Brothers And Sisters: Between Love And Hate

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In the life of every family, where there is already one child, there comes a moment when spouses think about whether to give birth to a second. Statistics show that the first child in a family appears more often as a result of a coincidence of chance circumstances. Couples who have become more experienced in contraception and childbearing still approach the second consciously.

Planning is a sign of parental maturity. And the parents worry about how comfortable two or more children in the family will be. Comfortable not only from a financial point of view, but also the opportunity to share your parental love between two (or more) children

One of the key questions that parents are interested in is the optimal age difference between children. The answer is simple: it doesn't exist!

Unfortunately, family relationships are arranged in such a way that in any case, someone's interests will be infringed upon. But the most obvious conflicts are age restrictions. A one to two year age gap is usually good for children, but extremely difficult for parents. After all, the female body has not yet fully recovered after the first birth, and it will be difficult for a mother to endure a new pregnancy, combining it with taking care of the first baby. It is believed that a woman's body recovers after childbirth in two and a half to three years, which means that the load on the body will be too great.

Having a second child will definitely require a lot of emotional and physical strength from both parents. It will take five years to live in such a rhythm. And if the mother, at the same time, will completely surrender herself to the children, in such a family a situation inevitably arises when the husband feels deprived, especially if he is not involved in caring for children.

But children will have a lot in common - from toys to hobbies and friends. Yes, they will quarrel a lot, but this is inevitable with any age difference. The age difference of three to six years is good for the parents and the youngest child, but the older one will have a hard time.

Children aged three to six will learn the spirit of competition, and the appearance of a younger brother or sister will definitely sharpen the feeling of jealousy, and there is no doubt that this feeling will arise. The older child is already accustomed to certain forms of parental attention, and any manifestations of love for another person will be perceived extremely negatively. And then you have to share your toys, often clothes, and most importantly, the time spent with your mother, which seriously undermines the child's faith in parental unconditional love.

An older child may even try "regressive behavior", withdrawal into illness, tantrums - any means is good to regain the attention of the parents, which seems to have been lost forever. Often mothers come to see a psychologist with complaints about the child's decline in school performance, aggressive behavior, and inattention.

Usually it is worth clarifying: was there a brother or sister born in the family? The answer is usually yes. The decrease in school activity is typical for families with a second child. It is important to understand that if the elder goes to kindergarten or school, and you stay with the younger, then he will surely fantasize about what you are doing there without him, maybe you have found him a better replacement, and he has no time for games and studies. …

At school, the kid constantly thinks about you, worries, his attention decreases, he is distracted. All these feelings are exacerbated if you initially strongly criticize the elder, note his shortcomings, and compare. With such a difference in age, it is much easier for parents to cope with caring for their youngest child, and even to the youngest, everything seems normal and familiar. He will develop much faster, since he has a real example to follow. But in order to avoid serious problems, it is necessary to make it a rule to respect the right to personal property of the older child - his toys, crib, clothes.

You will also not be allowed to complain that you are tired of worrying about the younger, did not get enough sleep and therefore do not want to play or work with him. A child can understand everything literally and, as a result, will be even more angry with his brother for causing you suffering, and personally does not give him the opportunity to be with you for a sufficient amount of time.

An age difference of seven to eleven years will cause problems for both children, but it makes life much easier for parents

Firstly, your impressions of raising both children will not be smeared in any way - you will remember all the details of their development and growth.

Secondly, the older child can already really be an assistant, and this will not be a burden for him: the younger, of course, is a competitor, but not too dangerous, moreover, he can distract from teenage problems.

It is important not to overload the elder with worries about the younger, because it was you who decided to give birth to the child, not him, and if asked, he would most likely be against it, since he is already used to being alone in the family. Your child is your concern. Children in such a family will not become friends in childhood - they will be interested in too different age problems. Their friendship will show up later.

A difference of more than 11 years will create problems for an older child

As a rule, the birth of a baby will take place in a difficult adolescence, when there are a lot of problems of their own, and then there is also a baby in a cradle. Often, adolescents even endure maternal pregnancy with a large share of negativity, since they understand the result of which parental relationship this pregnancy occurred. And these feelings are sometimes simply unbearable.

I remember that the young hero of one of the series about the maternity hospital did not invite his pregnant mother to the wedding, because he was very shy about her position. This rejection is typical when there is a large age gap between children.

