2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-15 16:05
In the process of working on themselves, many people realize that they are in a codependent relationship, from which it is difficult for them to get out and which have long become toxic for both partners. But for some reason, as if some kind of fetters keep the two partners close. They are in a dead link trying to remake each other, cripple each other's destinies, but there is no strength to leave. The fear of loneliness and the pain of loss turn out to be much stronger than the suffering of two in a dead-end relationship, where both understand that there is no chance of development and for many years both walk like circus horses in a circle. But they cannot break off relations. Those who were abandoned or those who nevertheless risked experiencing mental anguish stepped into the abyss of loneliness, fall into a black strip of depression. Life after parting with a loved one stops for them. And this pain is equal to physical pain when it seems that with leaving the partner has cut off part of an arm or leg or cut his heart.
These are all signs of codependent behavior, which many psychologists have already written about. This phenomenon is described in a rather voluminous and colorful way. But nowhere are there any specific recommendations on what to do for a person already in a state of crisis and the feeling that there is no support under his feet. Yes, psychotherapy is the first thing that can help you in such a situation. But if, for example, you do not have the opportunity to go to a psychologist at the moment and you really need help, then I will tell you several ways of emergency self-help that will ease your condition at first. But the root of the problem of codependency, I still advise you to work it out in the process of going through personal psychotherapy.
With co-dependent behavior in a person, all supports are external. There is not a single support inside the person himself. They are not built for him, since there is no experience of basic love. There is no stable internal maternal object and therefore all maternal functions are attributed to the partner. And when the partner leaves, it seems like a black hole or void gapes inside, which is described by many clients who find themselves in a psychologist's office after losing a relationship. And then the codependent person tries to fill this black hole or emptiness with anything external, but not himself. Here comes the entrance of cigarettes, food, alcohol, drugs, sex or a new and again a new object of love.. As a matter of fact, this person is not inside this person, there must always be someone else: first, a mother, then a loved one, husband, wife, child.. When an emptiness is found inside, the codependent tries to fill it urgently with external pleasures, to rely on something or someone from the outside. But this does not lead to relief, since everything external, once disappears and a person is again left alone in the empty house of his soul, experiencing pain and longing of loneliness.
The first thing I ask you to pay attention to is building up internal supports. This is something that will always be with you, as your resource.
What resources do you have? The first is your body. Therefore, in this "bad state" you remember your body and just like a mantra repeat:
“I have a lot of resources to support myself now. I have legs to walk and stand, I have hands to take whatever I like, I have mouth and teeth to chew food and feed myself. I have a spine to hold my body. I have lungs to breathe in and out. I have a head on my shoulders to think and make informed decisions. I rely here and now on my body. At the same time, while reciting the mantra, you focus your attention on those parts of the body that you name.
Then, to feel the inner support, you do the following exercises, focusing only on what you are doing. If you are sitting, feel support on the buttocks, lean on them, feel how reliable this support is.
If you are standing or walking, then shift the focus of attention to your feet. Observe what the sensations are in them. How the toes move when walking.
- For several minutes, walk first on a full foot, then on toes, on the heels, then on the inside of the foot and on the outside. Observe the sensations in your feet.
- Do several cycles of mindfulness breathing. Place your hand on your chest, fix your palm so that you feel that you are breathing only with your stomach, and your chest remains motionless. And then synchronize your breath with the counting. The inhalation should be shorter and the exhalation should be longer than the inhalation. First, breathe one-two-three- Inhale and one-two-three- Exhale and so on for several cycles. Then increase the count as you exhale: one-two-three- Inhale and one-two-three-four- Exhale. Breathe in several cycles and then: ra-two-three-Inhale and one-two-three-four-five-Exhale.. Then, in the reverse order, return to even breathing. Breathe in every time you are covered with bad thoughts, panic, fear of loneliness and longing, despair.
- Go to the shower and watch the water - how it is … warm or hot, change the temperature and observe the sensations on the surface of your skin.
If you feel that the inside is still empty, then play this game … Imagine that you were so attached to your person that you gave your heart to him and now he has two hearts, but you have none, and an emptiness has formed inside you. Introduce this person and take your heart away from him. Reach out and forcefully take your heart away from the other. Imagine that he does not give it to you, resists, and you forcefully take your heart from him with the words: “Give me my heart. It's mine. I need it to continue living and building relationships with other people. " Or: “I'm taking my heart from you. It's mine. I give it back to myself. " Select it with force several times. And gently carry it in your palms and place it in your chest where it belongs. Do this exercise every day for a week or two or more.
For girls and women, I recommend buying a palm-sized soft toy from the store and not parting with it … if you go to work, take it with you in your purse. When you come home, take it out and take care of it, as if it were you little under the age of 3 years. This toy will act as your inner child. And you are his mother, who will grow up and take care of a small child. Give the toy the name you were given as a child. I don't think this technique is suitable for men, but if someone likes it, why not take it into service. After all, each of us has an inner child who wants love and warmth. And when you find yourself alone, it is your inner child who suffers, and this technique will help you to build up the ability to be yourself and a dad and mom
Search the Internet for some completely new interesting courses, find unusual hobbies that you have never done before. Fill this void with your interests, with what is important and interesting to you
Feed yourself the tastiest foods. Choose them in the store for a long time. Stand at each counter and look at the product. Feel how your body responds to the sight of this product
Surround yourself with care and love in everything you touch in your life. Take care of yourself as if you were caring for an orphan who was thrown on your doorstep. Imagine that this orphan is you and you are the only one who can help him
Even through the pain. Find something small every day that you can enjoy. It can even be the smile of a passer-by, the rays of the morning sun, the aroma of a cup of coffee
If possible, travel more
In general, you are faced with a very difficult task amid the pain of loss to find yourself and within yourself your own resources and support. I use all these techniques in my work with clients, because they have been tested in my personal experience of building self-support and finding inner supports.
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