2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In humans, the need to be with others is spelled out at the genetic level, a symbiotic (symbiosis from the Greek - living together) connection between the child and the parents is necessary for survival. The experience of addiction is the primary experience we get as a child. And with healthy development, a person strives for independence. The child, in small steps, tries to learn about the world on his own as much as age allows. Learn to crawl, sit, walk, talk, read, sing. And also learn to say "no". Consciously choose friends, partners. Express your opinions regardless of the opinions of others. Plan your life. Make decisions on your own, regardless of the wishes and opinions of others. Do not deviate from your own values even under pressure from others. Work on your identity. A person with a healthy mental structure strives for freedom. Of course, not to that freedom, where I will do what I want, up to enrichment at someone else's expense. Along with freedom and independence, a person takes on responsibilities and responsibility for his life.
Each of us needs other people, while others need us and there is a danger of symbiotic fixation on each other. In such a symbiotic fixation, development stops. If children are constantly told how subordinate, dependent, and incapable they are, this will poison children's souls. Children and so constantly feel their dependence and need. To a greater extent, they need approval, support, understanding and respect from adults. So that they can independently look at the world and trust their feelings. For a growing child, it is important that there is a person nearby, thanks to which he will cognize his own “I”, which is different from the other “I”. If the parents do not know themselves, are cut off from their own feelings, absorbed in their own internal problems, in this case they are not available to the child. And then the distinction with the parents, and the formation of their own "I" becomes difficult and impossible. The child is told false beliefs about the parents if the parents do not know themselves. Children try on false ideas that do not correspond to reality and stop trusting themselves, their feelings, impulses, thoughts.
During adolescence, it is important for a child to have a personal free space from parents and other adults. A teenager, from his own experience, needs to understand what he is capable of and not capable of, who he is and who he is not. It is important to give your child both support and release at the same time during puberty. After puberty, adolescents form their values and ideas about life, trying to understand what exactly makes up the meaning of their life. Instead of external support from parents, other adults, friends, an “inner core” is being formed. And of course, if a child grew up in a family with unpredictable parents, did not feel support from them and in an unsafe atmosphere, then the inner core is not formed. He is guided in everything by the people around him. He does not know his own needs, he does not understand his own feelings and simply needs another person for existence, he does not know who he is, he sees himself through the eyes of other people, from which he suffers to a greater extent. On the other hand, with unreliable attachment to parents, a pseudo-autonomy may form in a child. Such children do not have an emotional basis for trusting their parents, they experience stress and remain at a distance from them. They become independent early on. Such children are forced to be independent from adults, they often play alone for a long time, learn everything quickly. They refuse to receive support from adults, which limits their opportunities due to the fact that they are children. For fear of being in someone else's power, they do not accept help from others. For such a child, becoming an adult, a close relationship with another person is unbearable. Behind this is the experience of dealing with traumatized and unpredictable parents. Unsatisfied need for love, care, support is suppressed and split off. To endure a child's soul the pain of unsatisfied intimacy with parents is unbearable. In the future, due to their constraint and distance, they cannot admit their need in order to receive emotional support. On the other hand, an adult who grew up in such a family does not give up trying to satisfy what he did not receive in childhood, trying to gain recognition from parents, friends, colleagues. But such attempts only increase his frustration. A person does not live his life, his actions are dictated by false attitudes, he is in captivity of his childhood.
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