Why Am I Alone. The Main Thing

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What do you need to be happy? The list may be short or long, but it will definitely contain one important point. For happiness, you need a person with whom there will be spiritual closeness, who understands and accepts. A large part of single women are smart, beautiful, successful, but lonely, and this does not give them the opportunity to be happy. There may be many reasons for this, but there is one main thing that explains everything.

If you want to understand something thoroughly, you need to start from the beginning. Further, very briefly the mechanism of the formation of adult difficulties at an early age. From birth, the child is completely dependent on the mother. He is helpless, needs care and safety. Contact takes place on an emotional level, this is called attachment. The need for intimacy is just as important for the baby as the need for food. D. Boubi, the author of the theory of attachment, distinguishes several of its types, depending on the quality of the mother's care. The main idea is that if for some reason a child experiences emotional deprivation, in other words, when contact is insufficient at the emotional level, this leads to increased anxiety and tension. There are two main strategies that help you cope. The first is trying to attract attention with bad behavior. It is a protest, an active reaction to fear caused by a feeling of insufficient security. Many parents are familiar with these whims, which, it seems, have no reason. The second: to close, try to turn off your feelings, this is avoidance of contact, as compensation for the lack of attention and protection. In order not to experience pain and rejection, the child closes in, withdraws into himself, communication becomes functional, only on business, some parents are satisfied with this, they are so calmer. After five years in relationships with loved ones, the child consolidates the type of communication and behavior to which he is accustomed. This priority is maintained.

A child who was loved, growing up, is not afraid of relationships, he is open in them. If love was not enough, then the relationship, as a trigger, unconsciously evokes a familiar, very unpleasant feeling of anxiety. We meet people who have latent aggressiveness, it manifests itself for the most insignificant reasons, even in minor conflicts. It seems that he is always defending himself from something. And, as you know, the best defense is offense. And even if not attacked, aggression is a habit, just in case. Others try to avoid conflicts or get out of them as soon as possible. The conflict itself is a serious experience for them. Their protection is care. Hide, close to save yourself. Children's strategies of behavior pass into adulthood.

If we are talking about the fact that a woman does not succeed in building a relationship, then in the first case, she usually has many requirements and claims to her partner, and often conflicts. In the second, he tries to adapt in every possible way, to deserve recognition and care. The common cliche "low self-esteem" is often used. In any case, the girl comes close enough to the contact to be aware of it and far enough so that it is not close. On the one hand, there is a natural desire to be near, on the other hand, it is also a natural reaction to protect oneself from possible pain. One step forward and two steps back. As a result, there seems to be a relationship, but some kind of strange, at a distance. Moreover, even sex in this case does not save, because it can also be a means of protection from real intimacy, no matter how paradoxical it looks at first glance.

These are not all the unpleasant consequences of "bad" attachment in early childhood. The child often experiences negative emotions, and it seems to him that he needs to get rid of them. Then, growing up, he is guided mainly by rational considerations, and when emotions arise, and they arise, despite the habitual tendency to suppress, he is lost, does not know how to react. It's like not knowing the language when you come to another country. Emotional intelligence is laid in early development. A person with whom he is developed does not experience difficulties in any relationship. It's easy to agree on something or find a mate. If not, then any contact for him carries a potential threat, and all attention is on how to avoid it. He does not understand his partner well, because communication is mainly driven by an unconscious fear that he may be offended, rejected, and he may again experience such familiar pain. You don't want to feel this feeling, then he tries not to look at his reactions, moves away from self-feelings, from himself, from his body. And he cannot feel the other, because he has deprived himself of this opportunity, forbidding himself to feel. This means that the contact is very superficial, there is no mutual response. After a while, communication stops, it simply loses its meaning.

I have a spectacular blonde in my office, in her early thirties. The look is calm, evaluative. Regular facial features are sedentary, tastefully dressed. I listen to the instant impression: the snow queen. Educated, successful at work, holding a middle management position in a large company.

• men don't notice me
• it's amazing, you have a very noticeable appearance
• there were several relationships, but they left, for no apparent reason
• what do you want from a relationship, why do you need a man?

She spoke many correct words, as it should be, it seemed that a well-learned lesson was answering. There was no real desire in this, its own, coming from within.

• why do you think they leave?
• I don't know, they seem to me unreliable, infantile. A man should be independent, responsible … I do not make any supernatural demands, I just want a normal man who would love me.

In her picture of the desired relationship, everything is laid out, the roles are distributed, only the casting fails. It is very difficult to find the right partner rationally. This is how they buy a coffee maker: you evaluate the consumer qualities, compare whether they fit your requirements, and only then bring it into the house. The problem is that the desire to be around arises when there is a response in the soul. Emotions are primary. They are the ones who develop relationships, not rational selection. She tries to protect herself from possible shocks, but the man leaves earlier because he does not feel emotional contact. She is afraid of relationships, it is dangerous in them, she knows it for sure, she gained experience throughout her childhood and adolescence. Her coldness is a way of warding off the pain of close contact.

A sense of security is needed not only for children, it largely determines love, especially for women. I would like to fill its deficit, but how to do it if you are not used to talking to yourself and to others in the language of feelings? The woman looks at the happy couple and is surprised. They sometimes quarrel, some very violently. The appearance of her successful friend in this sense does not overwhelm the imagination. And he looks with loving eyes. Why so, why can't I fall in love, and what turns out is more like a painful addiction? You can find many "objective" reasons for women's loneliness: there are few real men, there is nowhere to meet, everyone wants only one thing … But they all serve as weak consolation, the problem still remains and the advice does not work. It is useless to try to change behavior without changing what controls it. Stereotypes, founded long ago, proved their correctness and helped to survive psychologically then, now lead to a dead end of loneliness. I'm talking about women, but it also applies to men, although we are from different planets, the mechanisms of the psyche work in the same way.

What to do? Are we all hostages of our own childhood? After unsuccessful attempts to change something in his life, a person finds himself at a fork. And it's a good time for a different approach. It's hard to go where the pain got. The body resists this, this is how nature works. But the unlived life is even more terrible. Ultimately, whatever we do, we strive for positive emotions, for joy and pleasure. We strive to experience strong feelings. The language of emotions can be learned. Even if time is wasted, it means that you have to put in more effort, but you will get the freedom to choose. It's real and worth it.

You need to start with some basics. First, it is an understanding of what is happening to us, with awareness. Second, we need to develop trust in how we feel. Thirdly, he will learn to concentrate attention to himself and his partner, present, accented. Do not forget about intuition, but this is also about trust.

Fear behind loneliness. Start with simple communication. You need to learn to focus on your partner, on the topic of conversation. Communication gives a real drive, although we are not always aware of this. It is important to shake the familiar pattern. Defense has become second nature, you stop noticing its automatisms. Openness is not as dangerous as it was in childhood. One day the desire for warmth will become stronger than all fears.

A few more quotes. They will help build relationships. Just follow these guidelines.

"If you want to learn how to love better, you have to start with the friend you hate."

(Nikka, 6 years old)

"Love is flowers in the soul."

(Vanya, 7 years old)

"When you love someone, your eyelashes go up and down all the time, up and down, and stars are falling from under them."

Lisa, 7 years old