To Make Grandma Proud

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I don't like to write. Time is taken away from my current affairs)) although there is something to share, in my psychological practice there are many stories. Here is one of them, which has not gone out of my head for a long time.

For me, the first minutes of meeting with clients are diagnostic. Of course, in the course of the subsequent acquaintance, some of my assumptions may be refuted, but basically the method of observation did not let me down.

It is especially interesting when parents come with children. I watch how the parents hold on, take off their child or he himself, take off his outer clothing or he undresses himself. How does a child manage if he does it on his own. How does he put shoes on, does he ask parents for help? Does his mom spit? Is he hurrying or waiting patiently? Does he make any comments? Does the child cover his mouth? How does the child behave: does he immediately start to run around the office or calmly walks around, begins to grind all the toys or asks for permission, crawls, sways, jumps on the sofa, or sits down quietly? Briefly speaking. Psychologists will understand)))

So that's it. Mom and her eight-year-old daughter come to see me. Boots and jackets are the same and colors are the same (sizes are different)))). The daughter is standing, her mother undresses and removes her shoes. Neatly, unhurriedly, he hangs up everything and puts his shoes on. The beauty! Synchronicity! Caringly corrects the girl's hair. Wow! They have the same color socks - pink!

Oh-oh-oh, I think, "we ate", "we pooped" will begin now.

They go into the office. They sit down. Mother of the edge of the house - daughter of the edge of the house (grieving about something). The girl is so pretty, fair, the curls are combed, the tights are striped, the blouse is buttoned under the top button. There is no such childish glitter in the eyes, or something. Or how to say? Well, there is no spark. I immediately have a desire - take off the girl's socks, unbutton her jacket, ruffle her hair, release curls, squeeze out her knees on tights. Tyzhpsychologist so it is impossible, you can disrupt the consultation))) and people came for help. Yes. I'm listening.

- We were in the hospital … - Mom begins.

Oops! How unexpected! "We were lying!" Did one spider bite you at the same time? Or did you get poisoned with sausage at the same time? Or chickenpox at once picked up?

And I ask out loud:

- Who? - "we".

- Well, here (let's call the girl Olya) Olya was lying.

- Yes. Where?

- In the regional neurological department.

- Did something happen to you? - I'm checking if the girl suffered an injury. As a last resort, the hamster may have died.

- No. Nothing like that happened. It's just that Olya didn't become so brave. Crying for any reason. Afraid of everything.

What is the nature of the fears, I'm interested. It turned out that she was simply afraid to do something, to say …, she was crying. Constant anxiety. At this time, the girl does not move, the inner ends of the eyebrows are still pulled up.

- The doctor said that we have no psychiatric problems, that we need to see a psychologist.

Hallelujah! There are doctors! After a month and a half of treatment with medications (it's scary to imagine such drugs), I finally admit that the problem is of a psychological nature. And apparently, it is true, "at YOU." Both.

In the place where parents talk about the "children's neurological department" (and this is not an isolated case in my work), my mind carries me out of the therapist's chair. I would describe in paints what is happening to me at that moment, but I'm afraid it will not be useful to clients, it is not only psychologists who read it))).

Going to…

- Yes. Here you are with a psychologist. What would you like from our meeting? How can I be useful to you? - I ask my mother (let's call her Lena), I ask this specifically in order to focus on personal, client feelings.

The predictable request follows, "do something with her to make her bold and confident." What is there to waste time on trifles !? Now I will get the magic wand, wave it intricately and the girl will turn into a confident, self-sufficient child.

Well … What does the child want?

- Tell about yourself. - I look at the girl. The chin trembled, tears came running, eyes blink. I feel doomedly the uselessness of the question "What's the matter with you now?" I continue:

- Are you scared now?

- No.

- Are you afraid of something?

- No.

- Maybe you don't like something?

- Things are good.

- What do you like now?

Is silent. She stirred, sat down in a comfortable position.

- Can I ask you something? If you don't feel like answering, you don't have to. Good?

- Good.

Then the standard questions: in what class do you study, with whom you live, what you love (there is a difficulty). Well, in general, he lives with his mother, grandparents together, in a two-room apartment. Goes to the third grade, studies well, or rather excellent.

- What? So in three years there was not a single deuce?

- There was - well, I think not all is lost - ONE. - early I was glad.

- For what?

- By nature, I was unable to complete the assignment. - begins to cry.

- Are you crying now about what? - I do not lose hope.

“I don’t know, I’m just crying.”

- Are you being scolded for deuces?

- No. - how lovely. What then? What kind of introject is being imposed?

- Why are you good at studying?

