2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Zoya Zvyagintseva
We, true psychologists, decided to flood Facebook with explanations that children should not be hit. I am also in a trend, I believe that children should not be beaten, and at the same time I have a separate very strong sense of compassion for parents.
To those who, together with me, exclaims after Kharms: "Poisoning children is cruel. But you have to do something with them!", I dedicate these lines.
Sometimes the behavior of children can evoke very strong feelings. Anger rushes over like a wave, especially when mom is tired. The child does not obey, but the anger and memory of his own childhood pushes - "slap as you should! Let him understand that this is impossible!"
Please stop. Research shows that children who were spanked as children grow up more aggressive, have a harder schooling experience, increase their risk of alcohol and drug use, family problems, and increase their risk of obesity and cardiovascular disease.
What to do if the child is uncontrollable and you are furious ?! Remember the rules of conduct in an emergency when flying? First, an oxygen mask for yourself, then for a child.
First, you need to help yourself deal with your anger. Freeze. Take a step back. Inhale deeply, and then exhale slowly, slowly. Repeat a few more times. You can count to yourself: inhale in two counts (one-two), exhale in three counts (one-two-three).
When the wave of anger subsides a little, assess whether your immediate intervention is necessary, is it necessary to stop the child's behavior right now? Does what he does threaten his life, health, safety, and the well-being of your family? life or health of other people or beings? The answer "yes", for example, is appropriate when a child reaches for a boiling kettle, hits his younger brother, cuts expensive curtains with scissors. In this case, physically stop the child, hug him gently but firmly. Calmly, firmly say: "You cannot do this." When the child has calmed down, explain to him why his behavior was unacceptable.
If the situation allows your intervention to be delayed for a while (for example, the child misbehaved or skipped school, stole money, lied to you), then take care of yourself first. Strong negative feelings, like a gas tank light on the dashboard of a car, indicate that gasoline is running out, your strength is running out, your needs are not being met. Raising children in such a state is ineffective. Take a break. What do you need right now? On vacation? In care? In safety? What could you do for yourself now to make your life even a little better? Pour yourself a cup of tea? Wrap yourself up in a blanket? Talk to a good friend? Take a walk?
When it becomes easier, you can think about how to help the child in the difficult situation that his behavior led to. We all make mistakes, it's inevitable, mistakes are needed in order to learn how to behave correctly.
The parent's task is to teach to understand what led to an error (stole money - why did they need the money? Pocket?). Talk to the child, ask him what really happened, what he wanted, discuss the consequences of his behavior, and together develop a strategy to compensate for the damage.
Of course, permissiveness is unacceptable, there must be boundaries and an understanding of what is good and what is bad. And at the same time, we all want to have parents, relatives, loved ones who will be on our side in a difficult situation. No judgment, blame, fear or shame. Being on our side doesn't mean justifying any behavior. It means being there when it’s hard to do the right thing, and helping when we want to fix our mistakes. And we can give this help to our children. This help is more effective than spanking in teaching children to act honestly, justly, and with love.
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