Family As Home

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We all appeared and grew up from a family, these families are often very different, but at the same time they are similar. Families are created in order to have a loved one in this vast world, with whom it is warm and cozy, to share with him the warmth that you have and to feel the warmth from him, to give birth to children together and transfer our warmth and care to them. Almost everyone dreams of this, but sometimes life goes on different paths.

Let's do a little experiment and feel how we imagine a family now, when we already have a certain life experience behind us. You can just close your eyes and feel what images we have when we hear the word "family". Here are examples of the answers that my colleagues gave: warmth, comfort, cohesion, protection, home, harmony, order of the world, responsibility, tolerance, conflict - compromise, closeness, status, struggle, support, feat, mutual understanding, children, memory of generations. Here are marked different moments in the life of the family and the experiences that are born in it, because you and I know that not everything goes smoothly. There is also struggle in the family, conflicts that do not give rise to warm feelings, but often lead to the disintegration of the family.

From the experience of a psychologist, I can say that it is children who are most sensitive to what is happening in the family. They grow up here, this is their world, in which they receive protection and nourishment. And for them, it is not nutrition with food that is of greater importance, but nutrition with care, warm emotions, attention, love. They are the first, often with their behavior, which for adults may seem wrong, incomprehensible, uncomfortable, report that something is wrong in the family. After all, adults are often afraid to admit that their relationship has changed, that disorder has appeared, they "run away" into the world of worries, into work, into other relationships. And the child has nowhere to run, just vital oxygen - love suddenly became less, and by all available methods the child begins to seek attention, even if negative, but not to be forgotten.

I remember when I first saw Sasha, a boy of about 7 years old, I could not believe my eyes. I completely got the impression that he does not grow up in a family, but rather in an orphanage. And it had nothing to do with the way he was dressed - quite a decent sweater, jeans, dressed like most boys of his age. He gave the impression of a beast from the forest, which had to survive on its own, look for food and settle for the night. His mom and dad brought him in. They complained that the child has become uncontrollable, refuses to do what is asked of him or does the opposite, can play with a threat to his own health, throw a can of paint from the balcony, does not fulfill his duties, does not clean up the room after himself - in general, behaves like any boy at this age. In general, the problem is quite common, especially considering that Sasha recently had a little sister, but she really wanted to help Sasha - to help her reach her parents. After all, all of Sasha's behavior was rather a message for the parents, which they did not want in any way, or, most likely, they still did not fully understand what it was about. That is why they went to a psychologist.

At the next meeting, we worked together with Sasha together - after all, the psychologist also first needs to hear what the child is talking about. It turned out that Sasha looks at all the events in life through "dark glasses", but I did not make a reservation, not through the pink ones, but through the dark ones. That is why everything that happens makes him sad and anxious, but no one can stand it for long, especially a little boy. And we began to work with Sasha to take off these "dark" glasses, in order to remember again what color the sky really is, the grass, the friends around, mom and dad, his little sister, whose appearance Sasha didn’t seem to want to notice.

In this case, we certainly need a mother. I will tell you a secret that no psychologist can replace a mother, no matter how brilliant he is, he will not become a mother. But it so happened that Sasha's mother, with her daily worries, began to forget to look at him with kind eyes. Describing her child, she talked more about his negative qualities, what he does not know how, what he cannot, how he does not obey, etc. This is how almost all of us behave. And after a while our children become just that. And my mother and I began to slowly remember that Sasha had good food. Sasha's mother even started a diary to write down his good qualities and behavior. It turned out that there is so much of it! On assignment, Sasha's mother began to read him a special lullaby, often hug him and say pleasant words to Sasha, sometimes just put him on his knees, as they do with very young children. She also helped Sasha see positive, funny events in his ordinary life, mark them and remember them.

Of course, we still need a dad, because it can be so bad without a dad. And Sasha's dad began to read him a book for the night, they went to the museum of military equipment - after all, they are boys and they have something to talk about. I remember how at the next lesson Sasha with burning eyes told how he and his dad went to the museum and what they saw there.

And you know what, after a while Sasha's drawings changed - bright colors appeared in them instead of dark and scary ones, Sasha's behavior became calmer. At home, he had his own little place for games, where he was the master. He no longer had to disobey his dad and mom - they already paid attention to him. He began to help them take care of his sister, and she appeared in his drawings.

It was a job that brought both of us - me and Sasha - pleasure and joy, since together we managed to convey the necessary message to our parents, and they were able to find the strength to hear it and change something in their lives. They remembered how good it is to live in a friendly and warm family, when you share the good that you have, and in return share with you and this makes you even more joyful.

The family is a living organism that is constantly growing and changing, and this development does not always go smoothly and as it is convenient for us. In this situation, any family needs to be patient and attentive to each other, a desire to help and jointly overcome the difficulties that arise.

It is known that each family goes through certain stages in its development. Some of these stages are of a crisis nature, that is, changes in the structure of relationships must occur in the family, individual rules and responsibilities in relation to each other must change, and not every family member is ready for such changes, not everyone can accept them easily, from this and the severity of the crisis depends.

Psychologists distinguish the following phases of the family life cycle, within which the family solves certain problems:

Stage 1: a married couple without children. The main tasks at this stage will be the formation of a marriage relationship that satisfies both spouses; settlement of issues related to pregnancy and the desire to become parents; entry into the circle of relatives of both of the spouses.

Spouses must adapt to each other, and understand which traditions of parental families they want to preserve and which they want to re-create.

Stage 2: the appearance of children in the family (lasts approximately until the child reaches 2, 5 years old). Here, the tasks of adapting to the situation of the birth of a child appear, taking care of the correct development of the infant; organizing family life that satisfies both parents and children.

