2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Re-educating the other half, is it possible? A private variety of an even more widespread mass belief that a loved one, a spouse (s) can be changed, remade for themselves, re-educated. Speaking about this, people refer to specific examples: "Look, Petka has weaned his smoking …", "Nastya was able to make Sergei come for her on time," the toilet …"
Yes, there really are such examples. A lot of them. There cannot be many of them for at least one reason: even bears in the circus are taught to ride a bicycle, and even a person can be taught better things than ironing trousers, calling on time and bringing home the entire pay without making a "stash."
Of course, for someone, for many years to teach a cute one to take out the trash on their own, or to force his wife to get ready quickly, is a victory of almost galactic proportions, worthy of immediate entry into the annals of history. However, trying to reveal the correctness of this myth, I pose the question in a different way: “Is it worth wasting the happy time of friendship on achieving such ridiculous results? Moreover, they may not be achieved, but the partners are so exhausted from eternal quarrels that, in the end, they will shudder at the sight of each other. Is it worth the criticism for an ugly smile or that hairstyle that you don't like, those tears, scandals, offenses, "playing in silence" or outright slamming doors, which, so often, all this is accompanied by? In my opinion - no!"
The question is legitimate: why do I think so, and what to do with the bad (or, more precisely, simply not similar to our own) habits of the partner? Let's go in order. We'll start with the following: The habit of manipulating other people comes to us since childhood.
Yes, yes, since that golden era, when the dolls we play always have an ideal figure (and they are usually silent), and the tin soldiers are always persistent, smart and courageous (and they never drink yet). They do absolutely everything that we order them and never contradict us. And if they "jokingly" contradict them, then they get "in the ass" from us. Then everything immediately falls into place.
At the same time, we come to the need to obey our beloved parents. I like it - I don't like it, but I have to do it. Here we ourselves can be given "in the priest" or deprived of sweets. In general, at this age, methods are applied to us, at that point in time simply force majeure. Remember the broom in the hands of an angry mom or dad with weighty slippers at the ready … Horror !!! Until now, as I remember, frost on the skin!
But, behold, we have grown. Or already quite adults. We are 20, 25, 30, 40 years old. Then we move in, or we get married immediately, we get married. But children's inclinations and the memory of ideal toys, meanwhile, remain with us for life …
The fact that manipulating other people is extremely problematic, we, having become adults, nevertheless, already know. We usually no longer try to correct someone, a completely outsider. We know: this is useless! Therefore, when at work the question arises of whether it is necessary to fire a drunkard, a truant, or someone who does not know how to communicate normally with clients - here we are, as a rule, categorical and categorical. "Carthage must be destroyed!" - and that's it!
This means that here, in "adult life", there are rules. Rules of intolerance for the flaws of others. The rules of confidence that a person cannot be corrected in any way. What he was … And all that. “Nafig us these experiments! We will be chirping here, with some Pupkin there!"
One of the rules of adulthood is not believing that someone can be corrected or re-educated
Agree ?! Surely agree. Now pay attention to this.
Confessing in everything the same rule of disbelief in the ability to change those around them, while the same people try to behave with their loved ones in a completely different way …
There is no principle of unity of requirements here! The "shoals" of a loved one, of course, are also annoying. Yes, how annoying! However, we in a strange way hope to correct and re-educate him on the sly …
All this is strange, isn't it? Of course it's strange. But meanwhile, we are not talking about some kind of Martians, but about you and me … Yes, yes, about you too!
And all this happens, in my opinion, because if you define love through the plane that we are talking about now, love is a kind of role-playing game. Love is a preliminary "family game". A kind of warm-up before a long, lifelong race. Agree: in fact, this is so! Potentially love is family. There it is already, another matter, whether it develops or not, burns out or burns out. But, since this is potentially EVERYTHING - FAMILY, once while we are friends - we play "mom" and "dad", it means that from the depths of our memory and subconsciousness, quite specific memories of how we scolded our toys, and how our parents were very successful in re-educating ourselves. And when we are already a family, this kind of "attitudes from childhood" often turn out to be very intrusive … And it is unaware to all of us that in this case, our childhood memories are bad helpers. They will, of course, then help us to bring up our real "toys" - our own children and grandchildren. But, behold, to educate a fully accomplished man, girl or adult woman by the same methods … Here, as they say, he will find a scythe on a stone!
There is a popular wisdom: "The grave will fix the hunchback." Think about it. But this is actually exactly the case! Understand this and accept it.
Whatever illusions you may have about this, YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE YOUR PARTNER
Is that so, on trifles! And even then in the very first months of family relationships. But months and years after the start of the relationship - alas, in no way!
Let's finally understand: your spouse is NOT a CHILDREN'S TOY anymore! Starting from the age of eighteen, he (a) is a fully adult and fully formed person. He (she) can no longer insert a key "into one place", after turning which, he will immediately begin to perform exactly those movements that we so want to see.
Answer yourself to fairly simple questions: “Do you love yourself? Do you value yourself? Do you respect yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you value your individuality? I dare to think that you answered in the affirmative to all this. And since this is the case, if you love yourself, appreciate and respect yourself - think: would you yourself agree to the fact that you (so cool!) Someone there changed, corrected and taught? Of course not, no, and again no! It was not for nothing that the legendary Buratino responded precisely in this spirit to those spiders whom the respected Malvina sent to teach him about his culture of behavior, who, you see, did not like his behavior at the table: “Teach your spiders better !!!”. And in saying this, Pinocchio was completely right!
