourself - at best, seek help from a specialist in order to find the best ways to solve the problem that has arisen.

3). Start rebuilding contact with your teenager. Look at him with different eyes. As an adult. Look for touch points where you can create intimacy.

4) Offer him to turn to a professional. Show by your own example that this is OK, that it is not a shame, but on the contrary makes us stronger. Together with him, choose a specialist who is right for him.

I wish you mutual understanding! Remember, it is always better to prevent a disaster than to correct its consequences or lament over it! Take care of each other!

Oksana Verkhovod is a psychologist, consultant, specialist in building close relationships with oneself and others.

Member of the European and Ukrainian Association for Transactional Analysis.