When Parents Fight, I Get Sick

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We are born in a family, get certain skills, learn the rules that are established in this family and are passed on from generation to generation, grow and finally, growing up, create our own family, a copy of the parent. We are all children from our family and all, sooner or later, become parents, and therefore it is very important to understand parent-child relationships.

The identified patient (that is, the one for whom the family seeks a family therapist) is seen as part of a dysfunctional family system. I will immediately give a description of a functional family - this is the family that copes with the external and internal tasks assigned to it.

In families where the child is presented as an identified patient, his symptoms often mask the conflict between the parents, and as a result, the child becomes the family scapegoat. Let's say there are a number of unresolved problems between the parents, they are "stuck" and their marriage is in jeopardy. The child may have his own difficulties in response, which will distract the parents from their conflicts and force them to turn to their problems. The tension in the family will decrease somewhat, which will positively reinforce and fix the child's problems.

Let me give you an example: a 9-year-old girl has been suffering from bronchial asthma since the age of three. Where and what parents did not treat their child, but to no avail. By a happy coincidence, the whole family ended up in family therapy. In a circular interview, I asked the girl: "Are there days when you are not sick? - Yes, when the parents do not quarrel."

Gradually, the child's problems overshadow even the disagreement between the spouses, and they begin to demonstrate pseudo-cooperation in relation to this situation. If all this continues for a long time, then a myth may arise about the ideal family, in which there is only one problem - this is the illness or the child's behavioral difficulties.

Let me give you another example that is quite common in my practice: a child goes to first grade for the first time - it is very exciting for the whole family! And often this is accompanied by a family crisis, if up to this point there was disagreement in the upbringing of the child between the parents, then it becomes obvious. Parents for the first time (if this is the first child and also the only one) experience the fact that they can be left alone with themselves and their feelings, and what to do about it?

Nowadays, mothers very often do not work, they are engaged in raising children before school, and now, when the child does not require so much attention, the question of her going to work arises. And such a prospect may scare her (perhaps she lost her qualifications, there is no suitable vacancy, time has "gone ahead"). But it is also possible for the husband, who is content and happy that his wife is always at home, accustomed to this, fears her going to work, afraid of losing control over her. The child takes these fears upon himself, a school phobia develops.

I also want to touch on a delicate topic - difficult spousal interactions in the sexual sphere. This is a subtle area because it has to do with self-esteem. Unsatisfied sexual intercourse, it happens. Spouses love each other, respect each other, find common interests, but intimate relationships did not work out! A child is born. They are very loving parents and the fulfillment of parental functions unites them, gives meaning to their lives, gives them the opportunity to communicate with each other. When a child has problems, parents unite and help him. They are together and it makes them happy. But night falls, the child goes to bed, the parents are left alone with each other - this is dangerous - it is necessary to sort out intimate relationships, fulfill marital duty, tension increases. And then the TV comes to the rescue! Mom, Dad and TV! And again everything is fine! The problem arises when there is no electricity.

Many symptomatic patterns such as alcoholism, incest, physical symptoms, violence and suicide are often repeated from generation to generation. Recognizing and exploring these patterns can help the family understand what adaptations they are using and avoid repeating unpleasant patterns in the present and moving them into the future by learning other ways of coping with the situation.

The legacy of "family programming" can have a profound effect on the expectation of choice in the present. For example, a girl who comes from a family where there have been divorces for several generations may perceive divorce as almost normal. If there was violence in the parental family, then most likely the child, having created his own family, will also encounter this problem. If the husband "raised his hand" to his wife and applied physical punishment to the children, then the boys who grew up in such a family will also "beat up" their loved ones. If in the parental family the dad was an alcoholic, then the son, most likely, will also abuse alcohol, and the daughter of such a dad will marry an alcoholic.

Each of us, as it were, reproduces the situation of the parental family in relationships and in marriage. Sometimes completely repeating, sometimes only the key points. And the more difficult the experience gained from the parental family, the more problems and difficulties we face in our own family.

Studying family history, building a genogram (/ Murray Bowen / special form of recording information), circular interviews, can provide clues to understanding the nature of such patterns and clarify how symptoms can appear, some interaction stereotypes will persist or protect a certain "legacy" of previous generations.

Dear parents, if your child is often sick, there are difficulties in learning, behavior, think about what is happening in your family? What's with your relationship? In the family, the "main violin" is played by a married couple! If parents look at each other with love, the child is happy and healthy! I wish it to all. And, if you have similar symptoms described here, run to your family therapist.