2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The inability to build life "for oneself", to realize one's desires, to act, first of all, in one's own interests, blocking the ability to rejoice and enjoy life is a clear marker of problems with self-esteem. In my practical work, I regularly come across people who are used to living for someone or something, but do not know how to learn to live for themselves.
As a rule, this problem is especially acute for those who were the eldest children in the family and from childhood were obliged and accustomed to look after and take care of the younger ones. The formed pattern of behavior (and thinking) then smoothly moves into adulthood. And the “older brother” (sister) automatically starts looking for what or who to take responsibility for. That is especially strongly felt at the level of the shoulder girdle: the more the shoulders hurt, the more responsibility is heaped up.
And with this level of load, there is no time or energy left to think about yourself, beloved.
Get rid of parenting programs
The origins of the inability to live for oneself naturally lie in childhood. In those days, when a child, who did not yet have critical perception, perceived the verbal and non-verbal messages of his parents as the ultimate truth. If they say "you must" - then "I must." If they say "you are obliged, then I am obliged." If they make it clear "we will love you only if you behave well," then it means "I will behave well (as they need) so that they love me." The power of these fixed attitudes, resting on the deep layers of the unconscious, is incredible. They control a person's life 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
In the future, a spouse, bosses, officials, all sorts of authorities (gurus, writers, public and not so figures, etc.) come to the place of the parents and the person, without seeing and not understanding it, begins to act in other people's goals and interests. Best case scenario. At worst, following inadequate and ideologized prescriptions, he simply buries his life. And all because he is controlled by attitudes that he is not aware of.
There is only one way to get rid of parental programs (attitudes) - to become aware of them. In this case, they lose their directive power and become ordinary thoughts. Thoughts to think about. You can laugh. And you can forget about them in a minute and never think about them. But in order to realize the attitude, one must first see, perceive, understand and grasp the essence of its manifestation. The best way to do this is through special processing.
Realize your worth
But, having dealt with parental attitudes, there is always a risk of starting to follow them again, but in a different form and in a different capacity. This again happens compulsively, unconsciously, according to the principle “a holy place is never empty”. To prevent this from happening, you need to formulate for yourself a new, positive paradigm (program, idea, model) of life.
You need to start with an awareness of your own value, the heart of which is self-respect. And respecting yourself is, first of all, not humiliating yourself and not allowing others to humiliate yourself. A person humiliates himself and allows himself to be humiliated primarily because, unconsciously, reactively, he refuses to accept himself as he really is. With all its flaws. But also with all its virtues. And he non-verbally communicates this refusal to those around him. The strong feel sorry for this. The weak and the mediocre have contempt and aggression.
Accepting and loving yourself is a whole art that everyone has to master on their own. But the basic recommendations are universal - start taking care of yourself. Watch your body, your appearance, your room / apartment, your thoughts, your promises, your actions, choices, decisions. Once you start taking care of yourself, you start taking care of yourself. As you take care of yourself, you gradually realize your value. Start treating yourself as someone you respect very much.
It will be difficult to take care of yourself in the beginning. All kinds of thoughts and emotions will be distracting and confusing. Habitual reactions will start to lead away from the chosen path. But if you start to understand the reasons for this, it will become much easier. Appropriate techniques for working with the unconscious will help a lot in this.
5 basic recommendations
The thoughts, choices, decisions and behavior of a person who is used to living for others are not governed by certain attitudes in the unconscious. And without their awareness and elimination, it will not be possible to change the usual model of relationship with the surrounding reality. It is difficult to find and remove them on their own because a person does not know how to take an external point of view in relation to himself and technically correctly “disperse” these attitudes. But this can be learned through spiritual coaching.
Regardless of whether you decide to deal with your unconscious attitudes or leave this matter for later, in the hope that somehow everything will resolve itself, I want to give you a number of recommendations that will allow, if not completely change, then at least correct that a pattern of behavior that prevents you from fully enjoying life for yourself.
First. Start building your own desires into a cult. Do you want to go on vacation, but put it off because you have taken on a bunch of unilateral obligations? Honestly freeze their implementation and buy yourself a ticket to where you want to go. Treat yourself. Do you think this is too cool? Then start with the little things - where you used to deny yourself, start allowing yourself, especially if it seems like pampering to you. Buy ice cream, for example
Second. Realize your interests and start defending them. Your boss forces you to overwork, but forgets to pay for overwork? Express your dissatisfaction, find those who will support you and refuse to "dance to someone else's tune", politely but firmly demand what you are supposed to. Demand until you receive it. No matter how difficult it was for you. If you get it the first time, it will be easier later.
Third. Slowly "detach" from the opinions of others. To do this, first stop judging and evaluating others. Because only in this way will you give the unconscious of those around you the opportunity to free itself from the need to judge and evaluate you. “Do not judge and you will not be judged” was said long ago, but this phrase has not lost its relevance. You won't be able to do it right away, right away, with a "dashing cavalry attack", so tune in for a long, regular practice.
Fourth. Plan your life based on your own goals and objectives. Every evening and every morning ask yourself the questions "what do I want now (in the near future)?" and "what do I want in the long run?" Next, determine the actions that are necessary to achieve the desired goals and objectives and, based on them, make plans for the next day, week, month. What will you do for yourself tomorrow, what the day after tomorrow, and so on. This is the priority! Everything else - if there is time.
Fifth. Begin to consciously track where you are unconsciously comparing yourself to the "good person" model. Like "here's a good person, he helps everyone for free," "a good person will not refuse someone else's request," and so on and so forth. The idea of “being (to others) a good person” is very charged, but with proper consideration you will eventually realize that it is just a mechanism of social control and it is actually not so convenient to follow it in life.
Summing up, I will say that the most important thing is to start, first of all, to think about yourself (at least think), your desires and your interests, and only secondarily about those around you. Even if they are close people. This is the surest way to learn to live for yourself.
How to get out of the "dense forest" of illusions
A boring, gray, ordinary and monotonous life is the lot of people who do not love themselves and do not know how to live for themselves. They lie to themselves, claiming that they make their loved ones happier. But in fact, their loved ones do not become happier from their “forced” (conditioned not by a conscious choice, but by unconscious attitudes). If you want your loved ones to be happy, start with yourself.
If you feel that you do not want to live such a life that you want to control your own destiny and stop "running in a squirrel wheel", but still do not really understand how to get out of all this "dense forest", then come to a free consultation and get professional advice and a ready-made program to change your life for the better.
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