MOMMIES. CHILD BEAT

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

About three years ago, a Florida state court in the United States sentenced 33-year-old Miami resident Derek Medina, who was found guilty of murdering his wife. The convict is a writer and was considered an expert in the field of marital relations. Derek was detained after he posted a photo of his wife's corpse on social networks. In the posthumous photograph of Alfonso, which her husband Derek Medina managed to post on his Facebook page before his arrest, a woman is kneeling with her head buried in the corner of the kitchen. The blood is visible on the victim's hand, her cheek, and also on the wall. According to the findings of the forensic scientist, the expert in the field of family relations fired eight bullets at his wife. On the eve of the murder, Jennifer Alfonso posted on her Facebook page a family photo in which she kisses Derek. And Medina himself, a few hours before the murder, posted photos of his family idyll on the Web. The pictures show Medina and his family dining outdoors at a cafe by the marina. In court, Medina said to the last that the murder was committed in self-defense. He said that Jennifer regularly beat him, and on her last day she took up a knife, after which he was forced to open fire with a pistol. Derek Medina wrote the book "How I Kept My Life, Marriage and Family Spare Through Communication". "This book is a great work that will teach you to value life, find meaning in it and love your loved ones," says the preface.

"Mommy" is such a popular word these days. Twenty years ago, it belonged to the world of childhood and was a vocabulary from a children's dictionary. Today this word is used by absolutely everyone - psychologists, obstetricians-gynecologists, politicians and officials.

Where did the word "mother" go from our dictionary? Or just mums? What is behind this popular and worn-out cliché, worn out like a proverb? Whom do people turn into, using a word that belongs to a child's condition, a child's entreaty, childish despair, childish tenderness, childish helplessness? Another symptom of an infantile society? Maybe. However, for a child, “mommy” is a deity, the universe, space, EVERYTHING. What is true in the mouth of an infant, in the mouth of an adult turns into vulgarity, into a sentimental thing.

The mother archetype is one of the most powerful archetypes, awe-inspiring and admirable. Demeter, who was worshiped by the ancient Greeks, was portrayed as a venerable, imposing woman seated on a throne. Goddess Kali in Hinduism is understood as the Power and Desire (Shakti) of God. Thanks to her, all evil is destroyed. She is the mother goddess, the source of fertility and life. But at the same time, she is the dark side of Prakriti (nature). In her power - creation and destruction. Half of her hands are givers and half are killing ones. This is what is overlooked: the complexity, the duality, the ambivalence of the woman. Can you imagine that "mommy" has even a drop of this archetypal power.

"Mom" try to be so sweet that they beat off every taste, they are like saccharin, this is how artificial diabetes develops. "Mom", like artificial sugar substitutes, is able to stimulate the receptors of sweet taste on the tongue, but at the same time it practically does not carry the nutritious calories that she and her child need so much. Everything I say is not idle speculation or a figment of my imagination. All that has been said is the result not only of observing the realities of modern life in general, but of everyday practical work.

In psychology, the concept of the Shadow is widely known, which describes all that mental content that is hidden from the rays of awareness. Sometimes "mothers" are caught off guard by the sudden discovery of something unknown in themselves in relation to their child. Others experience daily torment due to the fact that they cannot match the sweet image of "mommy", dressed in pastel pink tones. Here I will not consider cases of serious deviations in the maternal sphere, since such cases require deep and long-term therapeutic work, and today there is hardly anyone who could give recommendations in absentia that would alleviate the fate of such a woman and her child. At the same time, in practice, quite often one has to face such type of questions as: “What should I do, before the birth of a child I thought that I would never become like my mother, but now I behave the same way. I break off and shout at the child, I can hit, etc. It seems to me that I give little love to the child. " Often, when a woman tries not to do what her mother did to her, there is some exaggeration of her efforts. You can't overdo yourself. It is impossible to give what is not, which is not enough yet. Perhaps the best part of you is hidden, it happens for various reasons, but it happens. Sometimes being gentle with a child means finding that tender part of the soul that at one time was scared, wounded, not understood and hid from everyone in fear of receiving a new portion of pain. It is impossible to give more than there is at a certain moment. One should do the maximum possible, but if there is nothing more to give, there is no need to despair, the mother's despair is always very harmful to the child. If you want to apply the old methods (shouting, punishing, hitting), you should realize: “What am I doing?”, Stop and relax. It is important to understand that women who believe that their mother was wrong in raising them have an ideal of a mother, which they strive to live up to. But any idealism can only do harm. It is important to be realistic and not invent anything. You should not live by the concepts and smoke incense with them. It is important to be yourself, extremes are a cliff, a danger, something that leads to the abyss. It is worth understanding that the relationship between mother and child cannot be perfect, this is impossible. There will always be some problems. One problem will go away - others will appear, and so on. Less need to listen to experts, no one can be an expert in your life - not a mother, not a psychologist, not a holy father. From time to time, the mother's anger is not only not harmful to the child, but also beneficial. The child has the right to know that his mother is also human and she may become angry too. If the mother is never angry, the child feels that he, as it were, cannot be angry either, how can you be angry with such a sweet mother.

Some mothers who have fallen under the influence of the "mommy" myth are worried about yelling at their children. But sometimes you want to scream, the children understand this perfectly, because they themselves scream. One thing should be understood - screams should be balanced with love. If everything inside is screaming, and the mother is holding back the scream, how is this situation better? The child cannot understand what is happening, this uncertainty confuses and causes anxiety.

