2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
We often ask ourselves - am I raising my child the right way? I would paraphrase - who is raising my child? Often these “someone” are our parents, who still live within us, with all their statements and rules of life
What am I talking about? Take, for example, the neutral phrase “Put on your hat, it's 18 degrees outside!”. Why do we say this? Judging from the absurdity of what is happening, not from intuition or personal experience. This is what our parents told us, which became the ultimate truth. Not because we do not think, but because it is an axiom for us. On the other hand, we cannot give the child the choice of whether to wear a -5-degree hat. With a high probability, he will neglect her. But often we do not think about the child when we force him to put on a hat, but about ourselves. In order not to worry and then not to heal.
For example, I say to my Fedor - you have to listen to your mother! Immediately I break off. I will paraphrase in my head - "It will be better to listen to me now, since I wish you well." He owes nothing to anyone. Naturally, you need to guide and teach the baby. But not with such phrases. Otherwise, a slave nature cannot be avoided in the future.
Where does this "must", "always" come out of me? All from the same place, from my roots. All the problems that we had with our dad and mom, we project onto our children. Nowadays it is very fashionable to take children to psychotherapists. It seems that the parent himself is afraid to go, and sends the child to take the rap for his own jambs. So, in most cases, you need to work with the parent, changing his behavior. Then the atmosphere in the family will change. And the child will necessarily "mirror" it.
And also our all-consuming love! I would like to study well, and to grow up as “someone”, and my wife is a mistress and a clever girl. Why did you give birth? To live life for him, apparently. But stereotypes stubbornly insist on their own.
Where, then, is the golden mean? What should be guided by? Common sense? Our parents, too, do not seem to be stupid at all. Or then brought up, as the grandmother of the grandmother said … Mom's intuition? Not everyone has it, and this is a controversial point - our intuition. It seems to us that it is she, but no! These can be all the same attitudes that were presented to us in childhood. There is another option - to re-read many books, analyze, choose the best strategy for yourself. All these people are already like relatives to us: Gippenreiters, Sears, Ibuki, Druckermans. I know it can be difficult to find the very core and apply it to your child. Experiment! Mistakes cannot be avoided. And that's okay.
Love should not be all-consuming (as mentioned above), but therefore - obsessive and destructive. To love means to let go in time, to give an opportunity for a person (this is me about your child) to develop freely and choose his own path. Andrei Metelsky, pediatrician, teenage psychotherapist, says that parents always think they know better than their child about their needs. Each child is born as a separate person with its own mission and purpose, but we still persistently "educate" him.
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