Racket And Authentic Feelings

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The story about Julia

Once upon a time there was a girl named Julia who cried all the time. She cried when her husband confessed his love to her and gave gifts, cried when her boss criticized her at work, cried when colleagues complimented her for her beautiful dress and hairstyle, cried when it rained and when the sun was shining, cried when she was at a fun company of friends and when I was alone. She cried when she was sad and sad, cried when she was happy and happy, cried when she loved and hated, cried when she was delighted and disgusted, cried when she was angry and even when she was afraid … Cried for no reason …

Yulia's husband, a kind and attentive man, was angry all the time, angry from not understanding why his Yulia was crying. He gave her gifts, favorite flowers, invited her to the movies and gourmet restaurants, cared and loved her, and she cried all the time …

And then one day Yulia felt so sad and bad, she could no longer tolerate it and a variety of thoughts began to visit her:

- "I am unworthy of my husband and his love … because I cry all the time"

- "I do not know how to laugh and enjoy life, because I am sad all the time"

- "my friends think I'm weird because I cry all the time"

- "I do not want to give birth to a child, because I can only teach him to cry"

And now our Julia, when these torments became completely heartbreaking, decided to figure out what was happening to her and went to a psychotherapist. And the psychotherapist told her that there are such feelings - racketeering.

Julia was very surprised and wanted to know as much as possible about such feelings.

It turned out that racketeering feelings are substitutes for feelings, they replace real, authentic feelings, emotions or needs.

Feelings of racketeering are taken from or encouraged by the parenting model, while other feelings were discouraged or prohibited. These emotions are not able to find a way out of a particular situation.

Authentic feelings are real feelings, there are only four of them: anger, sadness, fear, joy.

Racket feelings are endless, for example, embarrassment, jealousy, guilt, resentment, feelings of confusion, frustration, helplessness, despair, misunderstanding, etc.

Julia remembered that her grandmother always cried too. She cried when she was preparing food, cried when Julia laughed fervently, cried when Julia first went, cried when Julia began to speak the first words …

Once, when Yulia was 5 years old, her grandmother died … and on that day, Yulia decided that she could not let her go so easily, so she would always cry, so grandmother would always be there.

And in the process of working with a psychotherapist, Julia returned to her childhood over and over again: there she remembered that in childhood, when she asked her mother for a gift, and her mother said “we won't buy it now,” Julia burst into tears - and her mother bought her a gift.

Then she remembered: once she asked Dad to play with her, and Dad just came home and was tired after a working day, he told her that he wanted to lie down. Julia burst into tears, and Daddy went to play with her.

And then Julia realized that her affection for her grandmother can also be used for the purpose of obtaining benefits.

Julia remembered a lot of such stories: about a new doll, about permission to go to her friend's birthday, about choosing a profession, about a wedding date … and all this she received only after crying …

And while working on herself, Julia gradually learned to feel and understand her real feelings:

- laugh when joyful;

- get angry when they violate its boundaries;

- to be sad when something sad happens;

- to be afraid when scared.

Then she stopped playing psychological games, and if the game was inevitable, then Julia played consciously.

Julia learned that she had many prohibitions: “don't live”, “don't be yourself”, “don't feel”, “don't be an adult”, “don't think”.

She, of course, had to put in a lot of effort to reassemble herself, to strengthen her adult and learn to understand herself.

But the reward was wonderful - our Julia became a happy, confident, adult and successful woman. Relations with her husband improved significantly, there was a career growth at work, Yulia had friends and many of her interests, which filled her life with a new deep meaning and desire to live!