Well, what do you want from your "half" ?! Are you still naively hoping that he (s) is molded from a different test? Finish with this kind of love illusion!
If your partner or spouse (s) has already passed over twenty, be sure: all your attempts to re-educate and instruct on the true path can crawl out sideways.
A lot of people who quarreled "splashed" because of some trifle, such as the fact that someone loved chewing gum, and someone did not, will tell you about it quite confidentially …
Understand: in almost all areas of life (and in love relationships too), the rule of "adequate response" applies. That is, if you do not like the fact that you are being corrected, then your loved one, most likely, does not like it either. And all other conjectures from the evil one.
Based on the foregoing, I strongly advise you: “Do not invade the inner psychological space of your“half”with a hammer and a screwdriver! Do not shock him by saying that all these years he (a) lived WRONG. And only now, with your appearance in his (her) life, everything will radically and fundamentally change and, finally, begin to improve. From such statements, an internal psychological imbalance can happen even in such people who are ready to go on a bear with their bare hands. The more faint of heart, in general, can easily immediately "leave the hall." Moreover, for good. Think about it.
In general, I advise, when faced with the fact that your chosen one or chosen one has some shortcomings (and the most important is that he (she) does not listen to you), do not go along the beaten, but stupid and unpromising road of constant criticism and “sawing ". Either immediately abandon attempts to "frontal" correction based on the development of an inferiority complex in a person due to the fact that he (s) does not really correspond to your ideas about the ideal person, or be mentally prepared in advance to shed tears when the person leaves you. Yes Yes! Exactly! Well, now, let's stop at this and draw our own conclusions.
Quarrels related to attempts by partners to re-educate are not just a "rake", it is a tragedy!This is a very scary and sad family conflict. Moreover, a conflict that, in principle, could always have been foreseen and even avoided. But, the necessary conclusions were not made in a timely manner, and, therefore, a terrible time has come for the possible loss of a loved one …
And so that you do not have such a loss, remember it once and for all.
The widespread belief that any person can be successfully customized is not only not true, but also directly leads to an increase in the number of quarrels and a tragic ending of relationships
And if you tell me that you completely disagree with me, and you have many examples when one partner, after a series of quarrels, nevertheless really successfully adjusted his partner to himself, I will answer like this: “Do not rush to such conclusions! Trust the experience of a practical psychologist:
The overwhelming number of those who reworked and whom were reworked, sooner or later, but still GUARANTEED enter
during such fatal quarrels, which often end in divorce and
goodbyes
So, do not rejoice ahead of time that someone or yourself has succeeded in re-educating a loved one! It is possible that in a couple of years your relationship will be in crisis for the very reason that you were so proud of before - because of this notorious re-education! It is sad, but my holy duty is to warn you about this …
And in this sense, ending the conversation, I will tell you the following: I often heard tears of simple human misunderstanding of a strange, from a philistine point of view, a situation: “Why did he (a) do this to me? After all, we almost got used to it, almost did not quarrel over trifles, did not swear … Well, tell me, why? Ooh-ooh … . And it would seem, really, what is the matter? It seems that the partner has already begun to change, almost got used to it, and then suddenly a love triangle arose and he (s) on the run from you. But in fact, in fact, everything is elementary: you simply twitched him by constantly poking his nose into those very own shortcomings, which in fact, most of us still consider to be a continuation of our merits. (Don't you think the same way about yourself?) Try to understand:
Your victory can be a severe psychological shock and defeat for your partner
After all, the stick has two ends. Ask yourself: Didn't you know that? And behaves almost "used", but, in fact, morally humiliated and twitched person, respectively.
Your unobtrusive "re-education" can be perceived by him as a severe psychological torture. An executioner, even if he is a loved one, is still an executioner …
As a result of such a "re-education", when your loved one begins to fear you more than anyone else in the world, and your name and negative psychological feelings become synonymous words for him (her), a tragedy is guaranteed to happen. Which I call the "reeducation conflict."
At the first opportunity, a person who is almost ready for life together (in your opinion!) Suddenly "gets on skis" and leaves you … Leaving, among other things, a repentantly offended letter, where one of the points will be banal: "I know that you love me and I love you. But, I cannot live like this. During all this time, you did not understand me (a) and did not appreciate (a). Therefore, I go to the one who will accept me as I am … Sorry for everything and goodbye … I kiss you tightly … Your beloved elephant …"
"Not appreciated!" - a terrible, but unfortunately very common variant of conflicts in the family
You are probably well aware of this "in theory". But, for some reason, you don't try it on yourself. You just may not guess that everything can start with attempts to correct minor defects, and then reach almost to psychological sadism and systematic torture of a loved one, in principle. Whom you, in fact, loved and love. But, alas, such a “strange love”, from which this person, one day, can become really bad … So bad that from the accumulated small, but such constant, humiliations, this person, who in fact also loves you very much, is resolved interrupt the continuous chain of torment (which you do not even realize as torment) and leave this "jail of sorrow." Remember: Malvina, whom we have already mentioned, had a great house. She herself was also nothing … But, for some reason, Pinocchio did not take root there … Think about all this!
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