2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
If sexual desire disappears in a long-term relationship: will it always be this way or can this be helped? Recently, the founder of the School of Sex Therapy in the Gestalt Approach (ESOG, Paris) Brigitte Martel and Jean François Gervais held an interesting seminar in Kiev. There was some good news that I want to share.
When a lack of sexual desire is found in a couple, a seductive idea may arise that it is in the partner: it is he who has spoiled, he himself is to blame, because of him the problems. Such expectations sound in the psychologist's office not only in connection with the topic of sexuality. “I want him to earn more,” “I want her to be too heavy for my brain,” in other words: I want you to change. But, we understand that it is impossible to change another person, he is not a sweater that can be loosened and bandaged, taking into account fashion trends
One can complain that the former passion is gone. Or you can try to rehabilitate the desire today. And if you choose to stay in this relationship and are not ready to give up sex, what will be your contribution to a satisfying and joyful sex life?
In order to realize the scale of the catastrophe and find that it is, for example, not a catastrophe, but an overcomeable difficulty, it is important to distinguish between:
* Sexual interest - when he is not, it means that the topic of sex does not interest me in principle. 100% of the readers of this article have a sexual interest.
* Sexual Desire - thoughts about sex visit me, I think of myself as a participant in sexual intercourse or at least foreplay, I consider my partner as attractive or not sexually attractive.
* Sexual arousal - characteristic changes that occur to the body when it is ready for intercourse.
Respectively, "I'm not interested in sex anymore" in fact, it can mean different things:
* I have joined the asexual movement and will not be interested in sex under any circumstances
* I think about sex, but these thoughts are no longer directed at my partner
* I want sex with my partner, but I have physical difficulties in realizing the desire
* your version, which you will formulate with the help of a psychotherapist. Or on your own, because you are a strong-willed person who will figure it out on his own and will not be afraid to face the truth
… and this leads to difficulties in the sexual life of our couple, which we want to overcome (because if this console is not there, then there is nothing to work about)
In one case, you need to visit a doctor, find out the state of the hormonal system, conduct medical examinations (this is generally useful to do from time to time) and get the necessary treatment. It is fraught with psychotherapy to treat dropsy of the testicle or thyroid goiter.
If a person is somatically healthy, and does not want / want sex with a partner, but rarely / marital debt has become a debt and the debt is growing? It is important, of course, to answer to yourself: is there a value to continue the relationship? And if so, French sexologists recommend the following:
1. Recognize that not every cycle of sexual contact needs to be completed and allow yourself to want
Behavior in sexual, as in any other area of life, is determined by many attitudes. Something I choose on purpose, copying the most popular classmate among the guys, something I was told by an advertisement for lacy linen, water mattresses, clips of Dorn or Oleg Vinnik. And some of the rules and their (in fact, not very own) decisions about sex, people do not even realize. “Men just need this”, “you can be desirable only up to 30 years old; 55 kilograms; with size 75C or 22 cm; income from $ 10,000 , - add your option. There was also a particularly wonderful “If a woman smokes, then she will not refuse sex to anyone” (in the original it sounded a little sharper).
How can attitudes affect lack of desire in a marriage? A very popular, regardless of gender, and unconscious attitude sounds like this: "sexual arousal must end with sexual intercourse." It's like a sex cycle:
interest desire excitement plateau (intercourse) orgasm relaxation
(Sh. Gelman cycle)
must be completed - and then I do everything right, my sex life is successful. But if we look at the definition of sexual health, it sounds like this: good sexual health is about being able to complete a cycle at will, and being able to interrupt it at will. The second part of the phrase is very important: difficulties with desire can come from the belief that if I experience it, then I will not be able to stop.
Now imagine if a couple has the value of a monogamous relationship, loyalty, and at the same time - the unconscious attitude described above - a person will simply block sexual impulses, leaving no chance for desire to come. “I don’t want my partner / partner to want / want other people” is also often broadcast to the spouse. But the trick is that you cannot stop wanting others, but continue to want a partner by volitional effort. You can try to stop wanting at all. And it will work! But it is unlikely to like it … And if you allow yourself to want and be able to interrupt the sexual cycle, there is a chance to rehabilitate the desire in a couple.