Often in such a family, the second child is the result of a second or even third marriage, and this also complicates the feelings of the elders, because a stepfather or stepmother can in itself be a threat to relations with a mother or father. But for a younger brother, an older brother or sister is a subject of boundless pride and, as a rule, much more authority than parents. For parents, the younger is an unconditional joy, because the age of understanding the essence of parenting has come, knowledge, experience, patience have come.

What cannot be said and done to parents if they are planning or already have a second child in the family?

1. Do not ask if your child wants a brother or sister

If you want to hear an honest answer, then it will be unambiguous - no! "Yes" can be in two cases.

The first is that the child wants to please you, because you are unlikely to ask "do you really want a brother or sister?", Which means that your question contains a program for a positive answer, which the child reads and, trying to please you, simply lies. After all, if he answers "no", you will be upset or even angry. Why should he have these problems? Well, okay - yes! The second variant of a positive answer is hidden in the child's fantasies about a peer friend - you can play with him, and it will be fun. Children initially do not realize that the one who is born will be a small screaming bundle that will draw all of their mother's attention to themselves, and in order to play with it, they will have to wait a long time, and when you wait, these games will no longer be needed. This misunderstanding of the true state of affairs gives rise to the answer "yes". And you are unlikely to dare to tell the child the truth …

Therefore, children should be prepared for the birth of a child gradually, explaining the features of new relationships, a new rhythm of life, without making this a special secret or a super miracle.

2. Children cannot be compared

You must understand that they will be different by default. They may have different interests, temperaments, abilities and thinking patterns, and, of course, they may be of a different gender. Take into account these differences, do not seek to equalize, adjust. Selection is the lot of agronomists and livestock breeders. Your task is to develop the individual abilities of each child individually. There is no need to strive to take children to the same circles, no matter how convenient it may be, if they themselves do not want it. Comparing children's success is about giving one of them the opportunity to label themselves as a failure. Often the school is involved in such a comparison, especially if the success in school disciplines or behavior among children is very different. Attempts by teachers to compare children from the same family should still be stopped. We are all different and have the right to be individual. It is also important not to use the words "you are older", "he is younger", "she is a girl" in speech. If you follow this path, the child will understand that certain qualities give a brother or sister advantages, and this will cause not only anger and resentment, but also a feeling of his own inferiority, inferiority only because you were born a few years earlier or were born, for example, a boy …

3. Children should not be forbidden to quarrel and conflict

Conflicts in any family are inevitable, especially among children fighting for the attention and love of the most important people - their parents. And there will be plenty of other reasons for conflicts: household responsibilities, the right to have personal friends, personal space and things, primacy in games and success. It is important to understand that conflicts that are not resolved in childhood become a serious problem in adult life. And if we give them the opportunity to realize themselves, then we will get consciously adult friends, and not eternal rivals. Often, parents try to take sides in an argument, and, as a rule, this is the youngest child. It hurts both of them. The younger learns to subtle trolling and manipulation, and the elder harbors a resentment with which he can live his whole life. I know of cases when sisters had grievances for decades. When a conflict arises, your parental task is to take a neutral position and provide an opportunity to resolve the conflict without your participation, while ensuring the safety of the parties. You will be surprised, but the children will cope on their own. I am sure that they already have such experience - you are not always at home when they are in conflict.

It's just that someone of them will try to use your presence to their advantage. In general, conflicts and quarrels are a way to reach a new, more stable level of relationships. It is important to note here that any violence of children against each other must be stopped immediately, explaining to the child the consequences of his actions.

Punishing a child physically for abuse is to give a reason to understand that this is the only way for you to realize your anger. Is this what you want to teach your children? Therefore, it is impossible to beat for aggression. But do not leave the child alone with his feelings - unfulfilled, they will certainly make themselves felt. It is important to discuss any situation, give it a verbal designation. In fact, examples of concrete actions are much more convincing than moralizing lectures in absolutely everything. The way you react in certain situations, your children will reproduce in their future life, in relation to other people, to their children and to you.

Therefore, you should be attentive to your actions, do not allow yourself to be cruel and injustice. Building a friendly and emotionally warm relationship between brothers and sisters is a difficult but solvable task. Let's help our children make the best memories of their families from their childhood so that they can avoid loneliness in the future, make friends and support each other.