2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Narcissistic parents strive to take away from the child the most important thing - the right to be himself. It’s not for nothing that most people with one or both parents with a narcissistic disorder often feel as if they didn’t exist. The narcissist considers the child to be an extension of himself in the literal sense of the word, his full and undivided property. A child for him is an endless source of all kinds of resources. That is why he is trying with all his might to keep this source nearby as long as possible.
A narcissistic parent may care about their child's physical well-being, but never care about their child's emotional well-being. A child can be scolded and punished not only for the manifestation of emotions, but even for illness and ailment, because everything that somehow violates the comfort and tranquility of the parent is under the strictest prohibition. The child should be as comfortable as possible and at the same time meet all the high standards of a narcissist parent. The attitude towards the child is determined by how much he corresponds to them. Everything that matters to the child himself is ignored and devalued.
It is constantly broadcast to children that they must work hard to earn every grain of parental love; if they do not meet the requirements, they will be abandoned, abandoned, handed over to an orphanage; that they are less valuable than others: they are constantly compared, severely devalued in this comparison. It is these attitudes that children of narcissistic parents carry over to subsequent relationships in their lives.
In narcissistic families there are no healthy boundaries: narcissists either merge with the child, controlling his every step, or they are completely indifferent and distanced, which is often caused by pathological envy of him. The paradox is that narcissistic parents want to see their child very socially successful, because through him they realize their dreams, but if the child achieves success, even in a significant area for the parents, they may begin to devalue these achievements and strive to destroy, unable to withstand their own envy. If the child dares to take a completely different path, there will be no limit to the rage and contempt of the narcissist.
Often, narcissists alternate emotional blackmail (when they want to get another portion of the resource) with devaluation and ignoring (when they want to punish the child for breaking the rules). This, of course, has a very strong effect on the psychological state of the child: he never feels calm and protected, he is always forced to listen carefully in order to guess the mood of the parent and say or do what is expected of him.
Narcissistic parents never admit their guilt or ask for forgiveness. They - bearers of absolute truth - are infallible and ideal, while constantly reproaching the child for mistakes and shortcomings. Also, the child is deprived of the right to complain or ask for support, while narcissistic parents constantly talk about themselves and their problems, demanding participation, help and empathy from the child.
Narcissistic parents are unable to nourish their children with love because their love is objective. If the child is not the best according to the narcissist's personal scale, and he cannot receive admiration for himself from others through the child, he will begin to emotionally destroy the child.
Narcissistic parents often criticize and ridicule their children's appearance, developing a complete rejection of themselves. Moreover, often the child has a much more attractive appearance than the parent, however, experiencing strong envy, the parent seeks to instill in the child an inferiority complex, and sometimes even pushes for changes that will make him less attractive. With this, the narcissist can pursue another benefit - not to allow the child to build a personal life later, in order to leave him nearby as a constant source of resources.
Often a narcissistic mother with all her might keeps her grown-up son or daughter near her, in every possible way inspiring them that they are weak and defenseless, and the world is very dangerous. And here a double message often sounds, consisting of mutually exclusive attitudes: "you need to be strong and independent" (that is, convenient for a parent) and "you cannot cope without me."
The narcissistic parent often seeks to destroy the friendships and loving relationships of their child. At the same time, he can declare that he wishes the child good friends, more likely to meet his love, gradually broadcasting: "you are not worthy of a relationship."
Adult children of narcissistic parents most often choose partners-narcissists, because the unconscious part of our psyche is arranged in such a way that we involuntarily strive to relive childhood psychological traumas with other people who are similar to their parents, in fact, in the hope of getting from these people what which was so lacking from the parents. But such a relationship is unlikely to be happy, because the narcissist cannot provide much-needed unconditional love and acceptance.
Narcissistic children have pathologically low self-esteem; very sensitive to other people's opinions; they have chronic guilt and a lot of shame; they rarely know how to hear themselves, their emotions, their desires; prone to anxiety and depressive disorders; in a relationship, they often endure emotional or physical abuse for a long time, fearing to be abandoned; prone to codependency. They are also often perfectionists and devalue themselves and their achievements because their Inner Parent speaks in the voice of a real narcissistic parent.
We cannot change real parents. It is useless to hope and wait for the narcissistic parent to realize the consequences of their actions and words. It is important that life never passes in an attempt to finally receive unconditional acceptance from someone who, by nature, is incapable of giving it. It is important to stop and start the path to yourself. It's never too late to do this. Childhood psychological trauma can be healed completely or almost completely, although this requires some effort on the part of the person himself and a highly qualified specialist.
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