2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There are kind parents who raise their children to be good ones. Obedient. Kind. Polite. Lovely.
They do everything to ensure that the child gets good grades. So that he always has a clean notebook, all homework is completed and in general everything is good and correct. So that you are not ashamed in front of people.
The idea that something may not be done, that something can be hammered, fake, is simply not allowed. Everything should be good, on time and right. The fact that you need to protect yourself in the event of conflicts and unpleasant situations is the same. There is simply no such thing. In the picture of the world that is created for the child.
And I'm not talking about perfectionists here, who just dabble in making everything in the world perfect. There are such people, they have such a strategy - and this strategy has both pros and cons (as in any other strategy). Here about something else.
It is hammered into the child's head in all sorts of ways that if you are good, then everything will be fine. Or something like that - maybe, in other words, but the essence is something like this.
Parents seem to do this with good intentions. Raising a comfortable child. For myself. The question is whether these intentions are good for the child. In relation to parents, yes - a calm, problem-free child. Other people (society) are also not bad afterwards - an ideal subordinate, a golden reliable friend who does not know how to defend his interests. The beauty.
Back to the child. Until some time, this perception of reality works well. At least while the child is in the sphere of influence of the parents. The child even has a lot of secondary benefits from such behavior: the absence of conflicts, the teachers love obedient children, etc.
But! Then the child goes into adulthood. And it turns out that the strategy works only half, if not less. And that this behavior strategy has more disadvantages than benefits.
That they carry water to the kind and obedient at work, and no one is in a hurry to raise wages. That sometimes you need to prove your case, but how - it is not clear. That even the most attentive and disciplined screw up at times - and very stupidly. And you need to somehow get out. Protect yourself. Save face. And that with some people you need to speak harshly and in a raised voice - because otherwise they do not understand. But as?
And it is not clear how. Well, there is no such person in the picture of the world. He, in principle, sees that others are able to scandal. That colleagues can defend their point of view at the meeting (even if they are not always right). That people know how to get out of conflicts - winners. And he doesn't know how to do it.
Of course, an adult can change his strategies of thinking and behavior. That's why he is an adult. Now it is his responsibility. But for this you often need to understand very unpleasant things about yourself and your parents. And in such a way as not to fall into the endless accusations of parents - there will still be no sense from this. The parents did this because they seemed to be wishing the child well (true, “good”, in their understanding, but there’s nothing you can do about it).
It is possible to develop new strategies of behavior and thinking - we live in such a fertile time when there are all the possibilities for this. It's just that here a person already chooses one of three options: 1) close his eyes to this and continue to live in the mental prison that his parents created for him; 2) start to resent and blame parents (by the way, a very exciting activity, it can drag on); 3) work on yourself (which is not always pleasant, but effective).
Any wall can be bypassed or broken - that's how it goes.
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