Treason: Escape From Intimacy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

During my work, I have heard various stories of infidelity. But this one was very obscure to me - and therefore special.

The client, Irina, a beautiful woman, did not immediately begin her story. After Irina sat down in a chair, she was silent, and then began to cry. I silently handed her napkins, realizing that she needed time to get ready. I didn't know what the story would be about - but I felt it would be about loss. About the loss. About pain.

And when she started talking, I just listened. Because it was important for her to speak out. Share your pain. Cry out. And try to understand: why? Why is this so with her?

The story from which Irina came is a story about a relationship with her husband. She told with a sad smile that she had been married for almost 20 years. Two children, a girl and a boy, of the same kind, are almost adults. And then she began to talk about something else. The fact that she is a doctor, candidate of sciences, is in demand, she travels a lot to international conferences abroad. About her environment, where there are many good people, there are two close friends … Irina carefully listed her achievements, as if trying to delay the beginning of the story about what brought her to me … And when Irina started talking about the main thing, she could not hold back her tears.

A week ago, she found out that her husband had cheated on her. But the main thing is not what he changed, but when. They celebrated "their date" - 25 years of acquaintance. Every year on this date, they either went to dinner or went abroad for a day. In general, it was a significant and important day. And this one was special. The last year was not easy - my daughter was finishing school, work piled up, but she and her husband somehow became close in a special way. It seemed to Irina that she and her husband had crossed some line, after which there is no longer egoism, in place of which comes the desire to hear another and support, where there is deep sincerity and real sincerity. It was a feeling that life without a loved one was no longer possible. Irina felt that the times of their youthful quarrels and conflicts were over, and that she was no longer capable of inflicting severe pain on her husband. And on this special day, they walked in the park, ate ice cream, held hands, and it was so good that they were 17 again, and not 42 …

And the next morning, her husband went on a business trip, Irina spent a normal working day, a normal evening, phoned her husband before going to bed, and he said that he was already on the road … The husband arrived at 3 am and immediately went to bed. Irina could not sleep, she went to the kitchen for a drink, and when she returned, she saw the glowing screen of her husband's iPhone … Oh, this demon, lovebird, witness of all relationships, bearer of secrets … Te-le-von. One small phrase on his screen "Thank you, that was great" from her husband's employee turned Irina's whole life upside down …

She woke her husband up and said: I know everything. He sleepily tried to deny everything, but she lied that she had already talked to the employee and she confessed everything … The husband was shocked, did not think well, but under the pressure of Irina he said that it really happened, and it happened for the first time …

Irina could not understand: how? Only yesterday was SUCH a day … SUCH evening … She cried and tried again and again to get an answer from her husband … And he suddenly said: "We are doing well … It's even too good … I got scared … It doesn't happen … Especially the last year …"

And that was the main thing that Irina remembered. That when it's too good, too warm, too close, too deep - it's too …

This story hooked me.

The session ended, and Irina asked if she and her husband could come together for marital therapy. I agreed, and a week later they came together. And everything was as Irina told. By the gestures, by the looks, it was clear that her husband truly loves her. He said how much he worried about his betrayal, how he repented that he was ready to bear responsibility, to make amends. I helped them find words, to say what everyone feels … But my question remained a question: how so? Why?

After several meetings, I realized that Irina intuitively "grasped" the essence of what had happened. Everything was too good, too perfect. The way it happens in a cloudless childhood. But childhood ends - and from the paradise of our merging with mother we are expelled by a father or another child, or mother's work, or something or someone else … And some after this “expulsion from paradise” no longer believe that it can be the same wonderful. And when suddenly a real person meets, a loyal and loving partner with whom you can go to a feast, to the world, or to exploration, deja vu can happen. And now an adult reproduces a situation when someone left him, but exactly the opposite, and “takes revenge” on an innocent partner. Betraying him, cheating on him, deceiving him, he seems to be trying to understand: can I expect that this person will forgive me everything? Will he leave me? Will be there, despite my terrible, dishonest, wrong actions? And this is childish, irresponsible behavior.

And sometimes a person just doesn't know how to be in a close relationship. And when he is too close, he puts an obstacle between himself and his partner in the form of a third person. And then this third, this completely animate object acts as a barrier in order to increase the distance or create a border.

After all, many find it easier to never experience real intimacy. Call it co-dependency and merge. Infinitely build boundaries. Find third objects - alcohol, work, other men and women in order not to get closer to a partner for any price.

Because intimacy is wonderful and very scary, and someone would never agree to go to heaven if they do not give him a lifetime guarantee. And there is no guarantee. The partner can get sick. Die. Go crazy. Fall out of love. And how, then, to live on? And then the way out is not to fall in love, not to approach. Do not be enchanted, so as not to be disappointed.

Irina is doing well now. Year of work. A year of pain. Year of discoveries. She and her husband became even closer. And they are still together. Because even after people have experienced all this: betrayal, betrayal, pain, shame, fear, anger, hopelessness - some of them still continue to believe in love. And they want a truly close relationship.