2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Julia Rubleva
As many of you know, I have been leading the Mom and My Relationship group for the third year. During this time, I listened to many stories, each group has been studying for four to six months, now the seventh composition of this group is being recruited, and some observations can be made.
The group has been working with the so-called "mother's spells" from the very beginning. These are verbalized (spoken) or non-verbal, silent messages, conscious or unconscious, which we perceive as a guide to action. They can be of a wide variety of types - depressing, knocking down, motivating, offending, inspiring, frightening, funny, etc. It is clear that in a group that deals with problems in relations with a mother, such messages will always be destructive. We will now begin to consider them.
And I'll start with perhaps one of the most terrible, destructive and painful "spells", which, at first glance, seems smart, supportive and motivating.
We should only be proud of you
If you -
- clever and excellent student / excellent student;
- you are doing well with your career: a good position and a high salary;
- you are fine with your family: in any case, it is available and you are not going to get divorced;
- you are extremely competent in everything;
- you are beautiful and well-groomed, or not, but your loved ones are beautiful and well-groomed by your efforts;
- at your job, you work with the most difficult tasks, the most capricious clients, the most difficult projects and you do it perfectly;
- you never get tired, and go to bed only when you are very sick, and you are ashamed to be sick;
- you almost all the time feel shame, guilt and responsibility before everyone and for everything, do not distinguish between these states, are not able to take care of yourself or give yourself pleasure without guilt in front of others or loved ones;
- hard, burning out of shame, endure your own mistakes; take criticism hard and experience it for a long time;
- do not remember yourself as little; you always seem to be a very adult person;
- badly and rarely say "no" and do not really distinguish when it is unpleasant for you, endure for a long time and do not immediately leave;
- when talking with your parents, you boast about your successes, and they praise you, scold you or evaluate you in some other way;
- you rarely tell your loved ones, especially your parents, about failures, problems, illnesses, defeats, pain, and so on, as if this practically does not happen in your life;
- do not ask for help, do without the support of other people;
- never look funny or ridiculous, avoid stupid or playful situations, hesitate to fool around and do not tolerate it when they make fun of you.
If you have all this, or there are some of the stable states from the list, and at the same time (a prerequisite!) You feel successful and in order, but do not feel happy, then with a high degree of probability your parents broadcast this spell to you: "We should only be proud of you."
Why did your parents broadcast exactly this to you, the question is now the twenty-fifth (he is sure to understand in the group about mom).
What is happening in your life and what is not happening, and what is the threat of such a spell?
Usually, in the life of a person who has received such a message, life itself does not occur. Risks, aimless pastime, adventures, adventures, rash actions are avoided - and from here we cannot afford spontaneity, immediacy, restlessness, frivolity, rest, we are constrained, wooden, our back, head, shoulders, neck and stomach ache.
The child who received it translates such a message as "we will not love you if you -
- you get sick and stop being functional, - you will not regularly give us reason to be proud in front of friends and neighbors;
- do not try to get a divorce - your marriage should only be happy;
- you will be fired. You cannot be fired because such conscientious people are not fired;
- fail of any kind, from accident to robbery
Such a message also drags a tail of threats and obligations
- we should only be proud of you, so we will not support you - support the weak; don't seek support;
- you are responsible not only for yourself, but also for us / for everyone (another "mom's spell")
- do not come to us with failures, we do not want to know anything about it. In the event that you dare to complain or simply say “we divorced”, you are either pointed out to some “fair circumstances” from which it appears that you are to blame, or a strange failure occurs in communication and it is as if they do not hear you, the parents become distracted, switch to another topic, do not give not only support, but any kind of feedback whatsoever.
I call the spell "we should only be proud of you" one of the most terrible and destructive because every time a living life happens to the victim of this spell, she becomes ashamed. Living life consists of different things, not just good things, sometimes it smells bad, betrays, rejects and deceives, illnesses, disasters, bad days and even years happen, and the addressees of this spell do not even think to feel sorry for themselves: they want to fall through the earth that they have a pimple on their nose, divorce and fall into various puddles, just like a simple mortal Lucy Pupkina (she has her own spell, most often "you are worthless"). Such parents ask somewhat learnedly and indifferently, or, on the contrary, with hidden expectation, and we are silent and do not tell the truth even to ourselves.
Rebellion against such a spell usually occurs in the form of an incredible explosion of indignation, indignation, pain, bitterness and resentment, when we shout into the telephone receiver or in the face of our parents - "and you don't care how I'm doing !?" at the moment when we realize that for many months we have not talked about our dismissal, divorce, fears and troubles.
Parents are usually interested in how we are really doing. But the fact is that such a spell is most often combined with "you are responsible for us too, since you are doing so well", or "there are no losers in our family." and in the first case, the parents do not know how to help you, so strong and successful from infancy, and they will need to be taught.
And in the second, they themselves usually experience such burning shame ("we are not good enough parents, since you feel bad") that it becomes clear that they themselves have never had such support and do not know how to give it to you.
Next week I will write about the spells "you alone are responsible for everything - you must rely only on yourself" and "you are no good."
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