- To go to fourth grade.

- Surely there are students in your class who study at 6 and 7, haven't they passed to the third grade?

- To be smart.

- Why do you need to be smart?

- To find a good job.

- Who do you want to be?

Silence. Ignore.

- To finish school.

I am pretending:

- I do not get it. As far as I know, everyone finishes school - both those who study well, and those who are not very good, even those who do poorly at all.

- To finish school with a gold medal.

A-ah-ah! That's where the "dog rummaged"!

- With a gold medal? - I'm surprised, - What would that?

Silence. Pause.

- What do you need a gold medal for?

- Then grandmother will be proud of me.

Just think, she said: "Grandma will be proud." It's just like a quote from a family psychology textbook. Tin!

Then we talk with mom, Olya went to paint in another room. Nothing predictable. The story is as follows. Lena broke up with her husband when the girl was not even a year old, because she "turned out to be a goat." The child is small, there was no place to live, she returned to her parents. Parents (mostly grandmother) helped and helps in everything. Lena is grateful to her and "owes", "how are we without her." When asked how she studied at school, she answers - okay. "Medalist?" - "No". She works somewhere in a budgetary organization, and so does my grandmother. Average salary. Mom (grandmother) loves Olya very much, takes care of her, takes her to school, teaches her homework with her.

-And besides school, does Olya attend any clubs?

- No.

- Why?

- And so tired. He comes home from school and teaches lessons. Once. She's so obedient. Such a good child. Everything does what they say. Only if it doesn't work out, he cries.

- And you, - I ask, - do you meet with your friends? There, disco, beer, relax.

- That, not. I have a child.

I feel that somatic disorders are being caused in me, on the kshtalt of a twitching eye.

- How do you relax? Spending your free time? Do you meet men?

- Oh, with men - no. Enough. And so, we go to the sea in the summer with our daughter.

- And what Olya herself can do? Well, there, to make breakfast, for example? Or generally around the house.

- What for? There is me, grandmother. Well, it actually helps, but it's not often. Why would she? We have two grown women.

This young woman spoke as if everything was as it should be. The appeal to critical thinking was futile. Her words, posture, emotions (she did not express them, by and large) were dull and monotonous. I carefully monitored at least the change in tone in order to grab onto something. No. She perceives the whole situation as natural.

And about the child, I realized that Olya is not something that no one bothers, they just do not trust her. They don't trust anything, they don't trust their own life. They do not give it away. This is not total control. This is an ingenious, sophisticated control. A child, real, with his own feelings, desires, needs - no. Nobody asks about them. Adults themselves know how best. What, in their opinion, the child should be. Ghost child. It's comfortable. It is convenient for everyone. Grandmother - to realize the unrealized, her own (I don't know what, to study there, to find a good job, I suppose I'm tired of sitting in the office until retirement). Great grandfather - no one can stand the brain - everything is correct. It is convenient for mom - the child is not problematic - obedient, it is not shameful in front of his mother that he did not take place, like a woman, mother, wife, there … I don’t want to fantasize. But the granddaughter is great. This is the kind of child I gave birth to you! Doesn't upset anyone. Not ashamed. And obedient, besides.

But they can stop loving if it turns out to be "bad". So the girl is trying, trying with all her exhausted strength. Please. To tie up the family, so God forbid not to upset the grandmother. Where will they live, what will they live on? What will happen if mom is kicked out, suddenly.

They both try. Lena resigned herself, and Olya is still resisting. Such a human need is to separate. An, no. “Come here, you should not be independent, you cannot make decisions, I know better…”. "You shouldn't be bad, if you are disobedient, we will not accept you, we will not love you."

It turns out: you have no right to be yourself, to be accepted and loved, you need to give up yourself….

Olya “on sedatives”…. People! An EIGHT-YEAR-OLD child uses (the same thing), - lives on sedatives! What's this? Ale! Parents! Ale! "Kokhana for my children!"

In the name of what? In the name of pleasing someone's stupidity ?!

Now there will be lines about what, in fact, prompted me to write this story.

I had a conversation with Lena. About separation, about boundaries, about an invented image of a child, about psychosomatics. And offered therapy to her. Because she considered it pointless to work with a child, without the support of a parent. Well, Olya will not be able to be brave, confident (what, there, they still wanted her to become) in such a family environment. With such convictions. Even together with a psychologist he will not be able to. She will not break through this reinforced concrete sarcophagus. Support is needed. And Lena might have a chance.

I even offered them the option to come together for family therapy.

In general, they never came again. How it happened, I do not know … Sadness.

I'm still worried, as you can see.