2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Mom said that at 11 months old I recognized geometric shapes on a poster near my crib. How she guessed that I distinguish a trapezoid from a parallelogram - I do not know. But tenderness and pride lit her face
To be honest, with age, I only worsened all the time. And all the time I could not boast of such brilliant results. Although the parents tried, they developed as best they could. I know the story that a year I wrote my father's thesis. He spread his formulas on the floor, and I crawled over them and absorbed higher mathematics. Figure skating, sambo, woo shu, karate, swimming, water polo, ballroom dancing, Olympiads, English school, mathematical school, guitar, flute, children's theater … I heard stories about myself through the prism of parental reactions. There was little about me, and a lot about them. If I succeeded in something well, then "well, of course, what other child could grow up with such smart parents!" Well, if you screwed up, then it is clear that this is something personally mine, alien to the family. And it must be etched away. Modify with a file.
How is it that a child acts as the hero of a computer toy, which needs to be infinitely "pumped", sent to different tasks for verification? Imagine a young family. Enthusiastic, ambitious. Builders of a bright future. He is a young graduate student. Or a budding scientist. Or a brilliant young leader. She is beautiful, with a higher education, looks ahead with optimism.
And so happiness happens in their family - a new child. As a rule, the first one gets the most. Everyone is touched and … making plans for him. But what: they also imagine their life as a series of achievements. And the kid should. Dad continues to shine at work, and mom is locked at home with the baby. Her ambition, which during pregnancy was focused on the noble purpose of birth, is revived. And at home: feed-take a walk-play-put-clean-cook (repeat every day until you are completely exhausted). Willy-nilly, the child becomes a point of application of strength. Like clay under the hands of an enthusiastic sculptor, it is subjected to massive influences. To quickly. To be earlier than others. To be 2.5 years old on YouTube in the "geeks" section. I am frightened by these "miracle children" who, at the age of 5, sing, dance, solve equations, compose poems at the adult level. They have such a focused gaze. There is no place for stupidity, pranks, doubt … An ideal child, a source of pride. Gilded Cup "For the first place in the competition for the title of the best parent."
The slogan in such a family: "There is no word" I can not ", there is a word" must! " … And if you sometimes do not want to apply it to yourself, then there is a huge temptation to apply it to others always. In youth, there is a lot of strength and it seems that you can cope with everything, you just have to strain a little more and force yourself …
There is another option: the parents are no longer young, they consciously approached the birth of a child. They are formed personalities, he is a scientist, she is a doctor. And the long-awaited child is very gently, culturally, politely made it clear that he has no chance to be different. Don't live up to expectations. Go your own way. A reproachful shake of the head, anxious folds on the forehead, sad silence - this is how these intelligent people are brought up. This is terrible - grown-up children cannot really present anything. Neither explain nor get angry is normal - it seems like there is nothing. It's just that "no options" hangs in the air. One client, when asked to “draw some garbage,” thought for 10 seconds, and then drew a diagram of the articulation of bones with cartilage. She is a hereditary biologist.
Both of these situations are united by the fact that parents seem to understand everything about the child. He looks like a third leg to them, young and healthy. Are you asking your leg where is it going to go today? What are her plans for life?
Among smart psychologists there is a term - "narcissistic expansion" of parents. A child is like an appendage, like a racehorse, which should bring the coveted cup to parents. The stakes are great. That is why separation is so painful in such families. At some point, parents are forced to admit that the child is not an extra leg. And he has his own separate life. And they will not see the cup.
Adults who were brought up in such families often have very poor memories of their childhood. I remember myself from about 10 years old, someone from school, but there was a case - the girl remembered herself only from adolescence. And what they remember looks like a summary of historical facts: he was born, took the first step, learned to read, went to school … Nobody was interested in what the child felt, so he himself is not interested in himself. Only recognizes measurable results, performance and other KPIs. They are the winning heroes. The more strong and strong-willed a person is, the more he drives himself with an iron hand into despair and exhaustion. As in folk wisdom: "The steeper the jeep, the farther to run after the tractor." In working with such people, I am amazed at how much has been done, and how low it is appreciated by him. It is required to "unfreeze" very gently and carefully, rehabilitate, and sometimes teach to feel. Often the process is lengthy, and the trouble is that they are used to demanding quick and clear results for their money, to push themselves, to push the therapist …
And you need exactly the opposite: slowly and carefully learn to just live your life that you enjoy.
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