The Four Pillars Of Security In Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I'm comfortable with this person. Often women say this about a man. And if not comfortable? What is it about? Sometimes we don't even understand how this is expressed. Comfort … It is with this word that we often replace the word "safety".

In fact, security is different. There are at least FOUR types of security. Yes, four, and we face this almost every day in a relationship, without even noticing. So, we feel completely safe with a partner only when the needs in all four areas are closed.

Let's start with the main one, physical security.

It refers to basic needs, remember the picture with the Maslov pyramid, aka Maslow. Of course, a basic sense of security is formed in childhood, by parents. But today we speak in an adult way.

What gives us women a sense of security around a man? Our territory. First of all, a home, a place where we feel at ease. Where we can create comfort and raise children.

And we also expect a man to protect us from some kind of external threat, be it an attack or harsh words. Will give the offender in the face, scatter everyone, even if there are several of them. That he will rush in and solve all the problems if you have an accident or you need to be picked up at night after a bachelorette party in a restaurant. In a word, a reliable wall.

But sometimes it happens that it is a man who does not give us a feeling of this security - he insults, humiliates and can even raise his hand. In this case, he is a source of threat and stress.

Why did you choose such a man and why you punish yourself so - this is a question for individual consultation. But this is exactly your choice and your area of responsibility.

Financial security is often a trap for many people. Ideally, a man is a breadwinner and provides for the needs of family members. But how often a woman is ready to endure humiliation, screams, beatings, having mistresses just in order to have access to a man's finances. She is scared to be left without a resource in the form of money or a man's social status. Clinging to a man, a woman buries her talents and abilities, and unrealized energy can go into psychosomatics. In order to get rid of this, you need to work with fears, to understand their cause.

Often, a woman places responsibility for financial security into the hands of a man, becoming dependent. I do not urge you to immediately run to get a job from 9 to 18, I mean not to make your safety dependent on the actions and mood of a man. The rest you can learn in financial literacy courses, since they are there.

But it so happens that the financial need is covered by a wealthy father. In this case, unconscious aggression may arise against the husband, the reason for which is anger - you do not feel safe with your husband. He does not cover this need! Over time, a woman ceases to respect her man, justifying this "feelings have weakened."

The third type of security in relationships - emotional security - speaks of the state when we can be ourselves, inwardly relaxed and open. We expect that we will not be criticized, shamed and "pinned". Will not be ridiculed or disrespected. These are relationships in which we do not need to strive to be perfect and prove something. In contrast, there must be acceptance and support. We will be protected, first of all, emotionally. And, of course, it's about trust in a relationship.

We all expect this from a partner. But do not forget that such manifestations are expected from your side. Don't go overboard when insisting on your truth. Do you take the other's feelings seriously? Are you evaluating or devaluing? After all, this does not always go through words, the body carries no less information. A contemptuous grin, rolling eyes, shrugging shoulders, waving a hand, shaking his head … And the intonation? Do not forget about it, it is a very striking indicator. One and the same word, pronounced with a different intonation, can be both praise and insult.

Sexual safety, the fourth whale in relationships.

The first thing that comes to mind for most of us is protection from all kinds of infections. But we are talking about SB within the framework of psychology. And this is about the freedom to express your desires in sex and their acceptance by a partner. And if there is no acceptance, then definitely without condemnation and criticism.

Our desires and fantasies have the right to be. And if we voice them, then we have the right to count on an adequate response. Not "ugh, where did you learn that" or "how could you, you're a mother." And where to fulfill them, these fantasies, if not with a trusted partner?

I deliberately do not undertake to consider situations where, to satisfy their fantasies, one of the partners “goes to the left”. There can be many reasons for this, and lack of trust and acceptance is only one of them.

Many times I have heard the same story from different people, women and men, why they have mistresses or lovers. Yes, because in everyday life everything suits, but not in bed. And it's scary to even hint to her / him that I want IT.

And one moment. In many families, domestic sexual violence is almost the norm. If you do not want something or do not like it, you have the right to refuse. And in a normal relationship, you will be understood and your wishes will be taken into account. Well, if your wife has a headache every night, that's something else.

Relationships are primarily about acceptance. Of the four security pillars we've discussed, a lot is built on trust and acceptance. If you have difficulties with this in a relationship, come for a consultation, we will figure it out. And a stable feeling of comfort and security will be your natural state.