A Good Mother - Who Is She?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Any woman who has given birth to a child has always wondered at least once if she is a good mother? And if she asked such a question only once, then a lot of questions will arise about her psychological state and ability to realize reality. Usually this is one of the most painful and painful female questions - what kind of mother am I? what ruler to measure my success as a mother? What is considered a success indicator?

This question, in due time, did not pass me by. To such an extent I did not get around that I even did a real psychological study, a real scientific study on the "good mom", with statistical processing, a control group and a valid sample. And here I want to share with you his results, which have already been presented in the scientific community, and my reflections on the topic: what kind of animal is this “good mother”?

Every woman giving birth to a child dreams of being a good mother, everyone would like her child to have the best childhood experience, the experience of interacting with mom. Each of us intuitively feels that this is infinitely important for his entire future life. And I, secretly between us, will add that for our female, already adult, already in many ways established life - too. Psychoanalysts who study the issue of motherhood and childhood say that in her motherhood a woman has the opportunity to live her, perhaps not the most successful childhood experience, in an "improved", healthier version. This is a kind of self-medication, self-psychotherapy. Or … hmm … maybe it could be the other way around … the intensification of the trauma, its new round and the transfer of their negative experience further along the chain to the next generations. For a child, however, interaction with his mother during his prenatal period, childbirth and the period of the first year of life is a model, training for all subsequent interactions in life. Errors during this period cannot be called fatal and life-destroying, but a good experience of this period is obviously more advantageous conditions on the path of life. That is why we are often scared to do something “wrong” and want, sometimes even really want, someone to give a recipe for “how to be a good mom” in order to solve it once and for all and not suffer from constant doubts about the correctness of our mothers. action.

Initially, in my research, I wanted to see if there are psychological differences in women with a pregnancy rate and with pathology. After all, perinatal psychology has long known that a physiologically problematic pregnancy is, first of all, psychological difficulties with the mother's role in a woman.

I compared 54 different indicators and it turned out that there are not so many significant differences between these two groups, but they fit very interestingly into modern psychoanalytic views on motherhood. So, a woman with a pregnancy rate is better accepting her body (and hence herself as a whole), she is more ready for emotional contact with a child, she accepts a child more unconditionally than a woman with a pregnancy pathology. While a woman with a pathology of pregnancy compensates for the lack of unconditional acceptance, emotional contact and self-acceptance by following the rules and studying the recommendations for raising children in detail. I will quote directly an excerpt from a scientific article on the results of the study: “Summarizing the results of the study, it can be assumed that a woman's acceptance of her body, which means acceptance of herself, has a significant impact on the physical bearing of pregnancy. This conclusion correlates well with the theoretical position of perinatal psychology that during pregnancy a woman must provide her body to the child, and if there is no acceptance of her body, then she is also unable to allow a significant “other” to use it for growth and development. … On the other hand, the answer to the question: "Who is she, the mother who accepts her body?" Turned out to be interesting. A woman who accepts her body and successfully, without obstacles, bearing a child, turns out to be able to accept the child unconditionally as he is in reality, she is emotionally responsive in contact with the child. For such a mother, to a lesser extent than a mother who does not accept her body, the desire to evaluate herself as a “good mother” is characteristic, to a lesser extent she is guided by the child's behavior in their interaction, possibly allowing herself to satisfy her needs, even if they contradict the child's request at the moment. It is the acceptance of herself as not an ideal mother, as a woman who has other life roles, that gives her the opportunity to be, as D. Winnicott said, "a good enough mother", which means that the child also has the opportunity to be "good enough", but not an ideal child, to live your life and at the same time learn to accept yourself by my mother's example, as well as feel like an accepted significant adult. " I will emphasize that when it comes to the norm and pathology of pregnancy, these tendencies are in the nature of tendencies. But if you look from a different perspective, regardless of the norm or pathology of pregnancy, then the obvious conclusion arises that a “good mother” is, first of all, a living, imperfect mother. A mother who allows herself and her child to be alive. This wonderful conclusion, without research and statistical tests, was made by Winnicott back in the last century: "a good enough mother is one who does everything wrong, but she's all right." This hopeful postulate is beautiful when you read it, of course, but how often we have to simply believe ourselves and act not according to the rules, but according to our desires, causes anxiety and guilt. Easier said than done. It is often easier for us to act "as it is written", we do not like it, it is not convenient, but it is written that way and I will do it, but then I will not be responsible for the consequences either. How difficult it can be for us to take responsibility for our freedom, for our desires, for our ability to live our own unique life. And how easy it is for us to call the responsibility for ourselves and the child thorough, pedantic adherence to the rules from (often wonderful, professional, etc.) books …