2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The impetus for writing this essay was an awareness that is difficult to assimilate. Awareness of parental competition and the acting out by moms and dads of their childhood misfortunes on the child. I may not have undertaken to put these reflections on paper, if not for the case
By the will of fate, I witnessed a conversation between my father and my very young son, who is at the age of comprehending his own boundaries and the boundaries of the world around him. For educational purposes, the parent rumbled at the naughty child, informing the baby that when he was just as little, his parents, that is, the baby's grandparents, treated him this way and that for such behavior: they acted harshly! The little one reacted as follows: he looked at dad with wide eyes, walked aside, sat with his back to everyone and, with a look too pensive for his age, began to sort out some details from toys. It seems to me that the child was taken aback and confused. This text was too incomprehensible for him in content and too charged with feelings that had no direct relation to him. His behavior triggered Dad's deeply personal worries. It seems to me that at this moment dad all left the parental hypostasis and began to compete with his son for childhood happiness.
This incident raised strong feelings in me. A lot of similar examples came to my mind: when parents utter incomprehensible texts to children: when I did not listen to my grandmother / grandfather, he (a) did this to me! (the following is a description of a series of cruel grandmother's antics). Do you know how I lived at your age ?! Look how people around live - what are you dissatisfied with / flax ?! Why can our neighbor (s) behave this way, but you can't ?! etc. etc.
I dare to suggest that many of us can "boast" of such a legacy and find similar memories. The described patterns of behavior are widespread in our reality. All these appeals to the child's conscience, one after the other and interspersed, fill the child with a universal, powerful, overwhelming sense of guilt. The child is not able to understand that in the parental texts there is a hysterical cry of his own childhood pain and grievances, for which the child is not at all responsible. A child cannot see not only a parent pouring out everything on the wrong addressee, but also just a person who is very sorry. It is a piercing pity that he is in such unbearable pain.
Honor your parents …
The issue that I want to discuss is the issue of presenting all my torment. Of course, personal therapy, with all its empty chairs, other techniques, and building a relationship with a personal therapist, becomes the springboard for this. But sometimes it seems to me that grievances can be so deep that if they are not expressed to the direct culprit, then they cannot breathe in, do not breathe out.
Our mentality is dominated by the attitude that parents should not be accused and aggression. You need to be silent, restrain, suppress. The offspring who allow themselves such splashes are condemned by both parents and society. Obedient children are always nicer. Moreover, it is often desirable that they always be obedient - and at 50 years old too. I myself am for honoring parents, but I am categorically against being silent when the parent is driving. I believe that the child has every right to tell the parent: I am angry with you, you offend me, you hurt me. Such a text can only be pronounced by a very conscious child (and not every adult is capable of producing such a text). An ordinary child has every right to shout all sorts of nasty things in his own voice, and parents should read between the lines what their child is screaming about. I also vote so that adults can tell their adult parents where they were wrong or are wrong now. I must admit that this method often looks unattractive, but I believe that it is better and more honest than silence. After all, if you tell another about your feelings, he can see what he has not seen before. He may start to change. Relationships can change for the better.
Of course, there is no guarantee that if you present your grievances to your parents, that if you set them boundaries, they will recover and life will improve, but determining who is responsible for what will reduce the burden on children - they will not have to bear no fault of their own.
In fairness, I will say that the man from the story told at the beginning noticed the child's reaction and realized he was wrong. He was genuinely upset. He needs more knowledge on how to be a good dad. And then you can return to personal therapy, participation in psychological groups, seeking advice from a specialist. Here I would like to exclaim what is widely known in narrow circles: "Glory to Gestalt!" After all, I would not have been able to notice and describe all this if it were not for the experience of personal experience in therapy and training in the program.
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