2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
So, you are faced with treason. Not necessarily, by the way, conjugal - treason can be in friendship and in business - anywhere.
You are confused, in pain, and do not know what to do. Nothing seems to match the power of your suffering. You need at least something to support you …
I offer my "five cents". I hope you find them valuable.
First. Even though they cheated on you personally, it would be nice to remember: the reason, as a rule, is not in you. This means that whoever happened to be in your shoes would most likely have happened. The main reason for the betrayal is in his (her) - the cheater - his own "cockroaches". Usually, by cheating on his partner, a person plays out some unresolved conflicts, leads "showdowns" with his internal objects, projecting them onto those who are nearby.
Even if your partner tries to convince you that everything happened because you are bad, remember that "you" is also one of the characters in his personal play, to whom he attributes some role. And if - suddenly - you are ready to get acquainted with the role assigned to you in this "performance", I assure you, many unexpected surprises await you:)
Second. The first impulse that appears in the "victim" is, as a rule, anger, resentment and feelings of humiliation. Often after this there is a desire to take revenge: also change, in response. I would suggest that you take your time, think this idea well before taking on its implementation. Maybe this will make life easier for you. Or maybe not … With all the seeming sweetness, in fact, revenge turns into even greater disappointment and despair. This is exactly the case when expectations do not quite coincide with reality. Why? Look: you are upset because the cheater violates agreements, behaves dishonestly, acts unrighteously. Your cheating makes you as dishonest as he is. It will not undo the wound inflicted on you, but it will also add that you, too, have transgressed something important. Instead of relief, there is double suffering: wounded pride is joined by guilt, shame, self-loathing, etc.
Revenge is especially sophisticated. You can, for example, commit suicide … But what? To take revenge is to take revenge! In an adult way! And all at once: the wrong partner, and the rival (rival), and at the same time - and their own children, parents, relatives. Everyone will pay for the scolded dreams of perfect love!
But, of course, no one has yet surpassed Medea in this matter, who out of jealousy killed both her rival and her father-king, but most importantly - her two sons together with Jason: her rage and thirst to annoy her deceiving husband turned out to be stronger than her love for her own children!
Here it is - “the burden of human passions”: instead of personal growth and gaining wisdom - wounded pride, grief and many destroyed destinies
But something has to be done, you ask? Yes need!
What?
You need to learn to COPE with the situation. To cope does not mean to endure at all costs and wait for the spouse to "go crazy" and deal with himself.
To cope means to find, take and keep the right position.
As I pointed out, it is important to keep in mind and not forget that you are just a character in this game.
What else?
Third. It seems to you: you are suffering, and he (she) "gets high" for himself - how unfair it is! But you should know - if everything is serious there, “on the side”, then, more often than not, he also suffers. Of course, it is not easy for a person who has suffered from infidelity to find the strength to sympathize with the cheater. But often you really feel sorry for him. How many I have seen them before: confused, entangled in the trap of their desires, exhausted and driven to nervous exhaustion. Poor people!
Fourth. Ask yourself how dear this person is to you, so that you are ready to understand him and together with him to understand the current situation?
If it’s not very expensive, don’t waste your energy, let it go. Maybe you both will find your mate yet.
If you understand that you are not dear to him, do the same. Even though it will hurt. And let the justly divided property serve you as a consolation:) When you cope with the pain, you will feel much stronger, and who knows, maybe even thank the wrong partner for such a lesson?
If you feel that the potential of your relationship has not yet been exhausted, then stock up on patience, love, curiosity (!) And start working on clarifying and transforming your relationship. And get ready for new discoveries, surprises, pain, joy - for many things that you may not have had for a long time.
Very often, if you use this situation in a smart way, the relationship in a couple goes to a new - deeper level - both become wiser, more honest, more sensitive to a partner, more tolerant. To the sadness that a lot of pain was caused to each other, and the relationship will never be the same again, the joy is added that their friendship has passed the test and strengthened. Many couples, having lived this difficult period, say approximately the following: "We will not wish anyone, but it is good that this experience was in our life."
However, not everyone says so. Someone remains with the opinion that "glory to Gd, we coped, but it would be better if this did not happen in our life."
And a small fly in the ointment: "cockroaches" - alas, very tenacious creatures. You gape a little - they are right there!
We need regular prophylaxis … This is the fifth.
Good luck to all!
Recommended:
Victims Of Emotional Abuse (Part 2). Varieties Of Manipulations
All people lie. And yet all people manipulate each other to a greater or lesser extent to achieve their personal goals. The goals may be different, but the meaning is the same - to force the other to do what the manipulator needs to the detriment of personal interests.
Loss And Grief. Article For Victims And Helpers, Self-help And Therapy
Loss and grief. Article for victims and helpers, self-help and therapy The article was written both for people experiencing loss, supporting loved ones, and for representatives of helping professions. Death, divorce, termination of relationships, social and financial "
Abusers, Victims, Rescuers Which Of The Following Causes Pity, Sympathy, A Desire To Help?
Strange question, you may be thinking now. But in fact, my question is far from strange. Why does a person become an abuser (tyrant)? Yes, because there is so much fear and anxiety in his mental space, which actually appeared when he himself was a victim, that the only right decision for him, not conscious.
Cat's Pajamas. About The Victims Of Our Projections
Ray Bradbury has a story about a girl who personally tailored and sewed pajamas for her kitten for the night. In fact, the story is not about this, but about the meeting of two young people, each of whom was very kind to his pet and saw in him something more than just a cat.
Treatment Of Victims Of Pedophile Actions
In the last article, I gave a description of the personality of a pedophile, wrote about children at risk. The purpose of the article was to draw the attention of parents to this problem, to encourage them to show more sensitivity to their children and an active civil position if violence has occurred, because, unfortunately, practice often shows the suppression of an unpleasant fact, or even its denial.
