Be Good, Or What Will People Say?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Sometimes it seems to me that we take out the desire to be good directly from the nursery group of the kindergarten, reinforcing it with a decent share of parenting "you have to be …"

But first, we must sit down on time, gag, start going to the potty and smile at the unfamiliar aunt in time with two timely teeth. Then we need to learn how to greet the concierge, not whine when parents are uncomfortable, behave well at a party or on the street, learn letters and add numbers correctly, wash our hands with soap and blow our nose in a snow-white handkerchief.

Then the school joins in, demanding from us not to run during recess, to sit quietly in class, with our hands folded on the desk, and also to have beautiful handwriting and accuracy, to be assiduous and diligent. At the same time, we must study perfectly, having time to master pirouettes on skates and Bach's fugues, adoring solfeggio and running cross-country without pain in the side.

The further program is designed for successful admission to a decent university with a brilliant defense of a diploma, after receiving which the coolest companies will hire expensive headhunters to persuade us to be their most leading specialist. Working on this coolest job, we, of course, must have time to get to know a partner surprisingly suitable for us according to the horoscope and give birth to the most beautiful and healthy children who, again, will delight us with timely teeth and will not create problems with the pot.

We must not forget, being an excellent specialist, to meet with the most faithful friends in the world, without criticizing them, at the first call, coming to their aid, lending money at any time when they ask us, not forgetting to thank them for their trust in being their creditors. It is important, of course, to have the coziest house in the world, kept in perfect order, without leaking taps and creaky doors. At the same time, it would be nice not to forget the curlers on your head and not find, when you come to visit, torn socks. It's so important to be good! And if it doesn't work out? What if we stop "being good"? God, what will people say now? After each birthday, one of my friends throws out a bunch of food, because even a decent company cannot eat so much food that she puts on the table. The day before, she tirelessly fries and soars everything that should be on this table, and for all the assurances that it is impossible to eat it, she stubbornly declares that if the table does not burst with a variety of food, then she will be "ashamed in front of people." …

Another friend of mine did not sleep all night on the train, because it was "uncomfortable" for her to wake up her neighbor in the compartment and ask him to roll over so that he would not snore. She did not dare to approach the conductor (to try to change the compartment - the carriage was half empty), since she was already asleep. Well, do not wake the same person in order to sleep on your own! In our society, it is customary to endure, because to show dissatisfaction is to stop being "good", and being capricious and demanding is already beyond our strength and ideas about a "decent person."

Parents of my little clients often bring their children to nervous tics and stuttering, forcing them to read and write at the age of three only because someone on the playground told that their child in less than three "already knows all the letters", and Gosha from the second entrance even reads clearly Pushkin's "Anchar" by heart. But we are ashamed of our fool - he does not collect the pyramid the first time and does not ask for a pot. What will people say? We frantically demand approval, we are too socially oriented, we are dependent on the opinions of unimportant and unnecessary people, passers-by, concierges, grandmothers on benches. Sometimes it seems that we live for their sake, so as not to tire of meeting their expectations, fulfilling their social order for good people. Hundreds of articles in various magazines teach us to be good wives, husbands, mothers and housewives, and in fact teach us to be as "comfortable" as possible for those around us. It is not customary for us to be a healthy egoist, because the eternal rock inscription of our mind will always remind: "Think, friend, what people will say!"

Healthy selfishness does not imply disregard for the feelings of others, but understanding your feelings, the ability to defend your interests is a completely acceptable form of self-love, which has nothing to do with our ideas about inadequate self-esteem. We are accustomed to the fact that doing something that does not agree with the desires of other people, that we only need or get rid of discomfort is wrong, we need to somehow adapt, adjust, put off our feelings and desires. The payment for breaking these rules will always be a sense of guilt, carefully instilled in us by our parents, who at one time tried to give us love for "good behavior" and "five" in the diary.

The desire to be "convenient" and "good" is always the desire to be loved, but the system collapses precisely when in adulthood the system does not work, fails and destroys our "I", because it turns out that we are loved only if, if we love ourselves without any conditions and "deserves". But in the subconsciousness of several generations lies the belief that you need to earn your own value. Moreover, a huge number of people give up the pleasure of reading an interesting book in favor of "useful" reading, they watch a boring movie just because it is an "art house", and one should be aware of it, not to fall "face down in the mud." After all, to say that I don’t know, I didn’t see it, I didn’t read it - it’s a shame! What will people think?

We refuse tasty food in favor of healthy food, from rest in favor of developing activities, from pleasant communication in favor of useful. We all the time "build up" ourselves, "tune" our soul and body, counting on dividends in the form of universal love and recognition. The main message of such actions is to become better than I was yesterday, which means more valuable and loved. But it’s so easy to tell a child that his value is determined by the fact of birth, and not by his successes and merits, be it the ability to speak, read, or victory in a prestigious competition. And, in my opinion, it is more important to teach a child to respond correctly to untimely comments than to scan the opinion of others about himself every second.

No, I am not calling for allowing children to live outside the framework of upbringing, but upbringing is not a continuous determination of what others think of you, but rather the ability to behave in such a way that both you and those around you feel comfortable. Children often naturally exclude from their social circle those who bring them discomfort, forcing them to be obedient executors of someone else's will, forgetting about their own desires and capabilities. And those whom we manage to break, alas, become unhappy little "oldies" who care so much what people say …

Feelings of shame and guilt most often appear in a psychologist's office in the form of complex psychosomatic reactions, in the form of a ruined or unsettled life, in the form of depression and disappointment. But almost always, these feelings are preceded by an exaggerated desire to be good, to be strong and smart, to meet all requests and opinions about oneself. I do not call for forgetting or canceling any feelings, all feelings are necessary and important, but the path they take in our consciousness can be destructive for the psyche if we do not track causal relationships, if we force ourselves to work continuously and do not allow to myself at least sometimes, at least for a short while, become "bad" or "uncomfortable" for someone.

There are, of course, people who are ready for self-denial, but in this case they do not feel unhappy, but rather see this as a mission. But if you look back with concern at the opinions of others, then this can hardly be called an indicator of happiness, even if these others are your parents. As it happens in psychology - everything is very simple in theory, we are ready to realize and even feel everything, but in practice …

In practice, we need to protect at least our children from disappointment by giving them the understanding that being good is certainly wonderful, but being happy is much more important!