2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When it comes to emotions, there is one simple truth that can change the way we view things when it comes to stressful situations:
When a person is experiencing a strong emotion, they ALWAYS try to make you feel that emotion too.
This is how conflicts are inflated. For example, when my husband gets ready for work, something goes wrong. The dishes are flying out of hand, the pass to the office has gone somewhere. Feeling anger, and under it - powerlessness, while addressing his wife, the husband will subconsciously structure his actions and remarks in such a way that the wife will also experience powerlessness, even if before that she was in a cheerful mood. For example, a husband may say to a wife who offers help: you are always out of place with your advice! The wife will feel unnecessary and shallow, unable to help. Powerless. The irritation that accompanies powerlessness will seize her stream, and if this woman does not have a high enough level of awareness, she will irritably react to her husband's remark, inflating his powerlessness.
If you have caught yourself in a cycle of inflating each other's emotions, whichever side of the barricades you are on (initiator or responder), notice that this dynamic is happening. The more willingly you take up to notice this type of energy exchange and discharge of negative emotions, the faster it will become possible to track the origin of the "transmission" of emotion and choose the subsequent response consciously, instead of adding fuel to the fire playing such games.
It is important to understand that we all resort to this behavior, but not everyone is able to consciously control this behavior. The fact is that this mechanism of release of emotional stress is formed in the psyche in early childhood: when we are sad, when we are angry, we subconsciously try to attract another person into our reality, sharing with him an unpleasant feeling that exceeds our ability to hold on to discomfort.
What to do when you notice that you have begun to engage in the cycle of transmitting emotions to each other?
Firstly Please note that in a relationship, you do not need to share a negative emotion with your partner to help him cope with it. When you notice that your loved one is out of sorts, focus your efforts on creating a space where they can express their emotion safely and without consequences.
Most of us grew up in families where it was dangerous to express our emotions in their fullness and sincerity. In a family where emotions are divided into “right” and “wrong”, there is no space for self-expression, and a person has to look for roundabout ways to survive (for example, disidentification with the physical body and subsequent non-integration into the physical plane of being, suppression of “wrong” emotions and fragmentation psyche). Creating a safe space for expressing emotions allows a person to have additional unliving experiences. This space itself is healing in its essence.
Secondly, you need to learn to maintain a kind and understanding attitude towards your partner. We all sometimes feel inadequate, powerless, angry, grumpy, irritated. These emotional states do not mean that we do not deserve love, or that we are naturally defective. We live in a dual world built on the play of opposites. To deny a whole camp of emotions, which, moreover, cannot be controlled is at least naive.
Become an expert in understanding another person. Please note that there is a pattern in his behavior, in his reaction to a number of certain events. Notice how this person expresses himself when this and that happens to him. It would be foolish to expect that the next time the event repeats itself, the person will begin to behave differently. However, precisely because we expect a different reaction - more positive, conscious, or some other that we like better - we get irritated and become unable to interact with our loved one in the moment.
Keeping you high and unobtrusive in offering a solution to your loved one (or better, generally refraining from providing advice until the other person expresses a desire to discuss the situation) is a prerequisite for the fact that the unpleasant emotion experienced by the other person will quickly lose its charge
Thirdly, you need to make the person living in an unpleasant state feel that you are not leaving him at the moment when this state overpowers him. The reason we are afraid of our emotions is because there have been people next to us throughout our lives who have taken love away from us, as soon as we express emotions that are uncomfortable for them. Being around a person who is depressed, experiencing suicidal thoughts, vomiting and thrashing, or in any other way expresses his emotional truth, which is unpleasant for us, hard and energy-consuming. At the same time, if this person is important to you, it is in your right to choose to stay close to him, not sliding into his emotional state, but allowing him to express himself in full.
We need to make our loved ones understand that our love for them is not based on certain emotional expressions. Provided that emotional expression does not induce a person to resort to violence towards you, the moment of expressing a negative emotion can be a moment of releasing suppressed energies, bringing a calm and balanced state of mind to all sides of the interaction.
Lilia Cardenas, integral psychologist, hypnologist, somatic therapist
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