2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Human relationships can be a source of pleasure. I think everyone has heard about couples living in perfect harmony for 20, 40, 60 years, and never ceasing to love each other. Or about parental love that has gone through all the transitional periods of her son or daughter. And what about those who are wrong?
The article will focus on those people who experience discomfort or suffering in a relationship with another. Those who feel misunderstood, humiliated, intimidated, rejected and controlled. Those whose partners, relatives or children put them into a state of distress. These are situations when a person decided to help a therapist, and his loved one refuses her.
`` How can I behave with him / her ''? '' Why did he say that? '' Actually, everything is fine with me, he needs to be treated! These and similar phrases have always sounded and will sound in the offices of psychotherapists. People who say this feel powerless and angry. The one they love (everyone does it in their own way, as best they can) do not want to change, do not want to satisfy their emotional needs. It is our natural tendency to get satisfaction in a relationship with a person. The question is, does the other agree to this, and can he, in principle, give us what we expect from him?
So after all, can the other change as a result of your therapy? Based on my own practical and client experience - yes, it can. True, this does not happen as expected. Other people don't really change. However, their attitude towards the person undergoing therapy may change. For example, a client can develop a capacity for mature self-esteem and now rely much less on “nourishment” and approval from a spouse. Will it change the relationship - yes, definitely. Will this change his partner - yes, simply because the spouse is now less in need of endless discouragements about his own inferiority and worthlessness. But it can be so pleasant to dissuade and be a good parent for another …
The paradox is that in order to change the other, you must at some point give up the desire to influence him. This idea evokes a lot of resistance, anger and denial, especially in the post-Soviet space. "After all, then I will become an egoist / bad parent / unfaithful wife.", values and views. About accepting oneself and another without collapsing. About being content with the fact that our possibilities to influence our neighbor are very limited. And this is normal.
People grow (at least from a certain age) not thanks to someone, but next to him. The formation of a different way of living does not require directives received from the outside, and not manipulations, but a lively interest and understanding. And of course, understanding yourself and taking care of yourself.
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