It's Time To Live

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I lived in this apartment for over a year, as usual, squeezing myself into the space that was free, without organizing it for myself. The owner of the apartment allowed me to throw out everything unnecessary, but I only moved some things, and some did not touch at all.

In winter, a new acquaintance came to visit me. Communication seemed to have good prospects. But he suddenly noticed a package of baby food and a bottle of shampoo for dogs on the refrigerator, and I have no children or a dog. “Master's,” - I replied to his surprised look - “Doesn't bother me. And climbing a ladder and sorting it out is time, effort … . A new acquaintance abruptly got ready to leave and did not appear again. I shrugged my shoulders and continued to live as I lived.

On a spring night, something rattled in the bedroom. I walked around the room: not like thieves or mice. In the morning, as soon as I got up, with an eerie crash, a plastic window slope collapsed into my place on the bed, filling the bed with rubbish. The upper window slopes in the bedroom and in the kitchen hung open from the very beginning. They would have been immediately corrected, but it was necessary to get up on the ladder - and this is time, strength …

I was also afraid to climb the ladder. But now I was more afraid of the kitchen slope falling into my favorite tea. Having conquered the stirrup height, I repaired both slopes and at the same time put things in order on the refrigerator. All of a sudden, these small steps have led to big changes.

The bedroom became comfortable and safe: a sloping black hole stopped gaping above the window - it seemed like a trifle, but it turned out that it strongly influenced the perception of space. The kitchen seems to have three times more space, and even much lighter and easier to breathe.

I really wanted to arrange the rest of the space for myself. Throw out something, rearrange something, buy something. It was embarrassing that there was still a couple of months left to live in this apartment, and then another move was coming. But the drive from the sudden comfort was so strong that I plunged into the arrangement.

At the same time, I began to explore the space outside - I walked along the area with new paths and unexpectedly found many interesting places: both good grocery stores, which were “close by” all this time, but I did not know about them, and a cozy park with a fountain and a swing, and beautiful architecture, and some useful household establishments such as a hairdresser.

I arranged my life - both inside the apartment and outside. It became very comfortable and joyful. But in my soul I was pinched by melancholy - I really did not want to move from this now cozy and habitable place, next to which I found so many opportunities for life and leisure. It was a shame that efforts were invested in something "temporary" that would soon be abandoned. And I was tormented by guilt and regret that I had not done all this earlier - a year and a half ago. Inside, voices were "sawing" "After all, I could have organized all this at once", "How can I leave it all now?" and "Why spend money on something so temporary?"

"Why spend money on temporary" subsided pretty quickly. Even a few days spent in a renewed environment, filled with joy and comfort, were worth the effort. Why - that's behind these very feelings of joy, fulfillment and comfort. And suddenly it turned out that a couple of months is not so little, if you live them to the fullest.

"How can we leave all this now?" found my answer too. Say goodbye to this place and live grief and loss just like when you say goodbye to a dear person. And I saw a familiar fear - it's scary to choose a good partner and create a good relationship, because it's scary to lose. But I already have experience, when I lived through the loss and survived, survived, was able to live on, in a new way. So now I can. Say goodbye to this house and find a new one. And now the experience of creating coziness will still remain with me, I will be able to apply this experience in a new place.

"After all, I could have organized all this at once." Yes, sorry I didn't. There was no experience, there were no resources. But now I have experience on how to do it. And in a new place I can do it earlier.

How similar it is to life, to the attitude to changes, to the feelings that arise during the course of therapy. We live in “alien” space: imposed alien attitudes, alien rules, alien expectations and desires. We squeeze into the space that was created for us by family circumstances in childhood, and we do not change it, we do not equip it, we do not create our own, we do not know and do not realize our resources that are “at hand”. To change something - it's scary to "climb a ladder", "it's time and effort." And it seems that all this alien does not interfere so much.

However, it is worth taking even a small step - and you can get big changes. But doubts plagued "Is it necessary?", "Isn't it too late to change something - I am already so many years old?" And then, when we do decide to change (usually after something “collapses”), the “conscience” torments us that we did not do it earlier. And then it may even seem that it would be better if they did not do it at all, because it hurts to endure the feeling of guilt in front of oneself.

But the result of arranging your own life for yourself is worth it to decide.

Ivanova Elena (Saida) Vyacheslavovna