How To Suppress Resentment In Yourself

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Video: How To Suppress Resentment In Yourself

Video: How To Suppress Resentment In Yourself
Video: How To Get Over Resentment 2024, March
How To Suppress Resentment In Yourself
How To Suppress Resentment In Yourself
Anonim

I will be offended at all. I'm leaving for Africa. My wooden horse Will take me. There will be oranges in Africa for dinner. I won't miss anyone at all.

(Vitezslav Nezval, translated by Irina Tokmakova)

A red-haired girl Tanya entered the psychologist's office, and timidly sat down on the edge of a chair, looking around the room.

- Oh, and you also have old books - Tanya almost whispered.

- Well, yes, some books from my childhood, I brought them from home - I answered.

- But I have such a little book at home! - Tanya exclaimed happily, pointing with her finger at the book "Carousel" with verses by Irina Tokmakova, read almost to the holes.

At that moment, her inherent timidity receded and she began to speak more confidently.

- I really love the poem about a boy who was offended and he went to Africa.

- Why do you like it so much? - I asked her with interest.

- Don't you understand? Then everyone loved him, so that he would not leave, and would not be offended. What is not clear here! - She answered with joy in her voice.

It is no secret that each of us at least once in his life was offended. What time there is!

Resentment is a universal psychological defense mechanism that helps to cope with unpleasant experiences, mental pain, ambivalence of feelings. Having experienced it, we unconsciously begin to avoid situations that hurt us

Recently, data have appeared that indicate that resentment can cause irreparable harm to our health. There is evidence of the existence of a connection between such a terrible disease as cancer with emotional dependence, with the experience of feelings of resentment. The feeling of constant strong resentment, gnawing from the inside, can lead to such a disease, when, in the literal sense, the body is “eaten from the inside”. After all, what is resentment if not eating yourself? Resentment is bitterness directed inside a person.

Stubbornly cherishing bitter feelings, we often do not want to part with our resentment. Why is this happening?

Experiencing resentment is such a complex, cunning feeling. And it does not appear in our repertoire immediately, but a little later at the age of 2 to 5 years. This is the time when we creatively adopt the ability to feel resentment from our friends in the sandbox, and sometimes we spy on how it happens in adults, well, for example, from mom and dad. When we were still children, we were actively, and I would say, with creative enthusiasm, without noticing it ourselves, looking for our own forms of resentment, simply because grievances work. They react to them!

So, resentment, as a rule, is a manipulation, when behind the majority of grievances there are some internal benefits that are often not realized. Some of them may be conscious, which is confirmed by children's behavior, when children know who they are offended and why. "I am not crying for you, I am crying for my mother!"

In vain, in vain, nobody - small children are not offended: "If you do not do this, I will be offended by you."

In fact, resentment is a disappointment, only not fully lived, that is, it is tightly packed into it:

  • expectations, about how and who should act,
  • a note of accusing another,
  • a note of blaming myself
  • self-justification,
  • justifying another,
  • hope that everything should have been somehow different and
  • denial of the simple human helplessness of all participants in a relationship before the circumstances and themselves at a certain point in time.

Touchiness as a personality trait is formed gradually, and manifests itself as a tendency to see offense in many everyday situations. The so-called habit of being offended is formed, which is why a wall of incomprehension and alienation often grows out of nowhere. A touchy person is usually sure that the whole thing is in those around him who treat him unkindly.

What to do with this surging and suffocating feeling of resentment, which hurts us so much and gnaws from the inside, delivering not fake mental suffering?

one. Try to figure it out, conduct a dialogue with yourself, think - why do I need a feeling of resentment? What need do I want to satisfy in such a difficult way? You can try to articulate your needs to your partner more directly, without resorting to manipulation through resentment.

2. Try to determine what feeling is behind the hurt: humiliation, rejection, disappointment? By identifying feelings, it is easier to experience them. After that, you can try to express your grievances “at the address”, remembering that the complaint will be heard if it is rational and not emotional.

3. As a rule, in a feeling of resentment, a person is looking for a way to change the already accomplished real or apparent injustice towards him. There is a belief that the more diligently we suffer, being in a state of resentment, the faster some miraculous changes will occur and from somewhere there will be a reward for self-sacrifice.

There will be no rewards!

It is difficult to come to terms with these when there is a childhood experience, through an offense to receive a new toy, attention, care, love.

4. When we shift all responsibility for our destiny onto others, we become overly demanding of people, we paste over them with convenient labels - that's when we begin to wonder how much our beliefs diverge from the images of others, while we ourselves are these images and invented. And we begin to actively take offense at this.

5. It is difficult not to be offended when he is used to checking other people's words and actions only with his own picture of the world. For many resentful people, giving up your opinion means rejecting part of your own personality. There is a firm desire to follow a certain life model, adherence to stereotypes: "Close people never quarrel" interferes with life.

Being at the mercy of internal diktat, such a person, for example, does not notice the approach of a crisis in a relationship, turns a blind eye to alarming signs. And when another commits an act that has fallen out of the pattern that has developed over the years, the world collapses and forgiveness turns out to be impossible.

Perhaps you are expecting too much from your relationships, or you are not expressing your feelings, hopes, and needs clearly enough. It would be nice to learn to clearly, communicate what you expect, and understand what others expect from you, and not forget about the boundaries of the possible and the impossible.

Resentment is the collapse of idealization and denial of some other acceptable meaning of what is happening. It comes from a lack of information about oneself, about people and about life in general.

It's also such a childish way to cope with the reality of adulthood!

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