To The Limit Or How Not To Turn Motherhood Into A Nightmare

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Now there are a lot of all kinds of consultants and articles telling young parents about natural parenting, constant contact with a child, compulsory joint sleep, breastfeeding according to the principle "always and as long as possible", constant wearing in a sling, etc.

I have nothing against. Moreover, I am even glad that so much attention has begun to be paid to breastfeeding and contact with the baby. I am glad that there are consultants who are always ready to help. Probably, I myself am to some extent the same consultant.

But! I am totally against NOT taking into account the individual situation in the family.

First (and this is important!) The family is not organized around the child, but the child appears in an existing family.

The family is a kind of system where each person plays his own special role, has his own needs and interests, and satisfies or in any way contributes to the satisfaction of the needs or interests of other members of the family system. A family where everyone is good is a balanced system. SHE is in balance. Any change upsets the balance. And then rebalancing is required.

The appearance of a new family member - a child - always leads to a change in the system. That is, the child is embedded in an already existing system: there is a redistribution of roles, responsibilities, new roles, interests, responsibilities, etc. appear. At the same time, the interests and needs of other family members that existed in this system earlier (husband, wife, older children) do not disappear anywhere. They may change a little, but they remain. They still have to be satisfied.

I emphasize once again: the newborn is gradually integrated into the already existing system. Rather, parents smoothly integrate the baby into their family system, allocating a place for him (physical and emotional), endowing him with certain rights and powers (sorry, it's so official), tying and strengthening ties between the newly appeared child and other family members (mother, dad, older brothers, sisters, grandparents).

Why am I talking in such detail about the family as a system? But because any recommendations for caring for a child and a relationship with him, which a young mother takes on board, should be applied taking into account the individual characteristics of her particular family system. It is then that they help to smoothly rebalance the family, and establish a new balance - after all, it is precisely this that is the guarantee of peace and happiness.

That is, for example, if you read an article about how important it is to practice joint sleep with a child until n … th number of years, and your spouse is against it, since he needs not only the mother of his child, but also a wife in bed, then less from evils it will not be "to drive the husband out of bed and out of life", but to exclude a joint dream or find some important compromise. Because it is unlikely that your joint sleep with your child will be able to compensate him for the absence of a father in his life.

If everyone tells you that you need to breastfeed as long as possible, at least up to three years, and you need to go to work when the child is one year old, because you simply have nothing to live on, then it's time to remember that after a year the child is quite capable dispenses with breast milk, and emotional contact can be provided in many other ways associated with communication. This means that there is no point in tormenting yourself with remorse, winding yourself up, tearing yourself apart, crying and thereby bringing tension into the life of your child and other loved ones. You just need to build a new algorithm for your interaction with your beloved child and go to work.

In other words, any, even the most "correct" recommendation can turn into a nightmare for you if you do not take into account the individual characteristics of a) your child; b) yourself as a person; c) your family; d) their specific life situation.

Loyalty and the ability to find compromises are the key to peace and happiness in your home.

Second. If a mother is at the limit of her physical and emotional strength and is close to a nervous breakdown or exhaustion, this will always affect the condition or behavior of the child.

“What are you complaining about? Not sleeping for two or three years because of night feeds is nonsense! But the child is good!"

“It's okay that my back hurts. Be patient! Babywearing is very important for a child!"

“You never know what you want! Now you have to live for the child, the main thing is that it is good for him!"

"I endured and you endure!"

So - mothers, happiness does not look like this. Sacrifice is good when you enjoy it. And when you quietly hate your one-year-old child for not letting you go for a minute, and are ready to use earplugs so as not to hear him screaming, this is already a neurosis.

For your information: in the first three months after childbirth, most mothers experience a certain emotional crisis and it is considered a variant of the norm. This is the period of adaptation and rebalancing of the system. The crisis manifests itself with such symptoms as: depressed mood, increased anxiety, severe fatigue, irritability. If after three months the symptoms do not decrease or even intensify, this is already the development of a neurotic state, and in severe cases, depression. According to the studies of Western colleagues, the peak of mother's neurotization falls on the period 9-15 months after the birth of the child. In my opinion, this is due to two main factors:

1) Cumulative effect. Physical and mental fatigue accumulated during this period leads to nervous exhaustion and health problems.

2) Conflict of separation.

If everything is more or less clear with the first factor, then I would like to say more about the second one.

The first steps of the child (9-12 months) are an important signal that the process of separation (separation of the child from the mother) is entering an active phase. That is, the interests of the child are increasingly directed towards the world around them. He steps forward and now it is not so much physical contact as emotional contact with his mother that is important for him. The quality of the time spent together comes first, not the quantity. Communication (talking, encouraging, emotional support, trust, faith in his strength and capabilities) now plays a greater role than physical contact (carrying in his arms, holding his hand, sleeping together all night, etc.).

Attention! I am not saying that all this should be abruptly eliminated! I'm talking about the fact that a child now needs a different format of interaction for development to a greater extent, and physical contact is gradually (this is important!) Reduced to a minimum and remains for critical situations (feeling unwell, bad mood, fatigue).

The child is driven by the developmental instinct - one of the strongest instincts. And the mother has not rebuilt yet, she still cannot “let go” of her baby. Moreover, many modern methods of upbringing also do not take into account the fact of a child's growth. For example, regular wearing in a sling or in a kangaroo throughout the day is relevant in the first months after birth, but is completely irrelevant for a child after 7 months. Sleeping together all night (not to be confused with falling asleep together) after a year can also become irrelevant and interfere with both the mother and the child himself.

That is, a conflict arises between the real needs of the child and the actions of the mother, who is entangled in advice, recommendations and her own feelings.

The mother's neurotic states and, moreover, postpartum depression, unfortunately, contribute to the neurotization of the child. This is manifested primarily in behavioral reactions. Fortunately, at this age they lend themselves well to correction, but if left unattended, they can worsen and lead to serious conflicts between mother and child, especially during a crisis of three years and later.

What to do?

First of all, believe in yourself and your child. And this is the same as TRUST, Dear mothers, your inner maternal feeling is often much more important and truer than the most authoritative advice. It is this that is the very inner core that helps to maintain balance even in the most difficult situations.

And if you feel that you cannot cope, that your emotional state is at the limit and you cannot understand the situation, do not be afraid to seek help from a perinatal psychologist. Just a few consultations can bring peace and tranquility back to your family.