The birth of a child often leads to a cooling of relations between spouses, there is less time for each other. Accumulating fatigue can interfere with the achievement of agreement in the relationship of spouses, in matters of upbringing. Mutual support and patience are needed here more than ever.

Stage 3: a family with preschoolers. Stage objectives: adaptation to the basic needs and inclinations of children, taking into account the need for assistance in their development; overcoming the difficulties associated with fatigue and lack of personal space.

Stage 4: families with children - younger students (children from 6 to 13 years old). Stage objectives: joining families with school-age children, changing role interaction with the child; encouraging children to succeed in school.

Stage 5: families with teenagers. This stage often coincides with a midlife crisis in parents and a teenage crisis in children. The main tasks of this stage are to establish a balance in the family between freedom and responsibility; creating a circle of interests for the spouses that are not related to parental responsibilities, and solving career problems. The family is faced with the need to learn how to constructively resolve conflicts between parents and adolescent children. Success awaits the family if it encourages the independence of the teenager, but objects to permissiveness.

There are many factors that prevent the family from understanding the problems of the teenager (unsuccessful marriage of parents and their attempts to find a loved one outside the family, too much employment at work, the need to take care of elderly or sick relatives, etc.). in all these cases, the adolescent feels that he is not interested, is not trusted, he is judged - and becomes lonely, depressed and hostile.

Stage 6: the departure of young people from the family. Stage objectives: restructuring of marital relations; maintaining a spirit of support as the foundation of the family.

When children leave, the physical and emotional characteristics of the family change. The abandonment of parenting roles sometimes gives spouses a sense of liberation, the opportunity to fulfill their cherished desires and realize their hidden potential. However, in other cases, it can destroy the family, lead to a sense of loss by the parents.

Stage 7: aging of family members (until the death of both spouses). Objectives: adaptation to retirement; solving the problems of bereavement and lonely life; preservation of family ties and adaptation to old age.

During the transition from one life stage to another, crises occur in the family, since at these moments the family has new needs, and the old ways of achieving these needs are no longer suitable, and the family needs to be rebuilt.

In addition, our behavior in the family is influenced by the experience that we have taken from our parental families, how our parents communicated with each other, how they built their interaction with us, how they resolved conflicts or expressed their negative emotions. Sometimes you can hear such phrases: "I will never punish my children, as they did with me!" It's just that in our life we can use only what we have learned before, and the very first lessons we get in the parental family. Only special awareness, self-observation and conscious change in our behavior can form a new style of interaction with the people around us.

In addition, seeking qualified psychological help will help in overcoming and resolving crisis situations in the family, will provide an opportunity for further growth and development of the family as a harmonious organism.

The mother of a large family came to the Psychological Center for consultation, worried about the condition of her young children. In total, the family has three children, the eldest child is a young man of 18 years old from Irina's first marriage, the second girl is 10 years old and the third boy is 6 years old, there is also a husband about whom Irina speaks casually, without pinning high hopes and thinking that he has not been children for a long time interested in, but only engaged in work. Irina complains that the girl has become very shy, uncommunicative, speaks in a whisper, the younger boy is also reserved, does not communicate with either children or adults, is very touchy, can hardly participate in the general game, while she almost does not hear other children, so the games are not it turns out that he is only interested in railways and can only talk about them. The young man Peter, according to his mother, generally "got out of hand", he had a girlfriend, he participates in the general events of the family without much interest, and more often lies on the couch or plays on the computer. Her husband has not evoked warm feelings in her for a long time, but this suits her.

We agree on the next meeting, which should be attended by all family members, because everyone in the family can have their own idea of what is happening with them and what does not suit who.

Almost everyone except Peter came to our meeting (two psychologists worked with the family). The girl Julia really speaks very quietly and you need to constantly listen, but of all those present, she makes the most favorable impression, you feel warmth and readiness for support from her. She hugs her dad and sits next to her younger brother Seryozha, taking care of him. Serezha looks at everything from under his forehead, frightened by what is happening, is silent on any question, and almost cries, he is not yet very interested in sitting here and it is not clear what they want from him. Dad is big and very stable, he knows a lot about children, and does not even quite understand why his wife wants them to go to psychologists. Mom Ira this time behaves very quietly, is almost silent and takes a wait-and-see attitude.

The work proceeds in such a way that during the first few meetings, psychologists try to hear how everyone sees their family and the problems that exist in it. After all, before starting any work, we need to understand what the family wants, to achieve what goals we will all move together, so that the family has a single route of movement, and it does not work out like in the fable about fish, cancer and pike.

In the course of our meetings, it became clear that the younger children receive almost no emotional warmth from their parents, and Yulia takes care of Serezha and transfers some of her warmth to him when he runs to her in the morning to sit and chat. Julia is sometimes supported by her dad, who is usually very busy at work, but sometimes devotes time to them, although her mother does not believe in it and does not notice. Peter is already an adult and, of course, is torn from the family, but his mother is still trying to control him, hoping to receive support and communication from her son, which she does not seek from her husband. So the whole family went in different directions.

But what is most interesting, when all of us together with the family were able to see what was happening, it turned out that no one was yet ready to change anything and invest in work. Suddenly summer helped (as sometimes happens in the work of a psychologist - sometimes the world around you helps), because the children have a vacation! Mom and her younger children went to rest, and the men were given the task of taking care of the family. I look forward to their return from vacation and hope that summer will add warmth and joy to their relationship.

That is, this story has no ending yet, but I would like it to be bright and joyful.

We often imagine an ideal family and forget that love is a work that requires a lot of patience and understanding in relation to another, the ability to take into account the feelings of the other and compromise, love is often a feat that future spouses take upon themselves when creating a family.

Your Natalia Fried