2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I hate and love. 👿😻Do you often have mixed feelings about your partner? This type of relationship is characteristic of neurotics. What characterizes them? Read on.
Nevorotik strives to completely surrender the furrows of governing his own life to his partner, losing a sober look at what is happening in a couple. He focuses on meeting three basic needs: ACCEPTANCE, LOVE, and APPROVAL. These three feelings he lacked sooo in childhood on the part of his parents.
Throwing all of himself into the attitude, he completely forgets about balance, and, as a rule, receives depreciation from the partner (and how can you value someone who, like a sable coat, throws his life plans and interests at your feet, sacrificing them at any opportunity). The neurotic often gives the partner such a manner of dealing with himself in exchange for those very precious feelings that he lacked so much, and which he finally found in the person of his beloved.
Do not throw stones at the neurotic's partner. This person is also not sweet. In these relationships, they do not love him, as an integral personality, but only that part of him that is beneficial to the neurotic. For example, a neurotic wants a loving and caring person, and he “cramps the unproductive” into this framework. And the partner, in turn, simply may not have the resource for these feelings: tired, tired of everything, I want changes in life, but they continue to demand and demand from you. And if suddenly you are not capable - a huge scandal and a lot of misunderstanding await you. "Why so? How can you not support me now ?? Yes, I tell you: … and what are you to me? " "I dedicated my whole life to you!"
The neurotic is a skilled manipulator.
What does a neurotic do to get the very feelings that he lacks? Manipulates. Manipulates and manipulates again. But, in fairness, I must say that he does not do it consciously.
The neurotic is looking for ways in which he can get ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL and ❤. The task is not as simple as it seems at first glance. He cannot ask directly. If a neurotic simply says: “I love you,” “I want to take care of you,” he will not believe. Why? Because he is used to receiving love and acceptance, for example, through self-sacrifice and suffering. For him, this is a completely logical scheme, since in childhood he achieved this in exactly this way.
4 ways to obtain them, and examples of formulation schemes:
- bribery - “I love you very much and have dedicated my life to you” - expectation: you will never leave me - neurotic feelings: fear of being rejected
- appeal to pity - "I am sick, take care of me" - the need for acceptance
- a call for justice - "I'm your wife - how can you cheat on me" - the need for love, acceptance.
- threats - "if you do not leave me, I will commit suicide" - the need for acceptance.
The process of neurotic relationships over time brings discomfort and significantly spoils the life of the neurotic and his partner. And, since this happens quite unconsciously, it breaks through in relationships in the form of frequent quarrels, passive aggression and clarification of relationships - who owes whom how much and what.
Psychotherapy, in such a relationship, will be aimed at identifying unmet needs and teaching partners that are acceptable to both ways of obtaining them. I also advise you to read the book "5 languages of love" by Gary Chapman.
If you recognized your relationship in this text, it will be useful to contact a family therapist. This will have a beneficial effect on the mental health of you and your significant other.
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