The Path To Healthy Selfishness - What Is It And How Not To Cross The Line

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A LITTLE HISTORY

In Soviet times, selfishness was not encouraged at the state level. Because in essence - who is an egoist? This is a person who thinks about himself and his family more than about the state as a whole, protects his borders and does not allow his private space to be violated. In essence, an egoist is at least a person with the concept of private property. In Soviet times, there was nothing private, and one had to think not about oneself and one's petty pathetic interests, but about the welfare of the state. And it, the state, in theory will take care of you somehow, you won't die of hunger.

In post-Soviet Russia, the term “healthy (or reasonable) egoism” came into use with someone's light hand. In fact, it appeared in the 18th century and its principles were formulated by French philosophers. The reasoning went into action, they say, you also need to think about yourself, especially since the state has withdrawn itself. And it became quite possible to starve to death. But from the point of view of healthy egoism, you also need to think about others. However, very few people succeeded in being half-egoistic. There were no traditions of healthy egoism in the country, especially since we are generally a country of extremes, in psychological terms, a narcissistic society. And healthy selfishness in our case is tantamount to being "a little pregnant." That is, it is impossible. The society divided into those who completely dismissed all moral principles and became a hardened egoist - only me, me, and everyone else is just a source of benefit and profit. And those who did not have enough courage, hardness or something else for this, they remained simple honest people. Like, being an altruist is not profitable, but I don't know how to do it any other way. There were also those who were thrown from an extreme degree of selfishness to absolute altruism, poor things. Like, I'm not only bad, but also good. This was the hardest part of all. The problem of self-identity is the most acute and painful topic in the life of any person. And even an egoist and even more so.

Well, now let's figure out what degrees of selfishness exist and what selfishness really is.

EGOISM AND EGOCENTRISM

The consciousness of a small child is egocentric. It seems to him that the world revolves exclusively around him. He wants to eat, they give him food, wants to play, they play with him, and so on. If he is not noticed and does not revolve around him with love, affection and attention, then he receives a narcissistic trauma, and his egocentricity does not end, but begins to take extreme forms. That is, a person traumatized in childhood, becoming an adult, still remains in some way a little capricious child who has not been given enough. And then he demands, but not from his parents, but from those around him. Egocentrism turns either into an attitude - all I want, I want, is the desire to go over my head and, as a defense, self-esteem is above the roof. Or in the extreme - I am a small person, I do not need anything, in extremely low self-esteem. Moreover, by the way, he often throws egocentrists from one extreme to another. Sometimes he is the most worthless person, sometimes he is incredibly great. This is called the "narcissistic swing." An egocentric person will keep you waiting if you have made an appointment with him, will try to grab a bigger piece from the buffet, although he will not eat it, will attract scandalous attention at a party … The egocentric does not see another world. He is focused on himself and his problems. He does not know how to listen, he will hear something, a snippet from your story that resonates with his problem and, interrupting you in mid-sentence, will begin to tell: “But it’s the same for me …” And for half an hour, but what about him. "But what do I think …" In general, he will insert his five cents everywhere.

The egocentric wants to be very good in the eyes of others. Although she cannot restrain her greedy brilliance in her own, she strives to use others morally or financially.

This is how you read this portrait and it will become scary what kind of terrible gentlemen, these egocentrists are. Ha, but in life these are the purest charms, these are the nicest people. It's just that these qualities manifest themselves unconsciously in them and you don't see them right away. They don't understand what this one looks like from the outside, because the locus of control is biased. They do not evaluate their behavior from the outside, it is very difficult for them. It is important for them what others say about them, and it does not matter how close the external assessments are to reality. The main thing is to speak well. Because of this, egocentrists periodically perform some grandiose good deeds. They need approval. And often to the detriment of themselves. Wikipedia writes that the opposite of selfishness is altruism. But the real opposite to it is egocentrism, unhealthy, underdeveloped in an adult form egoism. It can also be the basis for outbursts of altruism. This is a special type of thinking. For example, I observed a picture of how in one family a man among his loved ones was a tyrant and a terrible "everything to me, to me", but to those around him he was kind and generous. He could take toys away from his children so that he could give them to a neighbor with a nice smile and affectionate words, in front of the neighbor, of course. He knew that later the neighbor would tell others very well about him, and this comforted his sick vanity. He abandoned the apartment, which was offered to him back in Soviet times, in favor of a colleague at work (as he thanked him!), And did not allow his own wife to buy extra stockings and a dress.

