How To Get Rid Of Toxicity?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Have you discovered signs of toxic people and are not sure what to do? By and large, you don't have to work on it (“I'm a toxic person, that's all!”). However, in reality, the situation is serious. Why might this be so important? First, you are deprived of relationships in life, loved ones and their support. Secondly, you feel very bad inside - overwhelmed and lonely due to lack of resources, with a deep feeling of emptiness in your soul, which is constantly gnawing. That is why you start to hook other people in order to cope with some difficulties.

Underneath the toxic nature lies a rather weak ego. Relatively speaking, this is the ego of a child who was not spared enough, loved, not taken care of in due measure, there was practically no emotional contact with the mother's figure. There was a connection with some other object of attachment, for example, with a grandmother or grandfather, but there was no contact with a significant figure for the child. As a result, disappointment, resentment, unlived frustration remained, and the person is in this state all the time, especially when faced with emotional rejection. In other words, you can still communicate in contact with friends and spouses, but the dialogues will actually be unemotional, and you will again fall into the zone of resentment and frustration. This is a vicious cycle that is almost impossible to survive due to the fact that resentment gnaws.

As a rule, such people do not have enough of their own resources to cope with some of their experiences in contact; accordingly, they experience an unconscious need to take a resource from another. That is why the dynamics of toxicity is treated in psychotherapy. The internal need seems to be directed towards the mother (for example, a child at the age of two years experiences a strong level of need for a mother - he follows her with a tail 24/7, the mother cannot even calmly go to the toilet or shower, since the baby is running after her all the time) … In ordinary life, it is quite difficult to find a person who would respond to your request 24/7, the most ideal option is personal therapy (at least you will need 20 sessions - six months). The result will be strong, after 10 sessions people begin to feel more stable - their inner child has received support, and there are more resources.

What can you do yourself?

1. Designate one important attitude for yourself and live by relying on it - at the moment (if you are 18+) no one owes you anything in this life (neither parents, nor relatives, nor friends, nor spouses). No one is obliged to experience your frustrations together with you, share your experiences, respond to them, solve your problems - throw such beliefs out of your head! Having understood this simple truth, you will be able to relate much easier to life situations. The next step is to find ways to restore your inner resources. Feeling the painful need to complain, to throw out the negative, some people go into creativity (in parallel with work), some, on the contrary, go into work. If you do not have the opportunity to go to therapy, plunge headlong into creativity (dance, painting, singing, poetry). Creativity is always about trauma, and you don’t have to publish your notes and creations, but if you do make up your mind, it’s good to get feedback.
2. It’s not so easy for toxic people to stop complaining (“Oh, I’m not doing well! And the day was not successful, and it doesn’t work out that way, and in general life is not for me!”). If you feel the urge to complain, first ask yourself the questions: “Why would you want to do this at the moment? What do you want to get from the interlocutor? What need do you want to close? "As a result of this approach, your complaint will sound less toxic to the other person. If you inform the person in advance about your intention (“Listen, now I need to complain! Listen to me and give me some kind of emotional connection in return. emotional response. It is important for me to feel that someone is hurting my situation "or" Now I need advice. Yes, I will complain, but I need advice "), you will have a better chance of satisfying your need.

Oftentimes, zone 1 suffers in people who appear toxic - they want an emotional response. Analyze your behavior and condition - if you become a toxic person, this is due to early childhood rejection (you were not heard, you were not supported emotionally, respectively, you will play a similar scenario in your life - surround yourself with people without empathy, unable to respond to your problem). Make an effort, choose words and a form of communication, but demand from others a response ("I just told you a story. Yes, it was not enchanting and supernatural, but it is important for me to get feedback. What do you think about this? How do you feel?"). Over time, if you persistently work through this area, people will begin to respond, so focus on the problem and work to get an emotional connection in response to your complaints. An important point - be sure to learn to understand your deepest needs (What exactly do you want to get from the interlocutor?).

1. How to deal with negativity? Try to change your thinking, find the good in the bad. Learn this skill, it needs to be developed, but this process is quite lengthy, and on average it takes a year or two. Read the book Pollyanna by Eleanor Porter. This is a children's classic with a powerful message - every aspect of life should be viewed with a positive attitude.

2. Start changing your attitude towards life changes. If, in response to the complaints of a toxic person, he is offered help in the form of finding a job, interviewing the right person who will surely help, he refuses. This is its particular toxicity to others. The reason for the refusal is simple - fear. However, if you want to work on your toxicity, you will have to accept responsibility for your changes. Try new options, discover new possibilities even through fear. The important point is that you must have internal resources to support if something does not work out. Remember, you have every right to make your own mistakes, and let the whole world condemn you, but there must be at least one person to whom you can complain and cry. Before you complain, ask yourself: "Am I ready to take responsibility for changing the current situation for the better?"

What are you complaining about? At the moment of a complaint, each of us experiences an unconscious and deep hope that someone will be able to do the “hard work” for us, shoulder all the responsibility. However, this will not happen! If you are an adult, no one will take responsibility for you and your life! Alas, for many people it is acceptable to receive help from parents throughout their life, but at the same time, their inner state of happiness, harmony and self-satisfaction in this case will always depend on a third person (mom, dad, spouse, girlfriends, etc.).). You will not feel confident and comfortable always being in a state of expectation, and this will not make you happy.

No one can make your life happy, only you yourself know how to do it. It is very difficult to change your thinking to a responsible one, especially when there is a small child inside who needs attention and support, but if you do not do this, everything will collapse. Give your inner child support through a psychologist or an object of affection with whom you currently have a trusting and emotionally warm relationship, and you can go and develop further.

Another tip is to read Jack Canfield's The Rules of Success. There are 64 steps in the book, which the author recommends to follow to improve yourself and achieve success, and the very first rule is responsibility.