2. Express aggression without manipulation
Couples quarrel, partners periodically hurt each other, this is reality. When it gets boring in a relationship, sometimes it means that boredom hides some completely different state, which for some reason is better not to admit. Sometimes it works like this: I block my sexual desire, because I am very offended by you. My "no desire" = "I am so offended at you that you will not get my desire no matter how hard you try." I use a weapon that allows me to be aggressive, but not responsible for it. Try to find a way to sort things out directly.
3. To restore bodily freedom and attention to the body
Desire can be blocked bodily. Muscle carapace of any localization: in the pelvis, legs, back. Blocking of sexual impulses can occur even at the level of breathing. A sedentary lifestyle, trauma, the inability to relax the body "imprinted" in stress, lead to stops of bodily movements associated with sexual pleasure. Best of all, what seems to you not so much useful as attractive will help: milongas and bachata, discos under Oleg Vinnik or dancing on the bar in lace underwear, installing a pylon at home or buying the same bed with a water mattress - all that returns body sensitivity. It can be enough just to start getting enough sleep and eat deliciously.
4. To fantasize and autoerotic
In psychotherapy, in matters related to sexuality, great attention is paid to the development of the ability to fantasize. “Taming” desire and erotic imagination, making it “obedient” and capable of providing a satisfying sex life is the skill of addressing the inner erogenous zone, for example, when external stimulation is not enough. Sometimes the desire can come and intensify already in the process of a sexual encounter. Like eating appetite. Erotic games, autoerotisation, addressing a partner with your fantasies - all these are deliberate efforts that help. People often do not dare to tell couples about their desires. You can choose what fantasies to share with your partner and what to keep for yourself. There is an opinion that the other should guess what I want when I do not inform about it in any way. Sometimes it is even considered the highest manifestation of love.
Mutual understanding and coincidence without words is, of course, great luck and pleasure. But if this is a duty, it is more likely the mother to the baby in the pre-verbal period, and not adults who want sex with each other. And if you do not immediately argue with this idea, then you can grasp the essence of the phrase: "there are no bad lovers, there are partners who" poorly "direct." In addition, if there is confidence that I know everything about my partner, maybe it is better to assume that I know a little bit about my partner? And then novelty can appear. In the Other, even the most familiar, there is an unknown that can be discovered. Except when I don't want to see.
Recommended:
Relationship Boundaries: How To Define And Maintain Them? And How Can You Maintain Your Relationship?
In my opinion, each of us should remember that we are not born with instructions for use, we do not walk with it, carved on the forehead, therefore other people tend to cause us inconvenience: to say what we are not ready to hear; call when we are already / still sleeping;
Sexual Fantasies, Sex Games, Sexual Perversions
Most often, sexual fantasies are understood as sexual thoughts of unrealistic content. Or something that has not yet been in real experience, but thoughts about it excite and there is a feeling that in reality you might like it (which is not a fact).
How To Build A Long-distance Relationship And Who Is Capable? (pros)
Who can build relationships at a distance (people with what type of psyche)? And how do you build them if you decide to take such a step? So, we are talking directly about a romantic romantic relationship. Of the permanent options - one of the partners is a sailor or a trucker working abroad;
DESIRE VS NEED. HOW TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS STANDING FOR DESIRE
What is the difference between wants and needs? Are these concepts equal? Desire is the materialization of needs, their objectification. The needs themselves are not material, but they feed on what we get in the material world. In other words, desires are a kind of "
How To Maintain A Sexual Relationship?
In customer requests, it is not uncommon to find the topic of the safety of sexual relations. Some frankly wonder why, after a while, the desire to have sex on the part of a partner has noticeably diminished. Both men and women say about this.