A person without narcissistic trauma has every chance of becoming a healthy, intelligent egoist. Although evolutionarily selfishness is not very justified. Only those communities survived where they thought of others more than themselves. But today the world is quite stable. We are not threatened by dinosaurs or wild bears on the attack of a neighboring tribe. We are entering an era where loners win. And they lead the rest of the community to success and a better standard of living. Reasonable egoism is now the basis of happiness. And not only your own, but also those around you. There is a parable about a man who wanted to make the whole world happy. He worked for ten years, but did not achieve success. The people were still unhappy. Then he decided to make at least his country happy. He worked tirelessly, but the country was still unhappy. "OK! - he said. “I’ll make my city happy at least!” And he began to work for the good of his city. But time passed, and the city did not become happier. The man decided to make his family happy. Several more years passed, but the family was unhappy. He got upset, dropped his hands and said: "Well, I'll make at least myself happy!" And I started working on it. And after a while I looked around and saw that his family is happy, the city is happy, the country is happy, and the world is prosperous. Conclusion: you cannot create the happiness of others through your own unhappiness and difficulties. There is nothing more beneficial for others than a healthy and contented person. He is an egoist, he first of all thinks about his interests. And there is nothing wrong with that!

STAGES OF THE GREAT PSYCHOLOGICAL WAY TO HEALTHY SELFISM

Rational egoism (I repeat, not to be confused with egocentrism) can be cultivated in oneself. And narcissistic trauma can be overcome even by learning and benefitting from it.

This is where it all starts, step by step.

First, with a nonjudgmental acceptance of one's family history and one's parents for who they are. It’s quite difficult on its own, but it’s possible. There is an exercise - a letter to parents that does not need to be sent. And in it it is necessary to describe the following: why you are angry with your parents, what you regret, what you thank, what you would like from them and what you remember with joy. If you do this exercise with a psychotherapist, pronouncing the emerging feelings, then you can get incredible results in one session. As if you are freeing yourself and an invisible heavy load falls from your shoulders.

Secondly, you need to outline your boundaries of what is allowed and what is not allowed in relations with people. And try to defend both your own borders and not to violate those of others. Forming and maintaining one's boundaries takes maturity. But immature individuals regard the protection of their own borders as selfishness in a bad sense.

- Let me wear your cloak!

- I won't, I need him.

- Well, you are an egoist!

No need to engage in similar dialogues. This is the manipulation of untreated narcissists.

Third, it is necessary to pamper yourself every day and show acts of self-love. Praise yourself, collect compliments and try to bring self-esteem closer to the golden mean. Do not consider yourself to be neither worse than others, nor better. Raskolnikov's question: "Am I a trembling creature or do I have the right?" nothing more than a manifestation of narcissistic trauma and self-centeredness. A healthy, cheerful egoist does not ask such questions. There is a correct attitude that returns self-esteem to healthy positions and in which you feel good - it sounds like this: "I am just a worthy person, no worse and no better than others."

Fourthly, you should look every day for moments for self-realization of your talents and abilities. To devote time to your favorite work, even if it is still at the level of a hobby, is a manifestation of the healthiest egoism. Pleasing yourself is vital. Women especially often sacrifice their need for self-realization to family and everyday life. But creative self-realization is also a basic need, without the satisfaction of which a person becomes embittered and even unconsciously takes revenge on his loved ones for his sacrifices.