How To Beat A Sibling

Video: How To Beat A Sibling

Video: How To Beat A Sibling
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How To Beat A Sibling
How To Beat A Sibling
Anonim

The appearance of a sibling - a brother or sister, is always stressful for the child. Alfred Adler, a famous psychoanalyst, wrote that when the second appears, the first child feels like a "king deprived of a throne." The stress increases if this "throne" never existed. There was no feeling of one's own value, need, security, and then a competitor appears and takes the last crumbs of attention. In this case, the first child lives a real tragedy. And he is trying to somehow cope with his trauma. It is known that: "In the fight, all means are good." To defeat a competitor, you need to eliminate him or increase your own importance - to become more important to your parents. The illness of the first child with the appearance of the second is a frequent occurrence and unconsciously serves these purposes. But, childish infantile strategies don't work. How to act as an adult?

Practical example. The client's permission to publish has been obtained, the name has been changed.

Gele is twenty-four years old, lives with her parents and younger sister, feels a strong dependence on her mother, fear of separation from her. Geli has always had a tense relationship with her sister. The age difference between them is one year and seven months. Gelya says that she recently experienced burning jealousy when her sister returned from a business trip, went to the dacha with her parents.

“I felt small. There was a feeling that my sister was taking away my mother."

Immediately after the birth of her sister, Gela fell seriously ill with meningitis. She spent a long time in the hospital and "miraculously recovered." I asked Gela to draw a family at the time of my sister's birth.

In the arms of the mother, the child is a sister, the disembodied father is weightless. And the Gel itself is practically invisible. She is a small figure in the upper right corner. Other small figures in the same row with Gela are grandmother (mother's mother), aunt (mother's lonely sister) and grandmother's brother (disabled). At that time they all lived in the same apartment.

I suggested to Gela to add her disease - meningitis to the drawing.

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- My sister was born helpless, you need to become even more helpless. I have an insane fever, I am ready to endure it, just for my mother to pay attention to me. But, mom is distant, unattainable.

The fire seems to divide the parents. On one side there is a mother with a newborn child, on the other - father and Gela. After Gela fell ill, her mother went to the hospital with her, her father took an unpaid leave to take care of his youngest daughter. He carried the baby to the hospital several times a day to be fed by his wife. Then the parents decided that it was unreasonable to carry a newborn girl to the infectious diseases department, it was dangerous for her health. My grandmother went to the hospital with Gela, and my mother stayed at home with her youngest daughter.

Gela painted the feelings that gripped her. She felt the fear of being left behind the "family's board" with unhappy and sick relatives - the green line in the picture and the anger - orange arrows addressed to her sister.

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The unconscious role of the disease was to disable the girl, to make her even more in need of her mother's attention than her sister, to attract her mother to her. Did not work out. Meningitis did not help Gela to get closer to her mother.

The next picture showed the kind of family relationship that Gela would like to see.

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In the picture “ideal relationship with mom,” Gelya drew herself - already a big girl, sitting on her mother’s lap.

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“This is a sad picture. It seems that I am ready to cling to my mother until old age. I do not like this.

I assumed that Geli had enough of her mother's attention before her sister appeared and asked the girl to draw her relationship with her mother in that very early period of her life.

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- Who can give little Gela attention that her mother could not give?

It turned out that great-grandmother and great-grandfather on the maternal side can give attention. Their images appeared in the course of therapy at our previous meetings with Gela. In reality, the girl did not see these relatives. But, according to her feelings, these were people who could sincerely love the baby.

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What helps to overcome sibling jealousy? This is love and only love. If love was not enough in childhood, you can give it to yourself at any age. Instead of eternal expectation of love from parents, you can become an adult, find a source of receiving it. The role of loving adults can be played by ourselves, someone from a family member, a clan, or even a fictional character.

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