2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Not all relationships stand the test of strength when partners enter a midlife crisis. But codependent relationships are the most difficult to change. This is a relationship where there is only "we" and "our": our interests, our affairs, we need or do not need, we want, we agree …
When one of the partners begins a crisis, then he gradually reveals himself as a separate person. It turns out that he may want something other than the desires of "we", to have his own hobbies and views. Then the idea of “we are one whole” collapses in the understanding as it was. The other partner perceives this as rejection and there is a fear of losing the relationship. And he can begin to make a lot of efforts to "reason", to return to the previous state his soul mate, using different methods: aggression, control, shame, accusation, manipulation, blackmail …
Claims, misunderstandings, resentments are growing. Frustration, anger, pain appear. Relationships are becoming more and more unbearable, and you want to break out of them at any cost. Ideas soar persistently, and even the confidence that these problems are due to the fact that this is “the wrong partner”. Further divorce.
Could there be other options? They can.
“To my beloved husband, whom I hate
You want the impossible from me. Or rather, not so, it seems that I want the impossible from myself. Give my life for yours. It seems to be noble. But this is a dubious nobility. As for you, for whose sake it is performed, so for me. Looks more like cowardice. Yes, the fear of being yourself, the fear of taking risks and being ultimately unnecessary. You don't need it. Not necessary for who I really am.
When you ask me not to upset you, not hurt you, that is, I didn’t say how I really feel, I hide suffering and despair, guilt and disgust, and I start to hate you, silently but loudly speaking with my actions.
I am faced with a difficult choice: to save you or myself. When I take care of you, I betray myself, because I have to hide, hold, not show feelings. I'm killing myself. Or I rush there and to those with whom I can be myself.
When I risk being honest, I become guilty of your suffering. And you have to work. You need to get enough sleep, not sort things out. You need to take care of us all. And now I am a hostage. Hostage or addict. I am like a drug addict who both wants pleasure and hates what brings it. You are like a drug, only with legs. You can leave at any time. And I depend on you. Therefore, I quietly hate you, and it’s even difficult to admit that I hate because I love you. This is such a strange love. And, also, I am ashamed that you, it seems, are not guilty of anything …
… I no longer have a choice, I have already made it: I have chosen to live! Itself. Not without you, but I can no longer sacrifice myself for our family. I risk ruining everything. But then this relationship was not worth it to ruin my life for them.. here it hurts me, and I cry from fear and disappointment, from possible upcoming disappointment.
I don’t want to explain anything to you anymore, I’ll just do what I want. Sounds selfish, the most scary. Yes, it seems that I am selfish, well then I am not worthy of you and you deserve better, and the sooner you know this, the more honest. Take care of yourself, and I will take care of myself. Maybe this will be more useful. Well, or at least we will disperse, but remain alive. Wounded but alive.
It looks like a suicide note. It seems that I am preparing to die the one who was good and comfortable, needed by everyone and unnecessary to myself.
I live and suffer, I make mistakes. Banal mistakes. I want like everyone else, like all LIVING people! And not the robots are correct. I'll make it right someday. But not now. I want to live and feel. I want to love and suffer. I want it to hurt. But also sweet. Yes, I might be sorry. But then. And now I want to Live! And I stubbornly go to my dream. To yourself!"
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