2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
What do you think when you hear the expression "test tube baby"? These words make me wonder at heart. The fact is that my mother is an organic chemist by profession, for a long time she worked as the head of the laboratory. Glass flasks and preparations seemed to me mystical objects of the wizarding world. Their magic fascinated. Once my grandmother was unable to take me out of town on vacation. And I went to work with my mother for two whole months! These were some of the happiest months of my life …
Now you understand how I feel when they say "test-tube baby": happiness from my mother's laboratory and the joy of a protected childhood.
Once I received a call from a very respected client, a professor at Moscow State University, a historian, whose lectures were so famous that she read them in English. Natalya Vladimirovna made a request:
- Nana Romanovna, my friend has a very difficult child. You know … "from a test tube." There were no children for twenty years, and finally Vanka appeared. She's one of those crazy mothers. The child has serious problems, they want to put him on drugs and transfer to home education. Finance is not a question: Anya is the director of a car dealership, her husband has a network of furniture stores. And it's not about the school, it will be necessary, they will pick it up. The problem is what to do with the child … Can they come to you?
At the appointed hour, a couple came into my office: Anna Mikhailovna and seven-year-old Vanya. Vanyatka. Vanyusha. Vanka. Until that moment, I did not know that a client can be loved at first sight. An absolutely fantastic boy. In the figurative expression of my father: "You can remove it in a cartoon without makeup." Blue-eyed blond, with huge fluffy eyelashes, with dimples on the cheeks. And at the same time - the most perfect detachment!
How dramatic and theatrical he entered the room! There was so much sorrow in his gaze that I could hardly restrain a smile. A natural question for all children at the reception:
- Wan, do you know why you came here?
- Not a fool! It doesn't work at school - they said that I was a moron. Did he come to you to find out - just a moron or also a nutcase?
Vanya's mother looked gorgeous - a gorgeous, self-confident woman. At the same time, she behaved perfectly for the client with the child: she obediently listened to my instructions that she should sit quietly and not interfere, and did not comment on anything.
Vanya continued:
-Imagine, I already have a WEEK, the whole week I go to the doctors! Even the brains were photographed! And yet … other doctors (here Vanya looked expressively at the groin) … they touched me there. Stripped to the balls! Perverts!
I am very seriously interested in:
- Wan, are you all right there? Yes, and if in a robe, then definitely not perverts.
The boy, shrugging his shoulders, turns to his mother:
- Mom, is everything all right there?
Mom nods.
I say to Vanya:
- So, thank God, we decided on the genitals …
- What?
- Wan, don't say eggs. Better to say - "genitals".
- Are you swearing like that?
- No, this is a normal word.
- Can I pronounce it instead of "p …"?
- Quite. And instead of the word with the letter "x".
- Write on a piece of paper, otherwise I'll forget!
- Wan, I think you're not a moron. But now let's take a closer look …
Tests have shown that the child has well developed all functions related to memory, attention, thinking. Then I looked into the notebooks that Vanina brought with me: his handwriting, of course, was terrifying. He gave out neurological symptoms - albeit quite manageable.
Vanya asks:
- Well, what is there? Will you give me a piece of paper?
- Wan, what piece of paper?
- A piece of paper on which I can sit at home.
- Do you want to be crazy, Wan?
- Sure! They gave Dimona there! Now he has not a life, but a fairy tale!
("Dimon" he called the son of the very friend who recommended me to Vanya's mother).
Mom looks at me intently. I say:
- Ivan, taking into account the solemnity of the moment, you and I need to get up. Because I have a special announcement for you.
The boy calmed down a little and obediently stood up.
I continue:
- Do not even hope! You are healthy!
You should have seen mom's eyes …
But Vanya continues to insist:
- But I'm nutty! Well, what should you give a piece of paper? You're a psychiatrist, aren't you ?!
I begin to explain to him:
- Wan, you just drew a house. Those people whose roof has been blown off need a psychiatrist. Whoever has a roof leaking is a psychotherapist.
- What have I got?
- You have cockroaches, Wan. And it flows slightly … I am a psychologist.
- Will the pills help?
- "Wheels" - not an option, from them cockroaches get drunk and stagger around the house. Especially a lot in the bedroom - during sleep. And in the kitchen we don't need drunk cockroaches, they will get into everything we eat. And if they already penetrate into the living room - turn off the light, all your friends will see! So it's better to patch the roof yourself …
- And what to do with cockroaches?
- Good question, Vanya. With cockroaches - make friends and negotiate.
- Why am I behaving like that?
I explain to the boy:
- When cockroaches are lit, people press either on the gas or on the brake. It looks like you don't have a brake. And you and I will deal with this brake …
- Do everyone have cockroaches? Or just me?
- Everyone, Wan!
- And mom's?
Mom from her chair:
- Vanechka, it's full!
- And you?
- Do not count, Wan.
- And why, do not slow down too?
- Vanyatka, you know, I have both pedals. It's just that when my cockroaches are lit, I confuse them. I have to step on the gas, and I step on the brake. And if you need to brake, I step on the gas.
- Fuck! That is, you fight twice as often as me ?!
- Vanya, who said you were a moron ?!
- You know, from your cockroaches I got mad!
- Dear, remember once and for all: my cockroaches are called by the gentle and noble word "nerves", and do not ignite, but play pranks. Do you understand what a gap there is between us ?!
- It looks like you also have them made of iron! I want that too! Maybe I should also become a psychologist?
- Boy, stay out of my business! You are a serious competitor! I am good to you, and you …
- Come on, and you can not ask?
I tell my mother that now she can “unlock” and take part in the conversation. She immediately gives out:
- Vanya, ask your aunt's hand and heart! Vanechka, in these hour and a half I saw you normal for the first time! Van, what are you smart, cute … Vanka, I go nuts from you!
I say to Vanya:
- In order to get together, you really need a dream. Do you have it?
- I want to be Kravchenko !!!
- Kravchenko?
(Mom tells:
- This is his classmate, overgrown, two years older than everyone else and a cut taller.)
Vania:
- He changes women like gloves!
- Wan, if you want to know, you are an interesting man … Consider that I am at your feet.
(Mom "from the back row":
- And I, Wan! And all my secretaries!)
I continue:
- Vanya, you and I will learn this too, don't worry.
- So what? Really with women?
- Don't be stupid, Vanyatka, of course, it's real!
We parted already as close relatives. Vania's mother asked:
-Can I hug and kiss you? This is important to me. I was so jealous of Vanka. I want you to talk to my cockroaches too …
I answer embarrassedly:
- Here's another! What a syrup …
- Oh, my Vanka says so too!
Leaving, already at the door, Vanya asked me:
- Will I come here again?
- Vanya, where are we going from each other! You are mine for life, and your crazy family is my guaranteed pension. I will live to see her, I promise!
- Then let's hug you, or what … Only I kiss wet, nothing?
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