If a mother screams too loudly at her child, then she should love just as loudly. Love is always greater than screaming and momentary irritation or anger. Another question, and really trouble, if the mother only screams, and never hugs, does not play, does not love. In general, there is no problem in screaming. The problem with yelling at a child appears when there is no love. A child who has done something bad is ready to be yelled at.

Most psychologists in their recommendations are categorically against the use of physical force in relation to a child. Children, of course, cannot be beaten. But, despite all the efforts of psychologists to squeeze instructions into mothers that the child should not be beaten, mothers enlightened by the recommendations of psychologists can still beat their children.

First, the question is what does it mean to hit. Someone can reproach me for this train of my thoughts and convict me of allegedly giving permission for physical aggression. But I don’t give anyone anything: no permission, no instructions. I say again that no one is an expert on someone's life. But I do not turn away from what exists, what was, is, and probably will be. And I also attempt to debunk the non-viability of rigid recommendations, which, other than developing feelings of guilt, and in some cases providing an "alibi" for a good mother, are not suitable for anything. The course of my thoughts is as follows: it is unlawful to equate a slap with a prolonged beating, for example, with a belt, as well as equate a cold slap in the face with a hot blow on a soft spot. It is important to realize that the problem is not spanking the child, but why it happened. If the mother loves the child, then her anger is easier for the child to accept, easier to endure. Very often, the child becomes a "scapegoat" when the mother is unable to vent her anger on the one who really awakened him. Often women feel vulnerable to their mothers, mothers-in-law or husbands. In psychology, this behavior is called substitution, when a person manifests a feeling for one person or object that he actually feels for another person or object. Indeed, being angry with their bosses, husbands, mothers, women resort to the defensive mechanism of "displacement of the object." So anger accumulates and accumulates, and at one point a child becomes its defenseless victim. In such cases, it is important to realize: the child simply fell under the arm, or, even worse, only the child always comes under the arm, since he cannot fight back, as a husband, mother-in-law or father could do. The woman's focus should then be shifted to her relationship with the anger.

In some cases, you need to establish a rule for yourself: when anger arises, and the child is right there again, you need to go to another room and do with the pillow what you intended to do with the child - throw it, drag it by the ear, hit it in the face. Better to let the pillow become the target of anger than a living and innocent child. The child is not to blame that his mother is too dependent on her mother and plays with her the role of a good girl, or is used to pleasing her husband too much, enduring all undeserved grievances with the humility of a serf.

In some cases, the child is beaten just for the fact of his existence. They do not like him, because he did not live up to the expectations of his mother: to bind his father to himself more tightly with his help, or because he appeared too early and did not allow his career ambitious plans to be carried out, or simply because he is not what was expected (not boy / girl, not a pretty little toddler, not a little genius). In such cases, the child is really unhappy, and the mother should take care of herself, take care of her inner world, try to find the best formula for interacting with the child. The "Formula" cannot replace the natural feeling of motherly love, but it can help to avoid many disasters and, perhaps, be the starting point for the awakening of true motherhood.

Again and again I will not tire of repeating - the problem is not that the mother can grab the child by the ear for offense, throw him on the bed or hit, the real problem is the lack of love. You can never beat a child, but at the same time not love. The true antagonists of love are indifference and apathy, not anger. Children whose mothers were depressed suffer no less than children whose mothers suffer, for example, from alcoholism, and sometimes more. Nothing hits so hard, so indifference. Therefore, I say that the hand of the striker must be loving. It is unacceptable to hit a child with a cold, unloving hand. This is the hand that inflicts real trauma. The anger caused by the child's disobedience, running out onto the road after repeated warnings from the mother, forces her to hit the child. At this moment, her hand is warm, and her heart is hot, her love manifests itself in anger, since these are two sides of the same coin. The child lets out a cry, after which the mother takes him in her arms and comfortingly hugs him. Everyone does his own thing - the child does not obey, takes risks, the mother loves and protects. The time will come when he, risking, will leave his father's house and mother's paradise. Everyone does their job. This must be understood. The drama is present from the very birth - this is what popular prints do not take into account.

Indeed, it is cruel to beat a child out of revenge. Sometimes it happens that the child has done something bad, but the mother has suppressed her anger. However, the moment was warm. The angry eyes shine, they are full of life. In anger, everything boils, boils, sparks pour in, but the mother suppressed her anger. Many hours or even days pass, the child has already forgotten everything, but the mother's cooled anger has turned into cold anger. Then the child may not do anything special, but the mother takes revenge. Such an experience is difficult for a child to digest.

There is nothing worse than a cold slap in the face. This really humiliates the dignity of the child and hurts, maybe forever, hurts his soul. It is similar to the heaviness in the stomach after eating cold food, it takes a long time to digest.

Happy is the child who can snuggle up to his mother in a gentle impulse and say: "Mommy"; happy is the child whose mother lives by her own mind, whose heart is filled with love and tenderness; happy is the child whose mother feels her own maternal strength. Happy is the child whose motherhood is courageous, to use Tsvetaev's words. And in its development it went beyond playing with dolls.

Be the experts in your life. And if something goes wrong, seek help and support. Sometimes it takes a long way to find someone who can truly understand and help. And don't look for answers to difficult questions in books like the ones Derek Medina wrote.