2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Marina's story
Marina is a very kind girl. And a very good friend. Therefore, when a friend called her at first o'clock in the morning with the statement: "I had a fight with a guy, I will come to you to spend the night" - I took it for granted. She quickly suppressed the indignation that had risen: "Wow, I put it in front of the fact, did not even ask if it was possible to come." Indeed, friends, after all, must help each other out, and she is in trouble, the time is late. Well, nothing that had to wait at night, and then also calm down a friend. You can get enough sleep later.
This is not the first time a friend has taken advantage of Marina's kindness. It is unlikely that she could come to a person who keeps his boundaries well and can easily refuse if he is uncomfortable.
But it makes no sense to condemn her, we are working with Marina and her life strategies.
Marina comes to me with an internal conflict: I want to be a good friend and treat people the same way they treat me. And at the same time, I feel angry, but I don't know if I have a right to it.
She lacks internal support to put everything in its place in this situation.
The key point in this situation
When choosing between relationships and self-interests, priority always have a relationship. Of course, this is a program from childhood that broadcasts: "Adjust and be good for the Other, otherwise you will be rejected."
This program teaches you to devalue your needs, putting the interests of the Other first and suppressing discontent. It’s like you don’t have the right not only to take care of yourself more, but also to feel dissatisfaction with this state of affairs. You can only follow it for a limited time. Suppressed dissatisfaction accumulates, a person begins to turn from a good, correct friend into a Sacrifice that endures a boorish attitude. According to the Karpman triangle law, at some point the Victim will turn into the Persecutor and express all the accumulated discontent at once.
The other side will face an inadequately strong negative reaction to some small thing. She does not know that all this time her friend endured and sacrificed her interests. Both of them will be very unpleasant, the relationship will suffer.
This is the case when "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." Under the influence of the program, we do not see what the strategy will lead to being good. One day, you will inevitably become bad. Or you will quietly leave the relationship, because it will go beyond all limits of patience.
What instead of a program?
Ability to talk about what does not suit you as early as possible. To see and recognize the "please or you will be rejected" program in yourself. Respect your own interests in the same way or even more than the interests of the Other. Be open to dialogue: to be ready to explain your position and hear the position of the interlocutor. And a good understanding of who owes what to whom in a relationship.
Answer honestly to yourself the questions:
- Should I agree to what is uncomfortable for me, even if the Other really needs it? Will he be able to cope without me or I must certainly get involved in the situation?
- Am I ready to be bad for someone if I choose myself and my interests? Can I handle it and move on?
- Am I ready to lose a relationship if it can exist only on the condition of my sacrifice to my own interests?
- Should a person be interested in my opinion if his decisions affect me?
- Can I refuse a request, but maintain a good relationship with the person?
The answers to these and other similar questions form our adult position instead of the programs learned in childhood.
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